Testimony of Brad Anderson

Presented at the 1994 Evergreen International Annual Conference

The best times that I can remember were when I was four years old. It was the summer of 1959, and I was growing up in a small town in Upper Michigan. I remember warm summer days of fun and happiness, the eager anticipation of beginning school.

After I started school I found that my anticipation was only answered by rejection and ridicule. The coming years brought jeers of "sissy, fag, queer." I inverted my energies to self preservation. I journeyed through grade school and junior high with the girls, which only solidified the jeers I endured.

In a 1968 eighth grade sex education class, I heard how some boys would look up to an older man or a peer as a role model and that this was not to be confused with homosexual tendencies, that it would pass. For myself, I knew it wouldn't pass. I knew that my attraction for other males was so intense that this was not something that would pass. At that young tender age, I knelt by my bedside and cried, begging God that what was happening to me wasn't really happening. I cried and begged, "Please God, don't let me grow up gay!"

In the ninth grade my friend Valarie joined the Mormon Church. During the summer between my ninth and tenth grade years I went away to work in the kitchen of a YM-YWCA camp. Valarie sent me a copy of the Book of Mormon. I read and prayed and unknown to me, received my testimony at that time. I returned home and attended Church meetings and a Fireside. The Church was much different than the Catholic upbringing I had had. Things did not work out for me to continue attending Church and I soon headed in a far different direction.

At school I began to hang around with a new group. We were considered the hippies of the early 70's - a group which didn't quite fit in with those at school. By age sixteen, I had become involved in the gay lifestyle, had run away from home and spent the next year and a half bouncing through foster homes. In 1973 at age seventeen, having graduated from high school, I moved out on my own.

During that summer I had a longing to hitch-hike to California to "find myself." During that trip the process of finding myself again appeared. A Latter-day Saint couple attending BYU picked me up south of the Tetons and, by the time we reached Salt Lake City, invited me to stay at their house in Provo. I ended up spending a week with them. The Savior whispered, "Come Follow Me."

I returned to Michigan and began attending college and it wasn't long after my arrival that Elder Lewis and Elder Ervine showed up at my door through a Temple Square referral. I wanted to join the Church, but how could I be both gay and a Mormon. I spoke to the Branch President before baptism and shared with him my concerns. He counseled me to go ahead and be baptized, that there was help available to me, and he would locate it. I was baptized on December 10, 1973 and within six months was inactive and back living the lifestyle believing that there was no help for me. I also at this time, quit school.

I became active in Church again in 1974. I began counseling to deal with my homosexual desires and tried to make headway in overcoming this condition. I did all I could to prepare myself to serve a mission. This was during the time when President Kimball had issued the great call for young men to serve a mission. I wanted so badly to be like the other guys. I wanted to serve a mission and bring people to the Savior. After much preparation, and an interview with an Apostle, in the Spring of 1976, I was given permission to serve. What a joyous opportunity had been laid before me.

What I didn't realize was that the jeering would begin again as early as my first weeks in the Missionary Training Center. My world came crashing down around me - how could I be in Zion and endure such rejection? I thought it would be better to cease to exist -to just never have been. I struggled through the two years and returned home disillusioned, angry, frustrated, and experiencing homosexual desires as intense as before joining the Church, despite six years of counseling. "Why had God abandoned me?" was my only thought - "why?"

In September of 1979, I separated myself from the Church and I plunged into the gay lifestyle. Throughout this time, the Holy Spirit continually prompted me with the feeling of knowing where I should be -- back with Saints. But how, how would it ever happen? I was so entangled in the gay lifestyle that my only reply was - "OK, then you'll have to do it for me."

The summer of 1987 brought a foreboding spirit. I began to feel as though I would not live to see Christmas. I was scared, and in August of that year, I went to the Catholic Church, where I had served as an Alter Boy, and kneeling, I pled for my life. On Saturday, December 12, 1987, I was assaulted on the street and, unknown to me, developed a blood clot on the brain. that night at home, I fell asleep and was unaware of the trauma that was occurring. The next day I was discovered unconscious, my pulse at 35, and was taken to the hospital. My mom, who had been called and rushed over, said that she didn't think I would make it to the hospital. After surgery, the Doctor told my family of the 1% chance I had to live through the night, and that if I did live, I would never walk nor talk again -- the damage from the blood clot on my brain for fifteen hours was too extensive.

I awoke on Monday afternoon unable to talk, unable to function, unable to take care of myself. My parents moved in with me and assisted in many trips to the hospital for therapy during the ensuing years. During that time all of my entanglements in the gay lifestyle became unraveled and I went on, trying to put my life back together. I knew that God had spared my life.

I came in contact with another member of my ward who was also suffering from homosexual desires. We talked about our feelings. One day we read about a conference that had been held in Utah by a group of Mormons who were overcoming same-sex attraction. The Spirit moved upon me in such a way that I knew this was something I had to investigate, I had to press forward. It was 1991 -- Twenty-three years since that 13 year old boy had knelt by his bedside and pled to God for help.

