Getting Started (for women struggling with same-sex attraction)by Sharon Smith |
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Click on a link below to jump directly to that section of this page. Introduction IntroductionI do not believe God sends His children into this world with inborn, unalterable moral handicaps. All of us are born morally innocent and capable of remaining so. It is the effects of our environment and our own individual personality, perceptions, choices, and actions that begin to lead us away from that state of innocence and purity. We are all capable of changing our thoughts, feelings and actions. SSA is no different than any other weakness (such as alcoholism, drug addiction, sexual addiction, lying, stealing, or gossiping) as to our opportunity and ability to overcome it. Sometimes it takes tremendous time and effort, but it is possible if we are really committed to paying whatever price or sacrifice is required SSA has no "quick fix" solution. It has taken your whole life to bring you to where you are now. It will require a firm desire and total commitment to overcome that inertia and begin to move in another direction. Your life will continue to have ups and downs, triumphs and trials, successes and setbacks, good and bad, pleasure and pain, etc. But, with perseverance, a plan of action, and achievable goals, the way you think, feel, and act will change. As your life moves on, you will begin to see changes in your relationships with others and in your perceptions about yourself. It will be gradual at first, but will accelerate as you move closer to your goal. The following is a list of specific areas to focus on to begin your healing process:
Information for WomenThe following thoughts are from my personal experience as one who has struggled with unwanted same-sex attractions and as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormon). It is also a result of the understanding I have gained from a multitude of areas. In the last 6 years I have read extensively about the subject of same-sex attraction, as well as attended support groups, firesides, workshops and conferences sponsored by Evergreen International. I have been in therapy (both individual and group). And for the past 3 years, through my association with Evergreen, I have heard the personal experiences and testimonies of countless individuals. Some of them are just beginning their path to wholeness and others are working in various stages of the healing process. It is my personal testimony that it is possible to heal the past and change the thoughts, feelings and behaviors associated with same-sex attraction. I most earnestly hope and pray that the following information will offer you some ideas to help you in your individual path to spiritual peace. This article is not meant to explain all the complexities of female homosexuality. My hope is to bring some understanding to some of the causes, and possible solutions, to this challenge in the lives of many women. For those of you who desire to gain a greater understanding of the issues involved, I suggest the following books. (Many are available from the Evergreen bookstore).
Contributing factors to women's same-sex attraction (SSA) issuesThe following is only a partial list of many of the factors which have been found to be common among women who experience SSA. No one can point to any single item in the list and claim that it has universal application. Indeed, the temperaments, perceptions, and life experiences which lead to this struggle are as varied and complex as the women who are affected by it. It has only been included here as an indication of the types of issues that need to be recognized and resolved if true healing is to occur.
Women's issues focus
1. Religious background and value systemDo I matter? Have you asked yourself why you are even interested in visiting this Web site? Is it just idle curiosity, or are you looking for a reason why you don't feel "quite right" about the messages you are hearing from the increasingly permissive society in which we live? Does SSA cause conflicts within you that you don't understand? When answering these questions, try to be honest with yourself. Don't argue or try to rationalize or intellectualize about how you feel. Just try to express what is going on within your soul. Understanding your motivation for seeking answers to these confusing desires and emotions inside will help you in deciding the direction you want your life to go. If living a gay lifestyle brings feelings of despair and hopelessness, then this Web site will be valuable to you. If the thought of the time, effort, emotional pain, and expense required to heal from this trial in your life is not something you can and will commit to, then this Web site will not have much to offer you. If you find in your introspection that there is a need for something more than just "living with it," if you have a belief in a moral code that tells you that this is not the way you were intended to live your life, then you have taken the first step to healing. You will need a belief in something, or someone, greater than what you can perceive with your five senses to lean on for strength when you feel the struggle is too great for you to handle. Without a belief that life has purpose, it is difficult to try (or even consider) changing the way we live. The world increasingly advocates instant gratification of whatever we perceive we need to make us happy. It offers the excuse for any destructive behavior that it's someone else's responsibility--"THEY" made me do it. "Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die," is the motto of those without hope. In all types of media, the theme is, "if it feels good, do it!" There is no goal beyond the present. Life is full of too much uncertainty and we are at the