Why Am I Attracted to Men?

By Jason Park

Many factors contribute to the development of homosexual attractions. Dr. Elizabeth Moberly, author of Homosexuality: A New Christian Ethic, explained, "[M]any things are capable of causing the disruption in attachment that underlies the homosexual condition. It is not a question of one particular cause leading of necessity to one particular effect."¹ It is difficult to develop theories about the origins of homosexual attractions because no single theory fits every situation. Although there are some commonalities among people, there are no constants. Factors are different from person to person, or at least individual reactions to the same factors vary. Humans are complex beings and our behaviors are the result of many complex interactions.²

The American Psychological Association answers the question "What causes a person to have a particular sexual orientation?" in this way: "There is no consensus among scientists about the exact reasons that an individual develops a heterosexual, bisexual, gay, or lesbian orientation. Although much research has examined the possible genetic, hormonal, developmental, social, and cultural influences on sexual orientation, no findings have emerged that permit scientists to conclude that sexual orientation is determined by any particular factor or factors." 

This section discusses how personality, biological inheritance, and developmental experiences influence you. As you read, keep an open mind and consider how each concept may apply to you.

Before you were born, you existed as a spirit, and before that as a unique intelligence (see Abraham 3:21–23). Your personality was not created at physical birth, but has been developing long before that. It is no wonder that every person has different likes, desires, dreams, and moods. We see ourselves and the world in different ways and each of us hopes for something a little different from life. One child may be content with the affection he receives from his parents, while his sibling who receives the same attention feels a deficit and requires more. Some children seem content to play by themselves, while others who have many friends seem to need even more.

Many men with homosexual attractions have a heightened sense of emotional sensitivity which can make them vulnerable to emotional hurt when their high expectations are not met. Since we all have different needs and perspectives on life, it is easy to see why two people in the same situation will react differently. For one person, a negative situation may be manageable, while for another it is a devastating crisis.

Biology

Beyond such predispositions, some scientists have searched for a direct genetic cause of same-sex attraction—a gene or chromosome that actually determines sexual orientation.⁵ Some studies hint at a biological component, but have not proven that same-sex attraction is an inborn or biologically-determined characteristic. If you read the reports published by the researchers, you find that they admit their current findings are not conclusive and simply hint at what some of the causes may be. Furthermore, these studies have not been able to be replicated. Sadly, some news reports have misrepresented or sensationalized the facts, leading some people to the mistaken notion that homosexuality is a genetic trait. Most scientists today give genetic theories little credibility.⁶ The Gay and Lesbian Medical Association recommends that people not use the argument that homosexuality is biological because there is simply not enough evidence. Drs. Neil & Briar Whitehead state, "No genetically determined human behavior has yet been found.”⁴⁸ Most researchers and scientists believe there is no single cause, and that the factors may be different for different people.

Biology may play some small role in influencing behavior or feelings. Some people seem susceptible to particular actions and may be drawn toward them or become addicted to them more easily than other people.³ One person may be able to dabble with gambling, while another becomes a compulsive gambler. Some may drink only socially, while others have an unusual attraction to alcohol. Studies indicate that genetics may be a factor in susceptibilities to some behavior-related disorders, such as aggression, obesity, or alcoholism. Likewise, there are theories that claim biological predispositions influence the development of homosexual attractions when other life experiences are also present.⁴

Beyond such predispositions, some scientists search for more direct genetic causes—a gene or chromosome that actually determines sexual orientation.⁵ None of these studies has shown any direct genetic cause of homosexuality.

Regardless of the role that genetics play in the development of sexual attractions, such attractions are changeable and treatable. In analogy, although the City of Hope National Medical Center researchers found a certain gene present in 77% of the alcoholic patients they studied, we have not abandoned treatment for alcoholism.⁴⁹ Many former alcoholics have changed their behavior and lead productive lives. You have control over your destiny. You have moral agency and can determine the course of your life. Regardless of any biological thread, thousands of people who struggle with same-sex attractions have made changes in their lives for the better.

