Helping Men & Women Resolve Same-sex Attraction
Workshop by Larry Richman at the Evergreen Conference, September 19, 2008
This workshop is for spouses, family, and friends who wish to understand how to support a man or woman who is trying to resolve their same-sex attractions. It will review the basic issues involved and discuss ways to provide support.
What Is Same-sex Attraction?
Same-sex attraction may include sexual feelings or attractions without sexual behavior or it may include complete emotional and sexual involvement. It cannot be identified simply by the presence or absence of outward sexual behavior.
Attractions
The needs involved are normal social and emotional needs that everyone has, but have become confused and sexualized toward the same gender. They should not be ignored (the conservative mistake) nor eroticized (the liberal mistake), but should be filled through legitimate, nonsexual means. Here, then, is the irony. Same-sex attraction itself has little to do with sex; the needs are not homosexual, but homoemotional.
Identity
Many people with same-sex attractions feel “different” from a very early age. The internal struggle about these feeling can cause confusion as the person desperately tries to understand the unnatural feelings and make sense of them in terms of his/her own internal values and religious beliefs.
A person’s identity is an accumulation of self-perceptions. They may come to believe they were born with same-sex which are part of their core identity. They may become convinced that if they are ever to be at peace with themselves, they must submit to these desires, even if it means rejecting (or at least ignoring) their religious beliefs and personal values. They may also accept the social identity of being “gay.”
Same-sex attraction has little to do with sexuality, but a lot to do with self-image (how people think about themselves) and self-worth (how they feel about themselves). Many people who struggle with same-sex attraction have good self-images—they have good jobs and get along well in life. But they have low feelings of self-worth—their gut-level feelings tell them they are not worth much. Individuals may have to spend some time evaluating and correcting issues about their self-image.
Feelings vs. Behavior
A 1991 letter by the First Presidency to all members of the Church states, “there is a distinction between [1] immoral thoughts and feelings and [2] participating in either immoral heterosexual or any homosexual behavior.” Individuals usually have no fault in the emergence of the feelings that trigger the homosexual attractions. Since they made no conscious choice for them, they should not feel guilty for having them.
However, they can choose how they respond to the attractions and should not deliberately feed the feelings by fantasizing and turning them into lustful thoughts. The First Presidency letter continued, “However, such thoughts and feelings, regardless of their causes, can and should be overcome. . . .” Elder Dallin H. Oaks clarified that “although immoral thoughts are less serious than immoral behavior, such thoughts also need to be resisted and repented of because we know that ‘our thoughts will also condemn us’ (Alma 12:14). Immoral thoughts (and the less serious feelings that lead to them) can bring about behavior that is sinful.”
Same-sex attraction is symptomatic of other problems
One of the reasons homosexual problems are difficult to address is that they are not the real problem. Focusing too much on homosexual problems can actually be misleading, since they are symptoms of deeper struggles, such as rejection, envy, abuse, self-perception, gender identity, distrust, or fear.
Help those who are trying to overcome
After speaking in a general conference on the subject of same-gender attraction, President Gordon B. Hinckley said, “Having said this, I desire now to say with emphasis that our concern for the bitter fruit of sin is coupled with Christlike sympathy for its victims, innocent or culpable. We advocate the example of the Lord, who condemned the sin, yet loved the sinner. We should reach out with kindness and comfort to the afflicted, ministering to their needs and assisting them with their problems.”
Elder Dallin H. Oaks said “Church leaders are sometimes asked whether there is any place in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints for persons with homosexual or lesbian susceptibilities or feelings. Of course there is. The degree of difficulty and the pattern necessary to forgo behavior and to control thoughts will be different with different individuals, but the message of hope and the hand of fellowship offered by the Church is the same for all who strive.” Elder Oaks further explained that “all should understand that persons (and their family members) struggling with the burden of same-sex attraction are in special need of the love and encouragement that is a clear responsibility of Church members, who have signified by covenant their willingness ‘to bear one another’s burdens’ (Mosiah 18:8) ‘and so fulfil the law of Christ’ (Gal. 6:2).”
Resolving Same-sex Attraction
In spite of attempts to live the gospel, many people find that their same-sex attractions simply don’t just go away. Common responses are to (1) try to suppress the feelings and live the gospel or (2) decide that the gospel does not fit in their life and they pursue homosexuality. The only way to resolve the problem is to identify the needs that cause the attractions and fill them in legitimate ways.
A transition out of same-sex attraction might include the following:
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reducing or eliminating homosexual desires.
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eliminating homosexual behavior.
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developing a secure sense of self and male/female identity.
Desires
As people begin to resolve their issues of same-sex attraction, they note that their sexual attractions toward their gender significantly decrease. They may reach the point where they are no longer sexually attracted to the same gender at all. Others may continue to be attracted as strongly as before, but they can learn to cope with the attractions without being overwhelmed by them.
Many people still experience some attractions from time to time, but they are able to deal with them with a minimum of anxiety and they do not dominate their lives or behavior. Over time, the feelings diminish both in number and intensity until it becomes easy to dismiss these fleeting thoughts, much like they do any other unwanted thought that enters their minds. Most find that heterosexual feelings awaken or increase within them.