mercy of forces over which we have no control. If these philosophies are true, and there is nothing more than this life available to us, then we are consigned to misery, because fleeting moments of pleasure do not bring lasting peace or joy. Depending on where you are in your perceptions about God and your relationship to Him, the following section may or may not be helpful to you. If you have a testimony of the existence and loving concern of your Heavenly Parent, then please continue reading this section. If, however, you do not want to be "preached to," just skip to the next topic on Gender Identity. There is a need within us that tells us there is an answer to, and sensible order and purpose behind, the circumstances, experiences, and inconsistencies of this world. This knowledge comes to us far beneath the perception of our physical senses. It comes from our eternal spirit. The Light of Christ illuminates the world beyond our senses. It is through this sixth sense, this spiritual sense, that the true beauties and experiences of life are recognized. They are even known and accepted (but not understood) by the world. The morals that form the basis of living for the general good of humanity are still true, even for the spiritually blind and deaf. Truth is eternal! Righteousness brings peace! Obedience brings order! Love brings joy! Christ is the way to peace in this life and eternal life in the world to come! How much of your life is centered in Christ? Is He your master or is your body your master? Are you trying to live as you believe He wants you to live? Do you believe you are worthy to have Him as a friend? Do you believe He cares about you and what is happening in your life? Do you believe the atonement was for you? The answer to these and many other questions concerning Christ are important in your ability to commit to the change process. So, we will begin with the basic steps we are reminded of at almost every church meeting we participate in. Pray, read the scriptures, repent, obey the commandments, and endure to the end. Let's start with PrayerWhat are your beliefs and feelings about prayer? There are those who believe God is really not concerned with their problems and doesn't have time to listen to their prayers. They seem to think He is too busy with more important things. Others may feel they are too unworthy to approach God. Do you think your problems are too insignificant or "gross" to "bother" Him about? Some have given up on prayer because they don't believe they were answered in the past. Did you ever plead to have this burden removed and it didn't leave? Jesus asked for the same reprieve, and His answer was also "no." It takes great faith to believe that He does not say "no" to punish you, but because there is a greater purpose to this trial in your life. What keeps you from conversing with the Father who loves you so much that He sent His Only Begotten Son to suffer and die for you? Do you think He no longer loves you because you aren't worthy of His love? Learn a truth from Dr. John Lund (author and lecturer on relationships): "God loves you because He is good, not because you are (or are not) good!" His love does not depend on your actions! God's love is eternal because He is eternal and unchanging. He will never stop loving you, nor will He ever stop listening to your fervent prayers. "I stand at the door and knock…" (Rev. 3:20). What will it take to sufficiently humble you, till you know that you cannot overcome sin alone? How long will you ask for the cup to pass according to your own will rather than His? As long as you continue walking in your own direction, you will never find the way out. It takes a complete surrender of your soul--a broken heart and a contrite spirit--to His care and His will before you can be guided out of the darkness. He knows the path that you need to take! Ask Him for direction with every step. He is right beside you. He will not fail you if you reach out to Him in every trial and temptation. He knows your weaknesses, but He also knows your strengths. He wants you to succeed. He also wants you to learn and grow as you struggle over and through the obstacles in your life. With God by your side you will triumph! ScripturesThe scriptures are full of hope. They provide a roadmap to guide us through, around, and over the terrain of life. They show us where some have encountered harmful or even deadly obstacles. They show the paths that have brought others to peace and safety. They have private messages that come to us in our deepest need. Messages that answer questions that only God knows we have asked, messages that strengthen us in times of weakness, messages that comfort us in our loneliness, messages of hope when all seems lost. They provide us with the constant companionship of humble and stalwart souls who have walked this way before us. They teach us of the majesty of God. They teach us of the love and compassion of His Son. They bring peace to our homes and our lives. They feed us the bread of life, the word of God. RepentanceWhat do you need to repent of? Have you given in to temptation? Do you feel you are bad because of how you feel or because of what you have done? Everyone who has ever lived on this earth, or is here now, has been tempted and has committed sin. What is sin? It is anything that separates us from God. There are degrees of sin. The kinds of temptations we have in this world are not a reflection of how good or bad we are. It is how we respond to them that shows us our strengths and weaknesses. Those that cause greater suffering, either for us or for others, will bring the greater condemnation because justice demands equal payment for the damage inflicted. And, because the seriousness of the offence is greater, the struggle to overcome it is equally greater. This is especially