Summaries of the more significant research in these biological areas is described below:

Drs. Michael Bailey and Richard Pillard studied identical and fraternal twins.⁷ They identified homosexual males who had identical twin brothers and found that 52% of the brothers were also homosexual. Among fraternal twins, they found the ratio to be 22%. They concluded that since identical twins had a higher incidence of mutual homosexuality than fraternal twins, there must be a genetic component in the development of homosexuality.

However, if genetics caused the homosexuality, the correlation between the identical twins (who have exactly the same genes) should have been much higher—even 100%. Since all the twins in this study were raised together, it is impossible to determine whether genetics or the same family environment contributed to the brothers’ homosexuality. If the genes are identical and the brothers are raised in the same family environment, a correlation of only 52% in identical twins shows that other factors are involved.

Many question the validity of the twins study. The researchers commented that since their subjects were not selected by random sampling, they may have collected a biased sample with skewed results.⁸ Another twin study was conducted a year later, which showed a correlation of only 25%.⁹

Brain studies

In 1991, Dr. Simon LeVay, a neurobiologist at the Salk Institute in La Jolla, California, reported his findings from studying the brain structures of forty-one cadavers.¹⁰ He concluded that an area of the hypothalamus (the INAH3) was smaller in homosexual men than in heterosexual men. (It was also found to be smaller in women than in heterosexual men.) However, these findings do not show any direct link between the hypothalamus and sexual orientation and, furthermore, are dubious at best because of the following reasons:

	It has not been determined that the INAH3 is involved in thedevelopment of sexual orientation.11
	The sample size of this study was small (only forty-one). Furthermore, Dr. LeVay did not know the sexual histories of the cadavers he studied. Nineteen men apparently were homosexual and he assumed that the other sixteen men and six women were heterosexual.12
	There were many inconsistencies in the findings. Three of the allegedly heterosexual men had a smaller INAH3 than the mean size for the "homosexual" men and three of the "homosexual" men had a larger INAH3 than the mean size for "heterosexual" men.14
	Many neuroscientists charge that LeVay deviated from protocol when he measured volume rather than the number of neurons in the INAH3. This is critical, since the area LeVay measured is very small (about the size of a snowflake).
	Dr. LeVay himself cautions that the results of his study "do not allow one to decide if the size of INAH3 in an individual is the cause or consequence of that individual’s sexual orientation."15

Anne Fausto-Sterling, a professor of medical science at Brown University, said, "My freshman biology students know enough to sink this study."¹⁶

Chromosome studies

In 1993, Dr. Dean Hamer announced that he had found a correlation between DNA markers on the X chromosome (region Xq28) and sexual orientation in a selected group of homosexual men and their relatives over age eighteen. In other words, "it appears that Xq28 contains a gene that contributes to homosexual orientation in males."¹⁷ In his book, Dr. Hamer stated, "We can make only educated guesses about the importance of Xq28 in the population at large." He concludes that "Xq28 plays some role in about 5 to 30 percent of gay men. The broad range of these estimates is proof that much more work remains to be done."¹⁸ Scientists have since questioned the validity of these findings and what they purport to show.¹⁹ Dr. Hammer has been charged with research improprieties and is under investigation by the federal government for improperly excluding from his study men whose genetic makeup contradicted his findings.²⁰ A later study by the University of Western Ontario "found no consistent pattern of DNA similarity on the X chromosome."²¹

Hormone studies

Studies have shown that in some cases the mothers of homosexual males suffered a high degree of stress during their pregnancy. Since stress affects hormonal levels, some researchers suggest that decreased levels of testosterone could lead to a demasculinization of the developing brain. However, multiple studies over the years have not been able to substantiate the theory, and the available evidence is to the contrary. Ehrhardt and Meyer-Bahlburg wrote, "In the majority of intersex patients with known hormone abnormalities, the sexual orientation follows the sex of rearing. Consequently, we have to assume that prenatal hormone conditions by themselves do not rigidly determine sexual orientation."²² Dr. John Money also states there is no evidence that prenatal hormonalization alone determines sexual orientation.²³

