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This is a letter a participant in Evergreen wrote to his brother and he
agreed to share it with us. Names have been changed for confidentiality.
Dear Frank,
I really enjoyed seeing you at Christmas. The three days we were home seemed
to fly by. I had hoped to find some time to talk with you in private, but
before I knew it, it was time for your flight. There are a few things I
wanted to explain. A lot has happened in my life since we first talked about
homosexuality four years ago and since I visited you in Chicago three years
ago. You're probably wondering why I've been in a bishopric and why I am now
on the high council. Let me explain.
Confronting homosexuality is never easy. There are no easy answers and no
one single way of dealing with it. I've spent these last four years trying
to figure out what to do about it in my life. I've explored the options open
to me and made some choices.
During these four years, I have developed close relationships with several
men. With three of them, I considered seriously the possibility of a
long-term relationship. And as I considered a life with them, I always came
to the conclusion that I couldn't give up my family. I just wouldn't be
happy without them, even if I found Mr. Right. I also realized that I can't
in good conscience live a double life, having both a family and a lover on
the side. So, I have had to make a choice between the two, and the decision
has always been to stay with my family.
The gospel also means a lot to me, and to leave my family and take on a
lover would also leave me outside the Church. Realizing that I can't have
both, my decision has been to follow the truths of the gospel. I've also
discovered, which I did not consider at first, that there are ways of
dealing with my homosexuality so that I can be a good member of the Church.
I know that I can live the law of chastity. My emotional feelings for other
men aren't bad as long as I don't sexualize them, and I can be satisfied
with good emotional relationships with men. In fact, the more close
relationships I develop with other men, the more I realize that what I
really wanted all along is a close personal relationship with them, and not
sex at all. With the good close friends I have now, I have found that over
the years I long for men less and less, and I find now that I seldom have
homosexual desires at all.
As for my behavior in the past, repentance is real, and I feel I have been
forgiven. I want you to know that I'm not living a double life. Everything
is on the up and up. My bishop and stake president know all about my
homosexuality and past behaviors--that I can live worthy of these callings.
I wanted to explain this to you before I baptized our cousin Rick, but with
so much happening at home over the holidays, I did not have the chance.
It has been about a year now that I've settled my struggle with
homosexuality. I no longer feel torn between homosexuality and my family or
the gospel. One friend of mine tells me that I'm just suppressing it. But, I
don't think so. I've thought it out carefully, experienced a lot, and have
made some conscious choices. I know what I want from life, and I've chosen
it. My closer friends believe that I've analyzed my life and made my choice.
I had to look within my heart to see who I really am, and make decisions
based on that. And, most importantly, I feel at peace with the conclusions
I've reached.
Call me if you want to talk about this some more. I love you as my brother.
I want to come out and visit you again, but I'm not sure when. I look
forward to seeing you at the family reunion in July. I love you very much.
Take care.
Love,
Spencer
Originally published in Journey, Volume 3, Number 1,
February 1994, Page 2.
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