Testimony at the 2006 Evergreen conference

Given at the 16th Annual Evergreen conference, September 15, 2006

When I asked myself what those of you here would want to hear from my testimony I believe it is hope. For those of you who are family or friends of those who struggle with SSA you may hope that your loved ones can find healing or peace. For those of you who are in a helping position, you may be looking for ways to extend this hope. And for those of you who struggle, like I do, you may hope that you can survive this and find peace and joy. You may also have a hope that there will be support as you go through this. I promise you that there is support and that you do not have to be alone. God Himself promises you peace and a through this a hope.

I needed this hope when I was faced just a little over two years ago with the revelation, the realization that I was being asked to leave my same sex relationship of 14 years. I was in what I experienced as a happy, committed long-term relationship with a woman whom I believed I would grow old with. Never would I have thought that it would be any different…and yet, I still longed for more…I longed for relationship with God and I just didn't know how to have it.

God is faithful and He heard my longing. He knew the desires of my heart, and that was to be in relationship with Him. I watched Him weave a network of support where I received encouragement and challenge through Scriptures, personal revelation and people whom he brought into my life to show me how to have relationship with Him. With my growing awareness of the restored gospel I felt the confirmation by the Holy Spirit that what I was hearing was true…I could not deny it.

It was through Elder Oaks article on "Same Sex Attraction" that God revealed to me the sacrifice that I had to make. If I wanted relationship with Him, I had to leave my relationship with the woman I loved. I could not have relationship with Him and stay in my gay lifestyle.
I could relate to Lamoni's father in Alma 22:18: "O God, Aaron hath told me that there is a God; and if there is a God, and if thou art God, wilt thou make thyself known unto me, and I will give away all my sins to know thee, and that I may be raised from the dead, and be saved at the last day."

Along with the revelations I’d been given, and with any commandment he gives us, he does not leave us without hope. I clung to the promise in 1 Nephi 3:7: "I will go and do the things which the Lord has commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandment unto the children of man, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them."

I left my relationship October 21, 2004 and the grief I felt was utterly devastating; I thought I would literally die. I didn't think that I could survive that type of sacrifice. I felt like Abraham with his willingness and preparation to sacrifice Isaac, but for me there was no ram in the thicket. I felt alone and isolated; my heart was broken. I didn't know how I could go on. So I took God at his promise that he would never leave me and that He would be my comfort. I trusted that He would prepare a way for me to walk this new path. At times I cried out to Him, Abba, daddy…and I would cry as I felt His love for me.

Letting go of my past lifestyle of nearly 20 years is a grief process… I can tell you that Father has been faithful in helping walk through this journey. I have felt his presence through every step of this process. And his grace is sufficient for me. I wish I could tell you that the pain is totally removed and that I am healed from all SSA issues…I cannot say that. I still see myself as same-sex attracted; I do not see myself as heterosexual and I don’t know if that will ever change...and that’s okay. I don’t know that I will ever marry in this lifetime, and that’s okay as well. Yes, I still have SSA feelings and I'm learning to live with those… without acting on them. And according to the General Authority this is the distinction in maintaining our standing with God and the church. This is what it means to live righteously.

I know there are ways to work through those attractions that we might experience. I know there is help and support. In Nashville I have the support of Exodus. I also have the support of many of you in this room through two on-line support groups: Lighthouse and Voicings. It’s been incredibly helpful to go online and share my struggles and have others hear my voice and not only offer me support, and encouragement but challenge as well. I am indebted to Evergreen that I can call and get support and connection that I so desperately need. I am forever indebted to many of you in this room. The connections I have with you have helped me to be able to stand here today. I know there is hope, I have experienced it, continue to experience and I extend that hope to you today.

In the preexistence I believe we had some awareness of the trials we would face in this earthly existence and yet we agreed to come. I know that in order to be in relationship with God, for him to be our God and for us to be his people, we have to obey his commandments and honor our covenants. I also know that he has prepared a way for us to live such a life. A life where we can have healthy relationships that are fulfilling and satisfying. I believe, and attempt to live my life is such a way, that I testify to you that no matter how great our sacrifice, our testimony is worth it. It's not easy, but I believe that it is worth it and I say this in the name of our Savior, Jesus Christ whose atonement makes this all possible.

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