Experiments have been conducted wherein testosterone was given to homosexual males, both those who were effeminate and those who were not. "When there were any behavioral changes at all, the subjects became more like themselves than ever. Their sex drives were usually increased and sometimes their effeminate mannerisms as well (when they had any), but there were never any directional changes in their sexual interests. From these experiments . . . it has become abundantly clear that the sex hormones play a considerable role in powering human sexuality, but they do not control the direction of it."²⁴

Drs. Byne and Parsons of the Department of Psychiatry at Columbia University reviewed the biologic theories of human sexual orientation in 1993 and concluded, "[T]here is no evidence at present to substantiate a biologic theory."²⁵ No study suggests that a simple cause–effect relationship exists.²⁶ And Dr. Earl Wilson wrote, "the disputed evidence for physical causes of male homosexuality is even weaker when it comes to lesbianism."²⁷

Regardless of the role that genetics play in the development of sexual attractions, such attractions are changeable and treatable. In analogy, although the City of Hope National Medical Center researchers found a certain gene present in 77% of the alcoholic patients they studied, we have not abandoned treatment for alcoholism.²⁸ Many former alcoholics have changed their behavior and lead productive lives. You have control over your destiny. As a child of God, you have moral agency and can determine the course of your life. Regardless of any biological thread, thousands of men who struggle with homosexual attractions have made changes in their lives for the better.

Professionals agree that environment influences a child in significant ways. Your family, friends, society, and experiences influence how you feel, how you view life, and how you act. Dr. William Consiglio refers to this myriad of social and psychological factors as a "conspiracy of factors," meaning that many factors "conspired" or came together in the right amounts at the right time to divert sexual desires in you as a developing boy toward other boys.²⁹ Some of these factors include your relationship with your family and peers, your ability to identify with masculinity, the degree to which your emotional needs are fulfilled, your feelings of self-worth, and early sexual experiences.

Relationship with father

When I first tried to understand how my homosexual attractions had developed, I didn’t think my family was dysfunctional. We loved each other and my father did not beat us. We lived in peace and love and were active in the Church. However, I later came to realize that these good things did not guarantee that all my emotional needs would be met.

It is important that a boy have a healthy emotional relationship with his father or with another significant male. (This is much more than Sigmund Freud’s theory that a homosexual male child is the product of a strong mother and a passive, indifferent, or hostile father.) The boy needs to feel love from his father and needs to identify with him. It is through this male bonding that a child develops a sense of himself as an individual and as a male. If this relationship was not functional for you, the needs that would normally be met through it may remain unmet.

This bonding may not have occurred if your father was physically or emotionally uninvolved in your life as a child, or the bond may have been broken if he was punishing or authoritarian. Since this can be very painful, you may not have wanted to reestablish the connection. Even if he tried to build a good relationship, you may have prevented it out of fear of further hurt. Dr. Elizabeth Moberly of Cambridge University refers to this as defensive detachment.³⁰ As a child, you may have defended against further trauma by blocking yourself from relating normally with your father, and in so doing, unknowingly insured that your needs for attachment with him would not be met. It may have become an approach-avoidance conflict. The drive for a renewed attachment showed your need for love from him, but the defensive detachment prevented the attachment and so the needs continued unmet.

As a child, your interpretation of this relationship was critical. Even if your father was available and loved you, if you did not perceive that love or could not connect with him, there could have been a deficit. There is a difference between being loved and feeling loved. The more sensitive and the less able to relate to your father, the greater the chance of a relationship problem. To children, parents are their source of being, and if the attachment to them is disrupted, their very being feels endangered. If you became hurt as a child, you may have become unwilling to trust and may have learned to repress the need for attachment. You may have then distanced yourself from your father and later carried it over to men in general by avoiding closeness with male peers. If this is true in your case, you became emotionally needful as a result of not having the supportive, affectionate relationships required to develop a good sense of identity. When these psychological needs remain unfulfilled, although the boy has grown to be a man, you are still essentially a child trying to fill basic emotional needs. In many respects, you may still be a dependent child who needs to be loved by his father and not yet an adult with adult emotional needs.