Finally, I was able to make contact with Evergreen and after months of phone calls, in February of 1992, the Evergreen Midwest Chapter was started with two participants and a facilitator. We met on Sunday night at 8:00 and for many, many months, waited alone knowing that if we would only press forward, this Chapter would work.

The group, which meets every Sunday night is here at the conference. We have been able to bring all of our current members along with family and friends. We are thankful to have been able to travel to this conference and to enjoy the Spirit which is present in this movement. Ten of us have traveled here, 7 participants and 3 Family and Friends.

I was asked to testify about my experience with Evergreen. After waiting so many years, I cannot tell you what it is like to finally be progressing! I am coming out of my shell! I have found that there really is a good person underneath all of the years of jeering and rejection -- and Evergreen has provided the way for me to discover myself. It is taking time to repair the many years of damage that were inflicted upon my being -- but what a relief to finally be able to feel at ease with myself, to no longer have to footnote all of my accomplishments with "But you're still a fag." It is especially fulfilling for me to see the men in our Chapter grow, gain self acceptance, and to progress towards the men we are underneath all of the garbage heaped upon us for so many years.

The world has a different voice than the one Evergreen puts forth. As Captain Moroni, held aloft the Title of Liberty which read, "In memory of our God, our religion, and freedom, and our peace, our wives, and our children." Might we continue to hold this title of liberty as a testimony to the world of what God can do through Grace as we Work through the Evergreen program. This is the combination of Grace and Works, and participants must work the program.

I am thankful that I no longer need to look at the best days of my life being 1959 when I was four -- I can now look to today! I am within two credit hours of completing my Bachelor's degree, and this fall start work on my Master's degree in Guidance and Counseling. I am employed by the University. As a High Priest, I serve as the Second Counselor in the Bishopric of my ward, and this morning, attended the temple. I know that, with God, I will one day find my Eve and as my Patriarchal Blessing promises, "We bless you to know that you and the bride that the Lord will prepare for you will work your lives together in the spirit of harmony and love."

I testify that as God has helped me to this point, He will do the same for you. My thanks and sincere appreciation to those in Evergreen and other like organizations, who have gone before and who help to make this promise a reality.
 

Testimony of Brad Anderson given at the 1995 Evergreen International Annual Conference

I would like to share with you, how support and therapy have assisted me in developing a pathway out of same-sex attraction. In the summer of 1991 I called Evergreen seeking information. In May of 1992 I attended my first conference. That was a little over three years ago, at the age of thirty- six, after a life-long search, hoping to find an answer to many prayers, tears and frustrations. I have not been disappointed. The scriptures tell us, "Ask, and it shall be given you, seek, and yea shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you." (Matthew 7:7) I believe that many gathered here tonight have been led by the Spirit to this Conference to continue the development of their own pathway out of same-sex attraction.

For me, the pathway out of same-sex attraction has been filled with many ups and downs. At times I have felt like I was making substantial progress and at other times I felt as though I was dying on the plateau of progression. Two years ago I heard Joe Dallas tell the listening audience, "If you are on a plateau, you will remain there until you are so tired of being there, it will motivate you to continue - no matter how difficult the next step will be." I have listened to some say that reparative therapy didn't work for them and others who have testified of healing. At times I was afraid that my desire to change clouded my ability to see clearly whether or not reparative therapy was working for me. And yet I pressed forward. I had felt the guiding hand of the Spirit prompting me to continue on this pathway.

One of the first steps, was to understand the concepts behind reparative therapy. The literature told me that my development as a child had been sidetracked. This resulted in a deficit. A detachment from gender identity and masculinity had occurred. I was to also learn, that my ambivalence to repair this detachment was a choice I had made, either consciously or subconsciously. As I developed through childhood, detachment estranged me from the male world and sexualization occurred in my longing for oneness with other males. Reparative therapy told me that "repairing" this detachment would cause the sexualization of feelings and needs, to diminish. A large portion of this repair was to develop appropriate male friendships, one of which was with my father.

Having grown up in the "world of women" the only male friendships I had experienced were with others struggling with same-sex attraction. An occasional heterosexual male would enter my life and our paths would cross but never had I developed a an appropriate male relationship with any of them. I always struggled with the sexualization of thoughts, and feelings of idolization. I could never "measure up", as these men, in my mind, were so much more than myself. The challenge in reparative therapy, of becoming "one of the guys", was beyond comprehension. I did not know what to do to accomplish this task. What I didn't realize was that this opportunity was always present in the form of the Priesthood Quorum. I did not need to look for opportunities, but rather, I only needed to see what was already available. I had never fit into the Quorum. I was present in "body only", my spirit hurting, thus facilitating the continued detachment from the male world.