true of sexual sin. We may try to convince ourselves that it is only our own life that is affected by giving in to temptation, but our choices in respect to sexuality have repercussions in the lives of our family, friends, community, and church, as well as our eternal progenitors and posterity. We do not live alone in this or the next world, even though we sometimes feel like we do. However, weaknesses and temptations are not sin. Weaknesses are given to us to humble us, not to condemn us. They are not evil, but only the hurdles along the track of life. If temptation were a sin, Christ would not have been sinless, for He was tempted throughout His life to prove He was the Son of God. Your bishop or other spiritual leader may be a good source of support and encouragement in your struggles, even if you haven't done anything that needs confession and repentance. He can use the resources of the church family to offer the righteous friendship and companionship that is so needed by those who struggle with SSA. And, if you do need the cleansing of repentance, he is there as the one with authority and stewardship to help you back into full fellowship with God and the Church. Confession is not easy for anyone. It is embarrassing and humbling. But it is required by God to make the atonement effective in your life. It is not an end to your progression; it is the beginning to rid your soul of the burdens of guilt and pain. It is up to you to choose redemption or torment. No one can force you to repent. If it is necessary for you to go through Church disciplinary councils, they may or may not be a source of comfort to you. But if you accept their decisions in meekness, God will ease whatever burdens you may have to bear. He will guide you back to peace and purity. "Though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be white as snow…" (Isaiah 1:15). When you are brought back into full fellowship in the Church, the blessings it provides will have much deeper meaning and value to you. The sacrament will be a true renewal, the temple will bring greater peace, the scriptures will have greater meaning, and the gospel will become a lifeline to joy. Obeying the commandmentsThis may seem like an impossibility when your feelings and desires are in direct opposition to them. How do you find peace when this inner conflict is a constant drain on your soul? The solution is to understand your enemy! Your needs for love, affection, acceptance, and affirmation are natural, righteous, and normal human needs. The ways you try to fill them are what cause the problems in your life. When the perceptions, beliefs, and habits of a lifetime are resolved, the source of the conflict gradually disappears. Free from that internal struggle, keeping the commandments and your covenants becomes a joy rather than a burden. The journey to wholeness begins with being at peace with God. The Light of Christ will guide you home. 2. Gender identity - FemininityThe search for "me." Although we are born into this world with a specific sex, we are not born with a gender identity. It is one of the multitude of things we learn as we become more aware of the world around us, the people who inhabit our world, and our own individual uniqueness and separateness from them. Our sex is determined by the physical attributes of our bodies, while gender identity refers to the way we think, feel, and act in our relationships with other people. The search for understanding homosexuality must involve discovering why the gender of male and female (which is necessary to produce offspring and ensure the continued existence of humanity) finds sexual expression in ways that are in opposition to its most obvious purpose. While homosexual activity does exist in other animal species, it is generally not an exclusive preference of same-sex partners but rather a means of gratification of immediate sexual drives. However, in humanity, sexual expression involves much more than species survival or self-gratification. The interplay of physical, mental, emotional, familial, spiritual, and sociological factors are deeply involved in all of our relationships, including sexual ones. While vast amounts of research have been done in the study of human sexuality, the study of the root causes of homosexuality have been shifted into the realm of "political correctness." True scientific study is discouraged by the attitude that homosexuality is a "normal" expression of sexual identity, and trying to find causes that would cast doubt on this attitude is seen as bigoted, homophobic, and unscientific. For if there is a cause, then there must also be a cure. If there is a cure, then it is difficult to sustain a convincing argument that this is an unalterable condition. In spite of this prevailing attitude, there has been research into some of the factors which have been found to be common among individuals who are more attracted to members of their own sex. Those who do this work are often severely criticized by pro-gay groups, members of their professional organizations, and the liberal press. But it is through the concern of such individuals that those who desire to live a life in harmony with their deepest beliefs and core values have been given hope that it is possible to attain eventual inner peace. Gender identity begins as children start to learn that there are differences in the roles of men and women. As they become aware of their own gender, they usually begin to identify with the parent (or surrogate) of the same sex. It is in this early stage of development that individuals and events can begin to interrupt the normal developmental process into a heterosexual being. In order for children to develop healthy autonomy, their needs for touch, nurturing, affection, acceptance, validation, and defense need to be filled. If they are