To learn more about the father-son relationship and defensive detachment, read Homosexuality: A New Christian Ethic by Elizabeth R. Moberly.

The relationship with your mother is also important. A mother can either reinforce and strengthen a boy’s relationship with his father or she can dominate and minimize the father’s role. A strong relationship with your mother is not a problem unless it gets in the way of a strong relationship with your father. In the triangle of relationships between the boy, mother, and father, the three sometimes become imbalanced. If the father-mother relationship was not healthy, you may have missed out on learning what a husband-wife relationship should be. Further, you may have tried to take care of the emotional needs of your mother and become a surrogate male companion to her. If this disordered mother-son relationship occurred, you would not have been able to develop a normal male image as a boy, nor would the emotional needs have been met as a son from your mother. Needless to say, you also would not have gotten your emotional needs met from the father-son relationship. If this happened, you may have become enmeshed with your mother, in part to compensate for not having the emotional support from your father.³¹

As you develop, it is important to gain a healthy sense of self as a man. In normal development, the concept of masculinity (what it means to be a man) is internalized before puberty by interaction with, and validation from, other boys and men. If you were confused about what it means to be a man or did not feel affirmed in your masculinity, you may have internalized the concept of masculinity in unhealthy ways with frustrating results. If this happened, you likely did not realize that anything abnormal was happening. As you entered puberty and sexual feelings emerged, they may have become confused with your masculine longings.

Having diminished feelings of masculinity does not mean you feel you are feminine—that is the case for only a small percentage of men. There is a considerable difference between feeling inadequate as a male and feeling feminine. Many men who have homosexual feelings are masculine in appearance and action. They simply have not affirmed within themselves their validity as a man.

Boys who exhibit less masculine behaviors and prefer feminine things have a higher chance of developing same-gender attractions during the socialization process.³² Dr. Richard Green reports that although more than half of the boys who show pronounced effeminate behavior develop homosexual problems, a substantial minority of them does not. He suggests that the boy’s behavior, along with contributing life experiences, can predispose them toward developing attractions toward the same gender. Dr. Judd Marmor wrote, "Thus, a little boy whose behavior is effeminate, who does not like competitive athletics, and who prefers music and art, may be disappointing to a macho father, who tends to reject the boy and distance himself from him. The mother may respond by overprotecting her son. Such reactions disturb the boy’s capacity to identify positively with his father and cause him to over-identify with his mother. He may ultimately then develop homosexual erotic responses which are reinforced by later experiences."³³

Defensive detachment may also express itself in the development of gender identity. The effeminacy of some men with homosexual attractions and the quasi-masculinity of some women with homosexual attractions are examples of defensive detachment from the person’s gender. They feel the need to identify with their own gender, but they reject it because they perceive it to be harsh or hurtful, and they prevent its normal development in a defensive way. In these cases, the development of their identity as male and female was likely stopped at an early stage of development.

As a boy, your need for the love and identification with other males was a normal, legitimate requirement every boy has; your needs may have been greater than average. These needs would usually be met by your father or another significant male during early childhood and later reinforced by peers, teachers, and society as a whole. If your perfectly natural needs for love, acceptance, and identification with other males were not fulfilled, you may have developed insecurities that now hold you back from legitimately fulfilling them. You may long for the companionship, love, and acceptance of male peers, but when it is offered you resist because of fear of hurt or rejection. You may then feel hurt that the opportunity for companionship and attention has passed you by. You may secretly fear that you are not worthy of companionship or attention and therefore stay where it is safe but lonely rather than venture out to interact with other men.

