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Evergreen Update Newsletter

August 9, 2007

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You may be interested in the following story that appeared in the
Church News on Saturday, July 21, 2007. If you want to thank the Church
News staff writer Sarah Jane Weaver, you can send her an e-mail at
sarah@desnews.com

Their lives' roads paved with sorrow:
Men dealing with same-sex attraction share their stories

By Sarah Jane Weaver
Church News staff writer

In a quiet, solemn moment, a teenager made a deal with God. The young
man would serve a faithful mission. He would go anywhere he was asked
and serve with distinction. Having already read the Book of Mormon
three times, now he would memorize it and share it. He would bring
others to the gospel of Jesus Christ with a faithfulness displayed by
few others.
In exchange, the young man pleaded for only one thing. He didn't want
to feel different any more. He didn't want to analyze his every thought
and desire. He didn't want to worry friends would discover his secret.
"Please," he prayed, "Take away my attraction to other men."
Yet, more than two years later, after the young man had kept his end of
the self-negotiated bargain, the feelings were still there. "Bitterness
welled up inside me," he said. "I was angry."
He started viewing homosexual pornography and soon met another
Latter-day Saint who was like him. A relationship followed.
"I knew I was no longer good. I knew I was messing up, but I didn't
care because that is what I wanted.
"I knew what I was going to give up was worth more than what I was
giving it up for. But because I felt these feelings, I believed I had
to live them. I felt compelled. I felt stuck. I felt I was sliding
backwards."
He pondered suicide, but ultimately chose to confide in the two people
he knew he could trust: his parents.
Today, after undergoing counseling and joining a support group for
Latter-day Saint men who live in the Church despite their same-sex
attraction, he is happily married. He doesn't want to judge others like
him who made different choices. Still, he and three others in the
Church who struggle with same-sex attraction decided to share their
stories in this week's Church News.
Their message is simple: Despite the loud voices of those who promote a
gay life-style, there is another path. And that road, which for them
includes family and the Church, can bring happiness.

Confusing topic

Church leaders have been very clear on the issue of same sex
attraction: "We of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
reach out with understanding and respect for individuals who are
attracted to those of the same gender," said a October 2004 First
Presidency statement. "We realize there may be great loneliness in
their lives but there must also be recognition of what is right before
the Lord."
Jeffrey Robinson, a psychotherapist who has counseled many men
struggling with the issue, said it is impossible to accurately
determine how many Latter-day Saints deal with same-sex attraction or
how the majority of them cope with it because there is "always a
sampling error."
"You are far more likely to talk to the person who is the most wounded,
the most confused, the most frustrated," Brother Robinson said.
"Everyone has heard the story of the man who left his wife and children
because he recognized that he was gay and that was never going to
change. Where do you hear the story about the men who stay with their
wives and children? You don't. They disappear. They go on with their
lives. They don't hold meetings. They don't hold press conferences."
People assume that because they know one person who has same-sex
attraction they have "a random sample; a representative sample of men
who deal with the issue," he said.
In reality, he continued, many, many men find a way to live lives that
are compatible with the gospel while still dealing with same-sex
attraction.
For the majority of his clients, same-sex attraction is a "very
personal issue." It is not about pressure of family, friends or
neighbors to be different than they are, he said. It is about wanting
to live the gospel, and realizing that, as far as they can tell, a
great portion of gospel life or family life is placed outside of their
reach.
"It is their testimony versus their feelings of same-sex attraction,"
he said. "That creates the biggest frustration for the men that I talk
to."

The hated secret

An only child raised by a single mother, another Church member said he
always felt drawn to other boys. At the age of 12, he confided in his
mother: he thought he was gay, he told her.
She arranged for him to see a Latter-day Saint counselor. "I was 12
years old," he recalled. "I didn't feel comfortable talking then."
The counselor told the young man to picture a stop sign in his head, to
visualize the eight sides and angles of the sign every time he had
unnatural feelings. After a few sessions, the boy lied. The stop sign
exercise had worked, he said. He didn't have feelings for other boys
any more.
But, years later, while still dealing with the feelings, he pondered
the counselor's advice. Certainly, he realized, this is not something a
mental stop sign could solve.
So he turned to prayer. When he couldn't pray the feelings away, he
thought about leaving the Church. "I couldn't understand how God could
make me have these feelings and cause these trials in my life."
It was something he hated about himself.
Once during a soccer game, he touched the ball with his hand and
allowed the other team to get a penalty kick. An infuriated player on
his team yelled: "You were gay in kindergarten! You are gay now!"
The young man ached inside. Never having shared his secret with anyone
but his mother and his counselor, he wondered why the angry teen would
use that terminology. "That is the worst thing in the world that I
could be," he thought. "If I was standing in a road and could choose to
be gay or be straight, I would never choose to be gay."