not met, or are met in inappropriate ways, the child experiences pain. In order to keep from experiencing the pain again, he or she develops defenses against it, or against the person who is perceived as having inflicted it. Since this is usually a parent (and more particularly the same-sex parent), the child builds a wall of what Elizabeth Moberly (Homosexuality: A New Christian Ethic, Cambridge: James Clarke & Co., 1983) referred to as "defensive detachment." At the same time, they are still seeking a means to fulfill the underlying need, referred to by Moberly as the "reparative love urge." Most of the time, these unmet needs are not a deliberate attempt to injure the child, but the result of unconscious attitudes, such as "Don't spoil your child," "We really wanted a boy," "I don't know how to take care of a baby," etc. Or they may be uncontrollable circumstances in the parent's life (unwed mother, adoption, illness, death, divorce, abuse, finances, etc.). Regardless of the cause, the beliefs of the child are shaped by his or her perception of the event or events. This self-perception and perception of the environment is the heart of the problem of gender- identity development. The detachment from the influence of the same-sex parent removes the major source of role modeling vital in learning how to relate to other members of one's own sex. It also leaves unfulfilled the basic need for love, acceptance, approval, and affirmation, which is vital to the development of a healthy self-worth and self-assurance. To the child so disconnected, this is perceived as "If my own dad (or mom) doesn't like me, there must be something wrong with me." If this detachment from her mother occurs in a young girl's life, it opens the option of transferring her focus from identifying with mom, to trying to receive acceptance from and/or identifying with her father. If they are unavailable or unreceptive to her, she is left on her own to find someone else to fill her needs. In this state, she is vulnerable to a variety of both healthy and/or unhealthy influences in her life. If she is lucky enough to have another female accept the role of mothering her while she is still a child, her needs for nurturing and role modeling can still be met. However, since her mother still has the role of her primary caretaker, her attitudes can still affect the self-perceptions of her daughter. If mother is perceived as weak, or abused, or unhappy in her marriage, or in any way denigrates femininity, the girl may unconsciously decide that being a female is not what she wants to be. She may begin to reject anything that reflects femininity and, in so doing, she rejects part of herself. In a patriarchal society, she seeks a sense of control and self-worth by trying to be more masculine. This is one reason why the feminist movement has such appeal to many lesbians. If she has the attitude that she is better than a man (because she believes she knows what a woman really wants) she may even become very smug in her role. To a degree, she is right. But only because she is a woman with the same attributes (physical, mental, and emotional) as other women. She is unconsciously validating her own sexual identity as a female. However, inside she is still seeking that nurturing and validation of her own worth as a woman. Until she can accept, believe, and desire to acknowledge her own true nature, she will always be seeking it in other women. Abuse is another problem that affects many SSA women (up to 80% according to several clinical studies (Whitehead, B.K., 1996, Journal of Psychology & Christianity, vol. 15, num. 4, 348-363; Gundlach, R.H. & Riess, B.F., 1967, Psychological Reports, 20, 61-62; Nichols, M., 1988, Homosexuality: Heterosexuality, New York: Oxford Press; Peters, D.K. & Cantrell, P.J., Journal of Homosexuality, 21. 1-15; Wolff, C., Love Between Women, London Duckworth Co. Ltd.). This can take many different forms: physical, sexual, emotional, psychological, or neglect. Depending on the type of abuse, it can have a tremendous affect on the ability to trust and relate to individuals of either sex. If the perpetrator was male, it may severely diminish a woman's desire to become intimately involved with another male. If the perpetrator was a female, she is again in the predicament of denigrating all women (including herself) or again seeking a positive role model to dispel her doubts about the dependability and trustworthiness of women. 3. RelationshipsAn area related to the previous one is developing wholesome friendships with several other women. This would also include being the one to initiate (as much as possible) reconciliations with your mother, sisters, and friends who have been estranged from your life. This may not be possible for a variety of reasons, but where it is possible, try it. Regardless of their acceptance or rejection of your attempts, it is very healing to forgive and leave the pain of the past behind. Most women have a natural need for other women in their lives with whom they can share their triumphs, joys, and sorrows. In the book In the Company of Women (Miltnomah Books, a part of the Questar publishing family, 1994), Brenda Hunter said the following about the relationships with various women that shape our lives, including mothers, daughters, sisters, and friends, "It sounds like a truism to say that women are relational beings who need the empathy, wisdom, and friendship of other women." Ellen Goodman and Patricia O'Brien wrote a story about their friendship and the friendships of other women. In their book I Know Just What You Mean: The Power of Friendship in Women's Lives (2000, Simon & Schuster), they state: "Friendship matters to women; it matters a lot; women today–with lives often in transition–depend on friends more than ever.