Darren's testimonyGiven at the 2003 Evergreen conference |
My story is probably not so different from many of yours. Well, at least not the part about my growing up years. I had good parents. Really good parents. Parents who loved me and did the very best they could to raise me, teach me, and provide me with all the comforts of life and then some. At a very young age, however, I began to notice that I was different from other boys my age. I didn’t enjoy all of the rough housing and wrestling they were involved in, nor did I want to play sports or get dirty playing army in the backyard. I preferred to stay in the house and help my mother with whatever she was doing. My interests revolved around playing the piano and singing. I am very grateful for the talents that my mother helped me to develop. However, when I was growing up, those were the things only sissies were involved in. That, of course, helped reinforce in my mind that I was different. And different wasn’t good! I remember going into the locker room for gym class during junior high school. I can recall as though it were yesterday envying the boys who seemed to develop physically faster than I was. I also remember that I seemed more than interested in them. I was physically attracted to them as I watched them change clothes for gym class. Why was I having these feelings? I was embarrassed by them and remember feeling ashamed. I also remember hoping that I wouldn’t get caught staring at them. Well, I did get caught and the humiliation of getting caught and being called a faggot reinforced, once again, that I was different and that I didn’t fit in. As with many of you, I was the perfect son. My parents placed me on a pedestal and I could do no wrong in their eyes. I always obeyed my parents, chose good friends, and was very responsible. They trusted me. How could I destroy all of that by telling them that I was gay? Instead I kept my dirty little secret to myself. As I got older, my same-sex attraction grew. I struggled wondering why this was happening to me when I always did what was right. Carrying this burden in secret actually made me physically ill. I suffered from severe migraine headaches for about twenty years because of the stress this caused in my life. As I got older, I figured that if I continued to do what was right the Lord would lift this burden from me and I would be healed. So, at the age of 19, I was called to serve in the Canada Montreal Mission. What a great blessing that was and continues to be in my life. I recall very few times on my mission when my same-sex attraction was even an issue. Maybe I was being cured because of my obedience! I filled an honorable mission and eight months following my return I was married in the Salt Lake Temple to my MTC companion's younger sister. I was following the path the Lord wanted me to. Surely He would continue to heal me of same-sex attraction. Married life wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. When two very different people from two very different backgrounds come together, it creates some unique challenges. As difficulties arose in our marriage, I noticed that my same-sex attractions grew more intense. Never before had I acted on my same-sex attractions, but I must confess, I was allowing them to take a more active role in my mind. After about six years of trying to make my marriage better, I finally decided that if I couldn’t be happily married, then maybe I really was gay. It is amazing to me that as I began to allow homosexual thoughts to enter my mind, I was noticing gay men all over the place. That had never happened to me before. As these thoughts continued, my behavior began to change. I learned of places to cruise, and clubs that had gay nights. And so I began to venture out secretly to experience the gay lifestyle. That behavior became addicting and eventually consumed my every thought. My reckless behavior soon caught up with me, however, and in September of 1999, it was evident that I had contracted two sexually-transmitted diseases. It was time to face the music and pay the price for my actions. To compound this already painful situation, not only would my wife be informed about my deep, dark secret, but she would be told in front of our bishop, that I had been unfaithful to her with other men, and that she too, now had a sexually-transmitted disease! I can honestly tell you that there are worse things than death, for I experienced those things for the next year and a half. Never could I have imagined that such a traumatic, heart-wrenching experience would soon become the most crucial point and blessing in my life. My life and the direction it was going took a drastic turn for the better for the first time in 30 years. A Church disciplinary council followed. I was disfellowshipped and a long road of individual and couple counseling began. I was also introduced to Evergreen International – by my wife of all people. For the first time in my life, I felt as though a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. I wasn’t alone. Other people just like me understood what I had been going through. Interestingly enough, as I let my deep, dark secret out, my migranes miraculously began to disappear and my health improved. Evergreen helped give me the understanding to work through my same-sex attraction issues. A dedicated therapist also helped to give me insight into where some of these feelings had come from and how to deal with them. In addition, I found a group of friends who were a support to me and in whom I could confide. Friends who really care about me and who aren’t afraid to confront me when I try to justify some inappropriate behavior. They really do want to see me succeed! These friends know who they are – Thank You! Dealing with my same-sex attraction with my wife by my side has strengthened our relationship. It hasn’t always been an easy road. Serving as an affiliate group leader, it wasn’t uncommon for men to call me at home who needed to talk. That made her uneasy at times, but she did her best to be supportive and has tried to let go of her concerns to allow me the growth and healing that I have needed. We are expecting our third son to be born in three weeks, and I am so grateful for my wife and for the children she has helped to bring into our family. As much as I was really hoping to have a little girl this time, I believe that my Heavenly Father knew that raising sons would be important for me in my healing process. I am so grateful for the Evergreen program, and those who were willing to go out on a limb to help others at its inception. As I apply the principles I’ve learned, as I’m honest with myself and with others, as I reach out to help others as I’ve been helped, and as I place my trust in my Heavenly Father, my struggle with same-sex attraction occupies a much smaller place in my life. I don’t know if I will ever be completely free of same-sex attraction, but I know that I don’t have to go through it alone, nor do I have to fall into it’s deceitful traps, there is help and there is hope!
I’m not perfect, and at times I may stumble and fall, but as long as I keep
getting up, and keep trying, then I know my Heavenly Father will continue to
bless me along my journey. |