From One Who Knows

by Brett

Given at the 2003 Evergreen conference

My story is not that different than most strugglers. The names may be different, the places may not be that same, but the underlying emotional conflicts are the same. I have struggled with same-sex feelings since childhood. I cannot remember a time when I didn’t have these feelings. Growing up in a secluded, extremely LDS environment in southeastern Idaho, I also felt that these feelings were not to be discussed, but dealt with on my own. My family lived the perfect “LDS façade.” My parents were both highly respected in the community and the Church. My siblings all served missions and were married in the temple. We were indeed “perfect.” No one knew of my inward struggle. There was nobody I felt that I could talk to. When I talked to church leaders about the ways I physically acted out, their advice was simply “don’t do it anymore.”

I served a full-time mission for the Church, and was married in the temple, just like I was expected to. During all this time, I continued to act out on my attractions. This life continued for several years until I was caught in my dual lifestyles. Within 48 hours, I was excommunicated and told that it would be best if I left town and didn’t come back. My wife separated from me for a time and then decided to try and work things out.

I went through the repentance process much as I had everything else in my life—doing what others expected me to do. Within two years, I was re-baptized and received back my priesthood blessings. During this time, the facade continued that I was perfect, and so was my family.

After my blessings were restored, I found it very easy to slip back into old habits. It was not long before I found myself acting out again. After some time, my wife discovered my still present addiction to Internet pornography, and that I was acting out. This time, she left and did not come back.

As I met with my bishop and stake president, I found that their attitudes were completely opposite from those that I had been exposed to during my first Church court. Their loving attitude made it possible to go through the second Church court with a much more positive outlook. They helped instill within me the hope that I didn’t have to live a gay lifestyle. They made it possible for me to understand how much my Father in Heaven loved me and cared for me. They were instrumental in bringing me to the Evergreen organization.

Since that time, almost four years has passed. Although I have not yet been re-baptized, and still struggle with SSA issues, I have gained a greater knowledge of the healing power of the Savior in my life. I am filled with the hope that one day my struggle with SSA will be mastered. I am grateful to a loving Father in Heaven who has allowed me to struggle with SSA. Through this struggle, I have come to rely on His power, grace, and love. I have come to appreciate my physical body with all of its imperfections. I have come to the realization that family is the most important institution on this earth. My family has struggled with me through the changing process. They all know my struggles and they do all they know how to support and love me. We have indeed been able to knock down many of the facades we lived behind.

I am blessed with a new wife who knows the intensity of my struggles. She has been by my side, and is determined to help me through, no matter the sacrifices, no matter the time frame. I am blessed with brothers and sisters who, although their understanding of SSA may be limited, have been with me through my struggles. I am blessed with a mother who prays for me daily that my SSA struggles will be conquered. I am blessed with a father who has passed through the veil into immortality, and can now be by my side each day of my life. I am blessed with five beautiful children who have shown me what true Christ-like love is, and who have been patient in their trial brought about because of my SSA issues.

I am so grateful to the Evergreen organization. Evergreen has helped me come to the knowledge of who I am, and why I was given SSA as my life’s struggle through the Evergreen organization, I have come to an understanding that I am not alone in my struggle. There are resources and people available that can help me master by SSA issues. The that I meet through the organization are truly the elect of our Father in Heaven. How much he must love us to allow us to struggle. How much he must love those who struggle with us.

My testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ continues to grow and evolve. I know my Father in Heaven lives and loves me. I know my Savior lives and has suffered that I might not suffer. I know that my struggle with SSA is the struggle I agreed to take upon myself before coming to this earth. I know that God did not create me a gay man. He gave me weaknesses that I might come unto Him and be saved. He has instilled within me the qualities of faith and hope. He has truly shown me what it means to give and receive Christ-like love.

Return to the Testimonies page.