… We came to believe that fine feeling news–so clearly on the wire that ran back and forth between our brains–was at the center of the closest female friendships, the place where women do the work of their lives, the growing, the understanding, the reflection. It's how we know each other and ourselves." Numerous books have been written on the difference between men and women when it comes to the need to share their feelings. (See Men Are From Mars–Women are From Venus, John Gray, 1992, Harpercollins.) Women with SSA generally have a great difficulty forming and maintaining healthy relationships with other women. This occurs for a variety of reasons. Many of them are caused by fear–fear of rejection, fear of being alone, fear of not measuring up to another's expectations, fear of someone finding out about their SSA, fear of giving in to the temptation of sexual intimacy, and/or fear of being abused. Sometimes their perceptions are so distorted that they consider all women as frilly, frivolous, brainless, and superficial. Regardless of the reasons, relationships with other women are much of the problem, and the solution, to SSA. The biggest challenge many SSA women have in forming a natural friendship is in remaining autonomous. When relationships are formed with another woman who is struggling with SSA, they can become very dependent on each other to fill all their social and emotional needs. Everything in their lives is considered as "ours" rather than "mine" and "yours". A sense of ownership of each other's lives and decisions can cause extreme jealousy. Even if the other woman does not have this issue to deal with, the SSA woman may develop obsessive attachments to her. She may expect or demand more time, attention, and affection than is normal or healthy in a friendship. The needs for validation, acceptance, affection, and nurturing, which have not been met in the natural process of maturing, begin to assert themselves in the relationship. Statements like: "She is the only one who totally understands me," "She is my soul mate," "I feel like I've come home," and "It feels so right, it can't be wrong," are typical from women who are involved in such relationships. The lives of women who are involved in a mutual SSA relationship can become so intermingled that time spent without the presence of the other becomes increasingly stressful as the duration increases. If circumstances allow them to live together, they may become more and more isolated from society. They may begin to view other relationships as intrusions into their private world. This all-inclusive relationship is very restrictive to both women. It severely limits the active participation of each of them to pursue individual goals, to enlarge their group of friends, to physically move to a new environment, to learn their own value as an individual, to become self-sustaining and self-validating, to become "whole." It also cuts them off from healthy associations with other women who can help them feel a part of the rest of humanity. Trying to have all of one's needs met by just one person becomes stifling to both partners. We are in trouble when we believe that anyone–male or female–can make our lives complete. Putting any person in that position becomes a form of idolatry. The following quote is from the book The Friendships of Women by Dee Brestin (imprint of Cook Communications Ministries, Chariot/Victor Publishing). In the book she tells about a former lesbian relationship between Rachel and Laura, who are both now happily married, serving the Lord, and good friends. Rachel makes this profound observation: "Christ can break chains if you are determined to obey. I now know that our friendship became unbalanced when we began to look to each other for the fulfillment of our lives. Every day, I need to choose Christ as the first and foremost focus of my life. I believe any relationship, even that between husband and wife, is in the danger zone when they look to each other for the completion they should have in Christ." And, in the same book, Gail MacDonald asks: "Do you drive your friend to God or to you? Are your friends dependent on you or are they drawn to God?" In writing the chapter on Best Friends, Dee states: "How we need to loosen our hold on our best friends! We need to encourage them not only to run to God but also to develop friendships with others.…considering the feminine tendency toward dependency, it would be healthy to seek more than one soulmate and to give our closest friends freedom to do the same." Because of the differing roles of men and women in a normal marriage, this type of enmeshment does not often occur. Their entire world is not tied to their partner to the exclusion of everyone else. Wives usually have friends outside of their home with whom they interact. Men also have other activities and friends to spend time with. While it is good to have a few intimate friends, it is equally important to share some of your interests with a variety of people. If learning how to develop healthy friendships is an area you would like to learn more about, some excellent instruction is found in the booklet by Shirley E. Cox and Doris Dant entitled Developing Genuine Friendships available through the Evergreen online bookstore. 