Ed's testimonyPresented at the 2000 Evergreen International Annual Conference Ever since my earliest recollection, I have felt that I was different. But at that very young age, I had no idea what the difference was. And now as I reflect back, with the wisdom and knowledge of today, I don’t think God meant for my being different to be a bad thing. I think society and Satan did that for me. I was sensitive and charitable. I cared about others and their happiness. I was always referred to as the “pleaser” in the family. No matter what happened to me, whether it was the physical abuse at home, or the sexual molestations out in the world, my job in life was to please and to make other people happy. I was a true victim. When the sexual abuse began, I was unaware of the long-term psychological ramifications that I was in store for. I desperately needed male approval. My father, as he was hitting me time and time again, would always end the beatings with “if you weren’t such a little faggot this wouldn’t be happening to you”. At the time I didn’t even know what the term “faggot” even meant. I simply accepted that I was one. I was molested by another individual in a position of trust, and have been haunted by that abuse for years. At the age of twenty, I left home and moved a thousand miles away from anyone I knew. I figured that living in my car in L.A. would be better than what I was facing on a day-to-day basis at home. I vowed when I left home to never have another contact with a man as long as I lived. I didn’t know why I was so attracted to them, but I knew it was wrong. At twenty-three I married in the Los Angeles Temple, and was convinced that this would do the trick. That once I had made it to the Temple, the Lord would magically erase the “me” inside, and I would be a new person. When I was around 14 years of age. 1 remember keeling in prayer in my secret hiding place in my parent’s back yard. I pleaded and begged with the Lord to take me home. I needed to feel loved, and to know some kind of peace in this life. Well he never took me home to live with him. But he did guide me to the Temple. And there in the Garden Room of the LA Temple, he spoke to me and whispered, “you’re home now son”. Life was good for a few years, but then the struggles inside began all over again. I quit going to the temple for nearly 15 years because “someone like me didn’t belong in a place like that.” I had heard that comment many times as a young boy. As we would pass by Temple Square in the family car, I remember saying that “some day I want to go in that building,” referring to the Salt Lake Temple. And my family would respond back with “they will in no way ever let someone like you. in a place like that”. And I believed them for many years. Satan took hold of my mind and convinced me that I truly didn’t belong in a place like that. My wife, who has stood by me for over twenty five years, has in some ways suffered the most. When sex became something that I just couldn’t participate in, I let her think that it was her fault. It was easier to let her think that, than to face my own turmoil inside. When my mother took her own life, I felt abandoned. I felt like the only person in my life that ever loved me un-conditionally left, and for reasons I may never know. She made me promise that I would take care of my younger brother. A brother, who was very much like myself, but who never found peace in his own life. A brother, who also took his own life just last February. I, like many of you, have lived with one trial after another, and I have often taken things personally when I didn’t need to. One day while surfing the web I stumbled upon the Evergreen website. I saw that picture of Christ hugging that man, and my flood gates opened. And I haven’t been able to close them again. And so began my slow journey and struggle with SSA. An inner conflict that I have battled with every day of my life deep down inside, but could never tell another living soul. I contacted Evergreen; was sent several books to read and encouraged to seek professional help from a qualified therapist. It has been over a year now since I began this journey, and there is no turning back. Last year when I attended my first Evergreen conference, for the first time in my life I felt hope for change. And for the first time in my life, I also felt accepted. And now, I must begin my journey to not only help myself, but I need to let others know that there is hope for them as well. I have gone back to college and am working on my Master’s in Psychology, and am about to begin a job working in a Juvenile Home for youth located in San Bernardino, California. I know where they’ve been, and I know now, that a person can get out of those environments which lead to the destruction within, and lead a good life. I realize that because of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I am where I am, and have what I have.
I wanted an end to all the turmoil inside. But since I’ve been told of
pending heart problems, and have had several tumors removed, my outlook has
changed. Now, I want to stay on this earth. I have a great need to help
those around me. I need to make a difference now. We can’t change the things
that have happened to us. But we can change the way we look at those things.
We can learn to deal with them. And we can help others less fortunate than
ourselves deal with their own lives and trials. Because of the things I have
done this year, the things I have gone through, and the people that I’ve
met. I am slowly finding a little bit of “peace.” One thing–and
probably the most important thing–I’ve learned is
that no matter how hard we try, we can’t do it alone. We desperately need
the Lord, and we need to help each other. |