Not abandoned

Floyd Godfrey, executive director of Family Strategies and Coaching in
Mesa, Ariz., said the biggest myth about same-sex attraction is that
people who deal with it chose to be that way. "I have never met a
single man that told me he chose to have those feelings," said Brother
Godfrey. "They can choose their lifestyle. They can choose to get
help."
A member of the National Association of Research and Therapy of
Homosexuality, Brother Godfrey believes same-sex attraction has to do
with "emotional deficiencies and wounds."
He said many in the Church carry the false impression that if someone
has same-sex attraction they are also pedophiles, attracted to
children. Generally speaking, he said, that is just not true. He also
said it is also not true that avoiding men will help a person with
same-sex attraction eliminate temptation. "In essence, if you avoid men
or masculine activity you increase same-sex symptomatology."
Finally, he said, many Church members believe that a person's
faithfulness or lack thereof has something to do with their same-sex
attraction. "They believe if you have more faith, then you will get
better. If you prayed harder you would get better, fasted, attended the
temple more, then you would get better. I have never seen it happen."
Having feelings of same-sex attraction doesn't make someone bad, he
said. "It doesn't mean you have done something wrong or that there is
no God or that He has abandoned you."

Fear of loss

Another Church member surmises that he was not born with same-sex
attraction. Early memories have confirmed that fact to him over and
over again.
Still, he struggled with same-sex attraction through adolescence. "I
tried to live a good life. I tried to do what is right. I went on a
mission." But he grew up thinking he was evil, thinking he was bad,
thinking God didn't love him.
"It was a tough, lonely road."
After his mission he was OK for a while, then he gave in to temptation
and loneliness. "I worked through it, got married and then again I fell
back into it."
He considered leaving his family and the Church. Instead, he lived
years with a fear of loss -- "Will I lose my wife? Will I lose my
family? Will my parents disown me? Will my friends make fun of me? Will
I lose my job?"
But just five years ago he found hope. He told his wife of more than 15
years of his same-sex attraction and, surprisingly, she stayed with
him. "There are a lot of people out there that are caring and loving
who will support you," he said. And, he lamented, "there are people who
won't."
Ultimately, however, a strong support system helped him through. He
found change, although not easy, was possible.

Complex issue

Same-sex attraction is a complex issue, said Todd Olson, a licensed
clinical social worker and program director of the LifeSTAR network.
"There is no one answer we can find that applies to everyone across the
board." And people who have same-sex attraction come in all shapes and
sizes and have a variety of interests. One man, dealing with same-sex
attraction, played college football, for example. Another was a class
officer in high school.
Yet, Brother Olson said, his clients have one thing in common: at some
point in their lives they have "allowed their mono-sexual preference to
define who they are."
They forget their talents and interests and family relationships and
think of themselves as gay or homosexual.
"Our sexuality and need for intimacy is an important part of our
identity," said Dan Gray, a licensed clinical social worker and
director of the LifeSTAR Network. "But what about the rest of who and
what we (as human beings) are? We, as humans, are complex beings that
deserve to be defined by more than just our sexual orientation. We are
beings with gifts and talents. We are brothers and sisters, teachers,
mentors, and citizens. We are sons and daughters of God with divine
destinies. We limit our possibilities when we define ourselves
monastically, by one thing only."
Brother Olson said many who deal with same-sex attraction feel
compelled to find something that will make them feel whole.
He wants people to understand that "homosexual drives and feelings are
not the sin. It is the choice to act out that is the sin," he said.
"These saints need a place to come out of hiding where they are loved
and embraced and they can get some help."

Problems intensified

The returned missionary spoke to his stake president about his feelings
of same-sex attraction. "Get married and have sex and the feelings will
go away," the stake president responded.
So after the young man -- who also elected to anonymously share his
story in this week's Church News -- began dating a high school friend,
he proposed. "You need to know that I am dealing with this," he told
her before promising to live a worthy life as an active Church member.
She didn't anticipate major problems.
The couple married and turned to group counseling to help him with his
same-sex attraction. But group counseling did not have a positive
impact on him. There he learned how others dealt with their feelings.
He investigated the gay chat rooms and homosexual pornography that he
heard about in the sessions. "He was trying not to feel so alone," said
his wife.
His problems intensified when, shortly after his first child was born,
he was fired from his job for accessing gay pornography at work. He
started meeting others who shared his attraction and embraced their
stories. Some had left the Church and their families. They told him
they felt accepted by themselves and by God.
Then one night at midnight he awoke his wife. "I have given up," he
said. "I can't do it."
He told her he had met a man and had an affair. He had new friends.
Their way was easier. He left home.
But during that period of searching for acceptance, he couldn't shake
one reality: he still believed in Jesus Christ and in His Church.
He confided to a friend who was living a homosexual lifestyle. "I still
have a testimony," he said.
"That will never go away," the friend replied.
"Then what am I doing?" he asked.
He returned to his wife and child. The repentance process started with
his excommunication.
"He came to me and said this (his family) is what he wanted. And it is
what I want, too," said his wife. Together, they are finding a way to
deal with his same-sex attraction and live in the Church.
In retrospect, he thought about the loud message from his former
friends who continue to live a gay lifestyle: "We love you. We accept
you. Just be who you are."
Ironically, he found his family and the Church were sending the same
message: "We love you. We accept you. Just be who you are."
His former friends, however, made him believe he could do anything he
wanted -- without boundaries. The Church and his family wanted him to
recognize his divine potential and responsibilities.
"It comes down to your testimony," he said. "If you believe in the
Church, those are the answers you follow."