4. Personality traitsMuch has been written and inferred about the difference in the personalities of children within the same family. Members of the LDS Church believe we lived with God before we came to this earth. We were individuals there just as we are here and had different interests, desires, and goals. (Satan's was to replace God.) It is that same spirit that inhabits our earthly bodies. It is who we really are. We are not all alike spiritually any more than we are physically. Also, the ways we perceive and react to the world in which we live differ with each individual. Circumstances that would be ignored by one person can have a totally different effect upon another. The young woman who enjoys sports, who is outgoing, and competitive may be called a "tomboy" in jest, but her perception of this teasing can effect her developing perception of her role in society. This does not infer that this one incident could or would cause an immediate decision that there is something different or wrong with her. But combined with other occurrences in her life, it could be a contributing factor in her self-perception and her relationships with others. In short, society's opinions concerning what are and are not "normal" activities and interests for men and women can be enormous obstacles to those who don't "fit the mold." Depending on their personality and self-perceptions, they can either reject society and act according to their own judgment, or they can reject themselves as a viable member of their own gender. Those with SSA have accepted the latter response. 5. AbuseAbuse comes in many forms: physical, sexual, emotional, psychological, and neglect. There are some types of abuse which are not intentional but are the result of uncontrollable circumstances in the lives of the parent and/or parents. The majority, however, are perpetrated by individuals who hold some position of trust and/or power over their victims. Whatever the cause or type of abuse, it is still destructive to the healthy development of the child. Also, actions which may have no negative effect on one child may be perceived as abusive to another. As has been stated in the earlier section on gender identity, a majority of women with same-sex attraction have experienced abuse at some time in their lives. The results of this trauma can cause a vast range of very deep feelings and emotions including betrayal, hatred, outrage, anger, guilt, helplessness, despair, and mistrust. The value of professional therapy in such cases is immeasurable. The effect of these feelings will be an integral part of every relationship that occurs in the lives of the victims, including their relationship with God. Without resolution, it will be very difficult to develop healthy, trusting relationships. 6. Habits and re-enforcing behaviorsThe effects of indulging in pornography, sexual fantasies, and masturbation should be self-evident. Certainly, the things we see, hear, think about, and indulge in are going to affect our ability and desire to change our behavior. Only a fool would deny that the pleasures of the flesh are enjoyable. However, the things we focus our attention on have an eternal effect upon our soul. When we become addicted to momentary pleasures, we have chosen to be in bondage and it is very difficult to break free from any addiction. The longer the habit is re-enforced, the more difficult it will be to change the behavior. However, since pornography, sexual fantasies, and masturbation are common problems associated with SSA, below are suggested resources to help in overcoming them.
As has been stated before, SSA is a relationship problem. Associating with people who do not support the desire to change will only weaken a commitment to the change process. Leaving friends, associations, and places associated with the past is a very important and necessary step in developing healthy, righteous relationships. For many SSA women, this is probably as difficult as overcoming an addiction. In truth, most of these relationships are emotional addictions. These addictions are the result of the need to have someone to take away the pain of isolation and loneliness, lack of physical contact and touch, lack of self worth, and desire for acceptance, without regard for the consequences. That is why it is so important to break those ties. With time and healing, it may be possible to renew old friendships, but only after the emotionally-dependent needs have been resolved. The focus should be toward developing several same-sex friendships with women who are not dealing with this issue themselves. (See the previous section on relationships.) A closely-related challenge for women with SSA is understanding and applying appropriate boundaries. With the problems caused by poorly-developed relationships, and often because of the lack of appropriate touch and affection, the desire for physical and emotional attachment can become exaggerated and inappropriate. This can result in violations of personal space, intrusions into, and jealousy of, the partner's independent life (friends, family, work, hobbies, etc.), combining finances, surrender of personal values, goals, and religion, and isolation from normal social interactions. This enmeshment stifles individuality and growth. The effects can be seen in the development of resentment, anger, financial difficulties for one or both partners, lack of personal growth and autonomy, and sometimes physical and/or mental abuse. 7. Society normsAs a result of the efforts of gay rights groups, open discussion about, and tolerance for, homosexuals has increased dramatically over the last 10 years. While this has given those who are struggling more opportunity to find acceptance and seek help, it has had a very negative effect upon those who want to change their sexual orientation. The political power of groups advocating homosexuality as an acceptable, and even normal, alternative life style has intruded into professional groups such as the American Psychiatric Association (APA), The American Psychological Association (APA), and The National Association of Social Workers (NASW). The code of ethics of each of these organizations has been revised to discourage helping individuals who seek to change these unwanted attractions. Scientific psychological study into the causes and possible treatment of SSA is discouraged as politically incorrect, homophobic, and harmful. Because