Summary of Same-Sex Attraction Issues
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How many people experience same-sex
attraction? LDS Family Services estimates that there are four
or five members in every ward of the Church dealing with erotic same-sex
attraction problems. Usually, half of those individuals are married (most are
temple marriages) and have children. With this in mind, there are dozens of
parents, spouses, children, and individuals in every ward effected by this
challenge in their family. So know that you are not alone.
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What is same-sex attraction, same-gender attraction,
and homosexuality?
Evergreen uses the terms same-sex attraction and same-gender attraction
synonymously. Same-sex attraction is an
uncommonly-intense interest in others of the same sex. This interest may
include desires for their attention, friendship, intimacy, and/or a
fascination with their bodies and other gender traits. Homosexuality is a
broader term that includes same-sex attraction as well as erotic thoughts
and sexual behavior involving others of the same gender.
Click here for a primer on how to talk about
same-sex attraction. Experiences among men and women
who experience same-sex attraction may include any or all of the following: intense feelings of attraction or
longing, fantasies, excessive emotional attachment, or erotic sexual
behavior.
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What Causes It? No one chooses to have same-sex
attraction feelings. It is not a sin to have these feelings. It only
becomes a sin when the individual acts upon those feelings with homosexual
behavior. The accumulation
of research demonstrates that biology, environment, and early development
all play a role in developing same-sex attraction feelings.
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Can People Overcome Same-sex Attraction?
Yes,
this is an alterable condition. However, people must desire to move
away from it and receive appropriate help. The condition has two aspects:
feelings and behaviors. We believe homosexual behaviors are out of harmony
with God’s intentions for men and women. Those who wish to stop their
homosexual behavior can do so. The feelings associated with same-sex
attraction can be diminished.
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What Is the Process? Fasting, prayer,
and commitments
to ecclesiastical leaders are not enough to overcome
same-sex attraction. There are a full range of issues involved here and two
keys to progress. The first key lies in addressing issues such as
self-concept, interpersonal relationships, habits, spirituality, and
sexuality. They also need to let go of activities that conflict with their
goals. The second key to progress lies in addressing these issues through a
variety of resources. No single resource can address all issues. Important
resources include supportive family relationships, heterosexual friends, and
involvement with spiritual leaders, education, personal counseling, group
therapy, faith, and prayer. See the
Christ-Centered Approach diagram and the Map of the
Way Out of same-sex attraction.
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How Long Does it Take? We all wish there could be
a quick fix for homosexuality, but in reality the transition is a
demanding, long-term process. Individuals who are less
entrenched in addictive behaviors and thoughts may move through the process
in several months or a few years. Others work for many years before they
realize a substantial and consistent difference. Think of it more as a
spiral than as a straight line. Relevant issues must be visited and
revisited. Occasionally, when an issue become too difficult to face, the
person retreats for a time until he or she gains the strength to go on.
Bursts of progress, intermittent plateaus, and occasional reverses are
common.
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Why Is it So Difficult? The transition is
difficult because the person is dealing with complex issues, a tenacious
mind set, and deeply-entrenched behaviors. Related issues are alienation,
gender-role problems, abuse issues, resentment, enmeshment, low self-esteem,
guilt, depression, addiction, sexually-transmitted
diseases, marriage, family difficulties, financial problems, and spiritual
and religious dilemmas. When years of living with these issues become
habitual, individuals see themselves as different, weak, alone, unworthy,
and victimized. Seeing others as rejecting, abusive,
misunderstanding, punishing, and untrustworthy can severely disrupt
interpersonal relationships. Entrenched behaviors involve fantasies,
solitary pursuits, and activities with others that tend to be highly
addictive. Sexual abuse can deeply ingrain patterns of sexual behavior.
Individuals engaging in these behaviors often do not comprehend what they
are experiencing. They find themselves in the grip of powerful sexual
addictions that are particularly difficult to overcome.
