Evergreen Update Newsletter
March 30, 2007
You may be interested in the following article that appeared in the
Deseret News today:
Gay LDS men detail challenges:
3 who are married give some insights to therapist group
By Carrie A. Moore
Deseret Morning News
Friday, March 30, 2007
A group of Latter-day Saint counselors and therapists got some
up-close insight Thursday during a panel discussion at the Joseph
Smith Memorial Building into the challenges faced by gay LDS men who
marry.
Speaking to a standing-room-only audience, three LDS couples
described their experiences with their heterosexual marriages,
despite the fact that each of the husbands experience what they call
same-sex attraction, or SSA. They said while they are basically
happy, navigating the emotional and physical aspects of their
relationships requires constant hard work.
All emphasized that marriage is not a "cure" for same-sex attraction.
They were panelists during the semiannual meeting of the Association
of Mormon Counselors and Psychotherapists.
Because of the nature of the discussion, none of the participants
wanted their identities publicized. Their names have been changed
for this story.
Each of the men described a childhood that included being labeled as
a "golden boy" by their peers and church leaders — a devout
Latter-day Saint young man eager to learn and obey the faith's
teachings with respect to marriage and family, and to serve an LDS
mission.
All said they had at least one episode of feeling sexually attracted
to girls during adolescence or when they returned from their
missions. But a variety of factors came into play for each, both
during adolescence and in dating young women, that had them
wondering how they could possibly marry and have children, as their
church teaches.
"Brett" said he had so internalized LDS teachings about chastity and
morality as a young man that the thought of having a sexual
relationship with a woman "was repulsive. I was disgusted by the
female anatomy."
He was emotionally attracted to female friends, but couldn't get
beyond the physical repulsion, and avoided holding hands or kissing
women he dated. Dating his future wife off and on for an extended
period, the more serious she became, the more "my same-sex desires
came out. That's when I started getting into pornography" and other
behaviors, "which only perpetuates the problem," he said.
Desperate to end the emotional pain, he confided in her, expecting
the relationship to end. Instead, "she reacted very, very well. She
looked at me and said, 'Are you crazy? That doesn't change the fact
that I love you."' She began going to counseling with him, and they
eventually married.
She didn't pressure him for physical intimacy once she realized the
issue. Meantime, he found a male mentor who had been through the
same experience and was able to provide detailed explanations and
counsel.
"Joe" said he was attracted to women, but found dating and physical
intimacy intimidating, difficult and "not very successful. I was
having the opposite experience with people of the same sex that were
attractive and did reciprocate," though his "spiritual identity" had
always been "marriage and family," he said.
"That was always the goal, even when I was in the wilderness."
He dated his wife for three years, dealing with external pressure to
move the relationship forward from family and friends who didn't
know about his attraction to other men. He confided in her before
they were engaged, and they built a level of trust that took into
account his fears about physical intimacy.
"She took a risk ... but I do believe men can get to a point where
they are capable of a relationship with a woman."
"Dan" was sexually abused by male siblings as a child, but was
attracted to girls at a young age. When his early interest in girls
was discouraged, and he was teased for being "skinny and
effeminate," he turned toward boys, becoming addicted to gay
pornography and acting out.
He served a mission, returned and married without telling his wife
about his past, thinking he had overcome his attraction to men. But
several months later he got back into pornography and the
accompanying addictive behaviors. When she caught him looking at
porn, he told her his story.
After that, it took years for them to be able to discuss his
attraction to men. He said he "made a lot of mistakes" and the two
of them talked about divorce, but he praised his wife for "hanging
in there with me."
The wives said they see their husbands as much more than their
same-sex attraction. Despite the challenges and public perception to
the contrary, one said, "there are people who are married and
dealing with this."