of these attitudes, strugglers are increasingly being told to "just accept that's who you are, and learn to be comfortable with it." Young people entering puberty are being told they are "gay" if they express any attraction to members of their own sex. At this age, when they are just beginning to discover their blossoming sexuality, they are very vulnerable to peer pressures and all too ready to label themselves. While some of these adolescents may be having gender-identity problems, for most it is part of normal heterosexual development to have crushes on teachers, leaders, and others of the same sex. But once anyone accepts a label, it becomes self-fulfilling. Thoughts, feelings, and actions begin to be modified to fit the criteria of the label. That is why it is vital that parents be open in their discussions about sex and sexuality with their teenagers, and firm in their requirements for compliance to their own moral code within their own home. If problems are recognized and therapy is provided early enough, the problems of SSA can be resolved before feelings and habits become ingrained. 8. Ostracism from family, friends and church"Coming out" to family and friends involves great risk to anyone with SSA, even if they have never acted on their feelings in an inappropriate way. Many have been ridiculed and/or rejected by those who should be their greatest source of strength in their struggles. The efforts required in overcoming this weakness often become very discouraging. Everyone needs support when the trials of this life seem overwhelming. This is when parents, family and friends need to show unconditional love. Even when (and probably especially when) wrong choices have been made, the unwavering support and encouragement from someone who truly cares gives hope that all is not lost, that repentance and forgiveness are possible, that love still exists, and that God still cares. It is hope that puts us on the road to repentance and leads us back to God. The two most important things that a parent can give a child who struggles and/or strays are unconditional love and an unwavering moral stand regarding immoral behavior. Never give up and never give in! God's requirement for obedience to His laws never changes, but neither does His love for us. Sometimes we have to learn truth by suffering the consequences of bad choices. For those struggling with SSA, finding acceptance within a religious community is a tremendous challenge. Too often it is a taboo subject, or so misunderstood that it invokes immediate negative responses. Church leaders and members who would like to help are usually uninformed or misinformed about the subject. This is an area of great sorrow to the struggler who desires to be obedient to God, but feels alienated from those who could offer the greatest help. As a result, far too many have given in to the vocal and accepting gay rights propaganda. Until churches become more willing to talk about the issue and try to learn more about the resources available to help their struggling brothers and sisters, they are going to continue to lose souls. What is the solution?Until a woman can accept her entire self, she will never progress beyond the need of the child she was, to be nurtured and validated as an individual of worth. So one of the prime objectives of the healing process is to heal the misperceptions and injuries of that child. The first area of focus involves developing a relationship with God. Our beliefs and perceptions about the nature of God is primarily influenced by the beliefs and practices of the culture in which we live and those of the family in which we were raised. During the first years of a child's life, parents are her god. They are the ones responsible for providing for the needs of the child. As the child begins to learn about Deity, the negative as well as the positive aspects of the parent-child relationship are incorporated into their concept of God. Often, to those who have been abused, abandoned, or ridiculed, God is viewed as distant, cold, judgmental, unjust, and uncaring. The first step to healing must include changing these misperceptions. As one comes to know the true reality of who God is, they begin to gain a greater understanding about, and ability to value, themselves. Self-worth is the foundation upon which we build our self-identity. Developing a new and healthier view of one's self is greatly facilitated by finding a counselor or therapist (preferably female) who has had experience working with clients with SSA. Total commitment to whatever time, effort, and finances required is essential to the success of this process. Another area of focus would be in developing healthy same-sex relationships.
If you are among those who do not see yourself as feminine, this next suggestion will probably be the thing that you will feel most uncomfortable with, and will be the most resistant to. It will take you way out of your comfort zone. It is to be willing to try more typically feminine activities. This is not necessarily to change how you look or dress, but to learn how it feels just to be "one of the girls." The object is to learn to relax, be comfortable, and have fun just being with members of your own sex, without feeling out of place or that you don't belong there. At first, it will feel very uncomfortable to you–like you're trying on someone else's shoes. Just go ahead and try it anyway!
I sincerely hope this information will be of help to you in your struggle to
attain all the joy and happiness available to you as a daughter of God. |
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Return to the Resources for Individuals page. Return to the Resources for Family, Friends, and Church Leaders page. Return to the Resources for Therapists page. |
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