What I also didn't realize was that Heavenly Father was helping me through this situation. He had been helping me for many years but I had been reluctant to accept his help. My reluctance came as a result of the detachment, a refusal of doing things any way, other than my way. As I stepped forward, with a leap of faith, Heavenly Father was there to lead and guide me through this process of establishing appropriate male relationships. In 1990 I had been called as the Ward Clerk. This set the stage for me to be called in May of 1993 as a Counselor to the Bishop. I was astonished and amazed that this call would be extended to me. The Stake President, when issuing the call, and hearing me voice my doubts about serving in this capacity because I dealt with SSA responded, "Here are things in your life that you are dealing with. Here are things you can do in service for the Church. One shouldn't stop you from being able to do the other." Hindsight tells me that actually, the calling was a catalyst for being able to deal with the SSA condition. When I was sustained, I feared that the very walls of the Chapel would shake. At the least, I waited for an audible gasp from the congregation. None of this happened and I was invited to sit with the brethren on the stand. In this congregation, were those who had watched me struggle for years, both in and out of the Church as a result of same-sex attraction. Yet, they sustained me to be in a position to serve.

Serving in the Bishopric has been one of the greatest blessings of my life. As I have worked with the brethren I have gained friendships and confidence that I never thought were possible for me to experience. My Bishop has expressed to me, "I hope someday, that you will be able to love yourself as much as the people around you love you." The love of the Ward members has been a sustaining hand in my love of self. The old walls of doubt and fear have crumbled around me and I am finally, finally, able to "love thy neighbor as thyself." Something I was never able to do from behind the damaging detachment of same-sex attraction. You may be saying in your mind, "But I could never get that far, or be called to that work." My response is "With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible." (Matthew 19:26)

The steps people go through in reparative therapy, although similar in outline, are individually accomplished by the one. The road to recovery is filled with many experiences which test the endurance of the one. Although it is the determination of the one that causes the repair to occur, the one is never alone. Heavenly Father is at our side cheering us on. He is extending to us Nephi's declaration, "I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he hath commanded." (1 Nephi 3:7) If we give up short of our goal, the declaration then becomes, "But reparative therapy didn't work for me."

As my self-confidence increases, and my relationship with my father and other men improves, SSA continues to diminish in strength. I now find myself less and less attracted to men, they, now being the familiar. A curious interest in women is developing. It is a new phenomenon in my life, strange and interesting to experience, as I continue to step forward with faith as my guide. Women are now the unfamiliar and attraction occurs to that which we are unfamiliar. As the seclusive walls of SSA continue to crumble, a solid foundation of wholeness surfaces. A foundation which exists in all of us but has been covered by an edifice built by the sidetracking of development. As I tear down this false edifice and build a new one on this foundation, it is filled with openness and light.

The promises in my Patriarchal Blessing of being a father, and a husband, are closer to being fulfilled at this time in my life, than at any other time heretofore. At one point I thought that marriage would happen out of an obligation to be obedient. Now I see marriage as the complementary half which has been missing all my life. I think of who she is. I think of her sweet spirit, searching for me as I search for her. I think of the happy times we will spend together. I think of the possibilities that will open up before us as we combine our spirits in Gospel centered activities. I feel the strength of my love for her, wrapped in my arms, safe and secure in my fidelity to her. Words fall short of describing the wholeness which wells up from within when healing occurs. I refer to this as "confidence." A feeling of strength and wholeness to surpass all earthly descriptions. I believe it is the "confidence" spoken of in the Doctrine & Covenants that will "wax strong in the presence of God; and the doctrine of the priesthood shall distill upon thy soul as the dews from heaven." (Doctrine &Covenants 121:45) Reparative therapy didn't happen like a flood, drowning me in the process. It has taken place like a morning dew, enough to provide what was needed at the time. Line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little, there a little.

At one point in life, all of this was just someone else's dream. It was nice to believe that somehow, someday marriage would take place - out of an obligation to fulfill His will. Never, did I ever think, that the desire to search for "Eve" would be surfacing from within me. I spent many years searching for and living with men, unknown at the time, that true fulfillment would someday happen as a result of finding my "Eve."

For those of you, who, in your mind-set, still long for a man to bring you fulfillment, these desires can be changed. Through appropriately fulfilling your homoemotional needs, working through the steps of reparative therapy, the intensity of your desire for men will diminish and the desires for fulfillment with your "Eve" will be realized. If you have already found "Eve" and still struggle with your desire for a man, may you find the avenues of reparative therapy which will help you to fulfill your needs, appropriately. In doing so, may you then give to your "Eve" the emotional fulfillment, for which she has been patiently waiting, since the two of you first met.

The bottom line is that healing comes as a result of the Redeemer. It is my testimony, that thousands, possibly millions of our prayers, reached Heaven. God, in all his kindness, love and mercy has provided a way, for those who are willing, to progress out of same-sex attraction. After twenty-two years, from the age of fourteen to thirty-six, my prayers were answered when the phone rang and on the other end of the line T. J. said, "Hi, I'm returning your call to Evergreen. How can I help you?" I thank Heavenly Father and our Savior for allowing my path to intersect and now run parallel with Evergreen. I thank our Heavenly Friends for allowing our paths to cross on this night. May we experience the strength, encouragement and deliverance out of same-sex attraction, which has been offered to us, an answer to our prayers, through the concepts offered via Evergreen International.

Who am I? Not much different than you. He has brought me out of a world of grief and pain into His marvelous light. He will do the same for you. Please allow Him to do for you what He has done for many who have cleared the pathway before us. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.