Many report that during childhood they felt different from their peers. You may have been a loner and didn’t play the rough games that boys commonly play. You may have had some friends, but wished for more and felt unable or unworthy of more substantial relationships that were important to you. If this describes you, your attraction to other males may be rooted in the need to identify with and be accepted by other males and feel part of a group of buddies. At a time critical for making friends, your life may have been disrupted by a medical problem or a move to a new neighborhood, or overprotective parents may have interfered with peer relationships. If you had limited contact with other boys, you may not have identified with them sufficiently in healthy ways, but anticipated rejection and expected you would not fit in. You desperately wanted acceptance and comfort from these ideal friends, but instead developed feelings of loneliness and longing.

If you felt alienated from other boys, you may have become attracted to them as an opposite. Watching from the sidelines, you admired the boys and wished you could be like them. Even as an adult, you may be attracted to men who look or dress the way you wish you did. If you are young and carefree, you may envy a professional man who is responsible and mature. And if you are the mature professional, you may wish you could be young and carefree.

This longing for a friend can be intense and may easily turn to adoration and idolization. One day in high school, I remember walking by the gym just as the track team was returning from a meet. I remember noticing one particular boy who was shirtless and sweaty, and in that brief moment, I saw my ideal of perfect masculinity. I wondered what made the difference between him and me. Although he was my age and in some of my classes, I wondered how he could be on the track team and be so manly, and I was not. I admired him for being an athlete. He was everything I wished I was. Those were the beginnings of my feelings of envy toward other men. Although it happened twenty-five years ago, I remember the incident as vividly as if it happened yesterday. Those kinds of feelings and longings can have significant impact in our lives.

"Mysterious [males] are those who possess enigmatic masculine qualities that both perplex and allure," writes Joseph Nicolosi. "Such [males] are overvalued and even idealized, for they are the embodiment of qualities that the [individual] wishes he had attained for himself."³⁴ As you entered puberty and sexual feelings emerged, this intense envy could have turned to sexual lust, and if you were not able to fill your need for love and acceptance through brotherly relating, you may have begun to seek it through sexual relating.³⁵ Homosexual behavior may be an attempt to complete your masculine identity as you try to possess valued masculine attributes through sexual intimacy with other males. It may be an effort to solve the mystery of masculinity that arises from the perception of being unlike other men. And it may also be a simple escape from your inadequacies and pain. In the heat of passion, you can momentarily believe any fantasy—that you are beautiful, masculine, loved, and accepted.³⁶

These underlying emotional needs are the same for all men whether they have homosexual problems or not. The homosexual drive is actually a drive to fulfill the emotional need to relate to and be accepted by other men. "Love among those of the same sex is right and good," explain Drs. Thomas and Ann Pritt. "Only the sexualization of the attraction is inappropriate."³⁷ This attraction to other men is a reparative drive and is actually an attempt to resolve the problem, and not the problem itself. The core problem is not homosexual, but homosocial. It is a continual attempt to remedy earlier deficits and fulfill the social and emotional needs that still exist. The fulfillment of these unmet needs for love and identification can only be solved through nonsexual relationships with other men. The attractions will persist until you are able to develop a healthy identity and relate appropriately with other men in a nonsexual way.³⁸

Low feelings of self-worth and inferiority are common breeding grounds for homosexual problems. Traumatic experiences in your life as a child could have lead to feelings of inferiority. Negative interactions with other boys could have easily damaged a vulnerable self-image and increased your sense of feeling different from other children. Feeling different creates a mind set that can have a tremendous impact on your development and on the way you see the world. These feelings may have separated you from your peers and you may have felt you were living your life from the outside looking in. Knowing that your attractions were not normal, you kept them secret and this secret not only increased your sense of aloneness, but made you feel you were of less value than other boys. Unfortunately, the feelings of isolation, inferiority, and fear of exposure are the very forces that keep the underlying issues from being resolved. Other children may have picked up on your sense of inadequacy and attacked it, causing you to withdraw further, defensively detach, and even develop a fantasy life.