Plan of Action
Since same-sex attraction is the outward manifestation of unresolved issues that are central to the individual’s personality, deciding to work on these issues involves reevaluating his/her core person and working to change it. This may be a long and painful process, and not everyone who begins it sees it through. Of those who make a strong commitment, most are able to resolve most or all of their problems and make significant, long-lasting changes in their lives.
The ultimate goal of this transition process is to achieve the following:
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a sense of belonging to the gender.
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a comfortableness with heterosexual men/women.
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same-gender relationships that are emotionally healthy.
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the ability to relate well with others emotionally, spiritually, and physically.
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the ability to function effectively as a husband/wife and father/mother.
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the personal satisfaction of understanding, controlling, and feeling good about oneself.
With the counsel of a bishop and therapist, they should identify specific areas where work is needed to resolve problems. They may need to come to grips with past emotional trauma, resolve current emotional conflicts, overcome emotional detachments and dependencies, learn to love appropriately, build healthy relationships, correct self-perceptions, or build feelings of masculinity/femininity and self-worth. To develop spiritually, they may need to learn to surrender to God, overcome envy and lust, give Christian service, or develop spiritual wholeness.
Choices
People with same-sex attraction still have agency and can make correct choices about their lives. Although their freedom may be reduced because of susceptibilities or situations beyond their control, they must accept personal responsibility for their actions and the direction of their lives.
Accountability
They need to be accountable:
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To themselves, honestly admitting problems and weaknesses.
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To God in daily prayer, confessing their weaknesses and asking for His strength.
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To their bishop or branch president for sins that should be confessed.
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To their therapist for how well they are following through on the things they need to do.
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To a confidant. This may be someone who also has a personal struggle with homosexuality or simply a close friend.
Multifaceted approach
People can be more successful when they use all the relationships and resources available, such as family, friends, counselors, Church leaders, faith, prayer, group and individual therapy, books, and support groups. They also need to grow in other areas like coming to understand their true self, confirming their masculine/feminine identity, healing old wounds, forgiving, reconciling relationships with parents or others, and learning to control their behavior. And spirituality will need to play a major role.
Behavior
Same-sex attractions can be intense. People may have participated in sexual activities to fill the void they feel. However, this causes further confusion, leading them to believe that the needs are sexual rather than emotional. Sexual activities provide temporary gratification of the sex drive, but leave people with deeper feelings of emptiness, loneliness and frustration. Rather than satisfying their real needs for acceptance and companionship, the sexual behavior only intensifies the needs. One of the greatest tragedies of homosexuality is the unawareness in most people that their needs are emotional.
An important first step is to get any homosexual behavior under control. A person who has been heavily involved in sexual activities may have a demanding struggle to overcome habits and sexual addictions. As people resolve deeper issues, the compulsion toward homosexual behavior will diminish or disappear and the struggle to control his behavior will be less demanding. Those who have been heavily involved in sexual behavior for a number of years have a greater struggle overcoming habits and sexual addictions.
Personal study
Overcome confusion by getting good, true information. This will help them make sense of their feelings and see things in a more enlightened perspective.
Support groups
Most people find support groups to be very helpful. A support group must be a safe and confidential place where people who experience same-sex attraction can come to know they are not alone in their struggle. It is a place to find encouragement from others who are working to resolve the same problems, and that will help reduce feelings of being alone, different, and isolated. They will discover that even when others know all about them, they still accept them. When feelings of rejection are gone, they find they have the courage to relate to others in the group and eventually to the same gender outside the group.
In addition to conventional support groups, experiential groups can be helpful. These groups provide a specific experience, such as sports programs that teach basic skills and provide opportunities to play the sport. Participants learn how to function on a team and have the chance to face and resolve old fears and feelings of rejection and feel accepted as a member of a team.
Support groups can also be helpful to wives, parents, siblings, and others who may need to work through their own issues.
Warning: Choose a support group that upholds the doctrines of the gospel and the standards of the Church without reservation or exception. Avoid groups that justify homosexual behavior or find exception with the doctrines or practices of the Church.
Therapy
Individual therapy is an essential part of the process for most people who resolve their same-sex attraction issues. A trained therapist can help individuals to clarify their identity, make life choices consistent with their personal values, and guide them through the complex process of transitioning out of homosexuality. Group therapy can also be beneficial.
Warning: Choose a therapist who will support the person’s personal values and one who has received specific training in helping people overcome same-sex attraction.
Masculinity
A man who experiences same-sex attraction may feel inadequate in his masculinity. That doesn’t mean he sees himself as feminine or wishes he were a woman. He may not have fully internalized what it means to be a male or how to function as a male. He may not have had a nurturing relationship with his father or another significant male to feel fulfilled in his masculinity, and as a result may now need to do some work to make up for these deficits.
Relationships
Same-sex attractions stem from relationship deficits and one of the keys to resolving the problems is to repair existing relationships and build healthy, emotionally-satisfying ones. People who make the most progress in resolving their problems are those who build quality relationships with persons of the same gender. When people lack confidence or experience, they may need to begin by building safe relationships with others of the same gender in a support group, and when their confidence grows, move on to building deeper relationships with others of the same gender at work and in their wards.