You likely felt a sense of shame because your attractions were wrong, and this made you feel even more different and inferior in relation to your friends. The feelings of being different, inferior, and guilty often lead to self-belittling and self-degrading thoughts. You may have thought that you were inherently defective, not knowing that your homosexual attractions were the result of a deficit and not a defect.

If you had unresolved needs for affection or experienced social or emotional trauma, you would have been particularly vulnerable to negative experiences. Early masturbation, exposure to pornography, or childhood sexual experimentation often introduce sexual thoughts before young men are able to understand them, and they can reinforce homosexual interests. Children who have been victimized by sexual abuse or youth who have early sexual contacts can become confused and develop a gender misidentity and unusual sexual interests and values. Inappropriate sexual activity blurs the distinction between intimacy and sex. Studies show that boys who are sexually abused are four to seven times more likely to have homosexual problems and 65% of the victims say the abuse affected their sexual identity.³⁹

Many boys become aware of their same-sex attractions at an early age (sometimes before age five). The most important formative years for the development of sexual feelings and attitudes are during late infancy and before the onset of puberty, and not during puberty and adolescence. Dr. John Money explained, "The hormones of puberty activate what has already formed and is awaiting activation."⁴⁰ Your development of heterosexual interests would have proceeded instinctively if emotional maturity has not been obstructed by issues such as those just discussed. Dr. William Consiglio describes homosexuality as a disorientation from the mainstream of heterosexual development. "It is not something a person is born with; rather, it is sexual disorientation when the God-designed stream of heterosexuality is blocked. Homosexuality is not an alternative sexuality or sexual orientation, but an emotional disorientation caused by arrested or blocked emotional development in the stream of heterosexuality."⁴¹ But the good news is that the condition is correctable. When these blockages are "successfully reduced, diminished, or removed, human sexuality can resume its natural heterosexual flow toward its proper, God-designed outlet; i.e., wholesome, mature, sexual, and emotional expression in marriage with a person of the opposite sex."⁴²

Your homosexual urge is not unrealistic or rebellious. It is not a fear of, or a flight from, heterosexuality. It is actually an unconscious attempt to fill your normal emotional needs and when these needs begin to be filled, you can begin again progressing toward full heterosexual maturation.⁴³

Personality, genetics, and developmental experiences all have a place in influencing the development of homosexual attractions. Drs. Byne and Parsons at Columbia University believe it is important to "appreciate the complexities of sexual orientation and resist the urge to search for simplistic explanations, either psychosocial or biologic."⁴⁴ They emphasize that in addition to the influences of genetics or the environment, the individual plays an important role in determining his or her identity.

Dr. John Money stated, "Many wrongly assume that whatever is biological cannot be changed, and whatever mental can be. Both propositions are in error. Homosexuality is always biological and always mental, both together. It is mental because it exists in the mind. It is biological because the mind exists in the brain. The sexual brain through its extended nervous system communicates back and forth with the sex organs."⁴⁵

Our character is the net result of our choices and life experience. An article in Harvest News stated, "Some of us are shy, some anxious, some have problems with anger or chemical dependence, some of us fear commitment. Did we ‘choose’ any of these things? Actually, all of our adult personality is the result of a complex interplay of heredity and family environment with thousands of small personal decisions dating back as far as we can remember. The results are deeply entrenched ways of feeling, thinking, acting."⁴⁶ Although you may have had no control over the emergence of homosexual attractions, you can choose how to respond to them.

Elder Dallin H. Oaks has said that "some kinds of feelings seem to be inborn. Others are traceable to mortal experiences. Still other feelings seem to be acquired from a complex interaction of ‘nature and nurture.’ All of us have some feelings we did not choose, but the gospel of Jesus Christ teaches us that we still have the power to resist and reform our feelings (as needed) and to assure that they do not lead us to entertain inappropriate thoughts or to engage in sinful behavior."⁴⁷

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