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What Can I Do? If there are people in your life
struggling to overcome the effects of same-sex attraction, you probably wish with all your heart
to help. You may not know what to do. Here are some principles that may
help. Exercise faith through prayer. You may not know what to do, but God
does. He will intervene in specific ways such as giving them experiences
they need to progress and helping you to understand your role in their
transition. God can provide other relationships to fill the needs you cannot
fill. Love unconditionally. Man’s greatest need is acceptance and his greatest
fear is rejection. That does not mean you have to accept any sinful or wrong
behavior, but they may be wounded and broken and need to feel your
love and affection. Maintain integrity. Those dealing with homosexuality
need your example and your stability. Deal with your own feelings. Don’t let
feelings of betrayal, broken promises, frustrations, and hurts build up. You
will need trusted people, education, and perhaps professional counseling to
help you deal with your own anger, stress, and anxiety. Let go. You can’t
change them. Even when God intervenes in someone’s life, that individual
still has agency. Remember, you cannot change the past, so let go of
mistakes and concentrate on the present. Treat each day as a fresh start
toward a better future.
That's a quick summary. More information is found below.
Primers on Same-Sex Attraction
What is SSA? This section defines homosexuality, including
attractions, identity, and behavior. It then presents Latter-day Saint
doctrines concerning homosexuality, including the distinction between
homosexual thoughts and behavior, and the importance of overcoming both.
Finally, it offers correct information about same-sex attraction.
Understanding Male
Same-Sex Attraction
Understanding Female Same-sex
Attraction
Getting Started (for everyone) may
help you understand what individuals must do.
Getting Started (for women strugglers) may help you understand what women must do.
Four Principles of
Growth: Masculinity, Authenticity, Need Fulfillment, Surrender
Christ-centered Diagram
and Map of the Way Out
How to Respond When a Loved
One Tells You He/She is Attracted to the Same Sex
by Jason Park
Four
Vital Things Parents Can do to Make a Difference: Assisting our children who
are dealing with feelings of same-sex attraction
What Bishops Need to Know About Men with
SSA by Dan Flanders
My Advice to
Church Leaders by Jason Park
Advice for Parents
by Sy Rogers
Concerning
Homosexuality: Information for Ecclesiastical Leaders by David
A. Matheson, M.S.
What can we do as parents, spouses, and
friends? Good News/Bad News: Dealing with Both
in Love by Bob and Gaye
Why Gender-Affirmative
Therapy? A Latter-day Perspective
Relationships
by Jason Park. Same-sex attractions stem from relationship deficits and
one of the keys to resolving the problems is to repair existing
relationships and build new, healthy ones. The later part of this section considers key relationships
with a person's father and mother.
Overcoming Pornography
Gay Identity and the Gay
Rights Movement by Jason Park.
In addition to the personal battle raging within your
friend, there are external challenges that may add to the difficulty of
resolving his same-sex attractions. This section explains that if a person
has developed a gay identity and assimilated into a close-knit gay
community, he may find it difficult to leave it behind. The section
discusses the origins and objectives of the gay rights movement, including
its efforts to normalize homosexuality and limit the options available to
those who want to resolve their same-sex attractions.
Helping Your
Husband Battle Pornography by Dr. Dave Currie,
with Glen Hoos
This article at christianwomentoday.com gives good
advice. Note: By clicking this link, you
will leave the Evergreen Web site. To return, click your browser's Back button.
Depression & Suicide. Includes: (1) what Church leaders have said about suicide
and our response to it, (2) suicide warning signs among youth, and (3) suicide, depression, and
abandonment of the gospel can often be avoided if love and understanding
are shown.
Resources for
individuals who are trying to
diminish same-sex attraction and
resources for therapists.
How to get the message out
Additional Resources
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The Savior's Power to Save
"To parents and families throughout the
world, I testify that the Lord Jesus Christ is mighty to save. He is the
Healer, the Redeemer, the rescuing Shepherd who will leave the ninety and
nine to find the one. If we are seeking the salvation of special 'ones' in
our own families, I bear testimony that they are within His reach. We assist
Him in reaching them by faithfully living the gospel, being sealed in the
temple, and living true to the covenants we make there."
Robert D. Hales , "With All the
Feelings of a Tender Parent: A Message of Hope to Families," Ensign,
May 2004, 91
Never Give Up
Many of you have heavy hearts because a son or daughter,
husband or wife, has turned from righteousness to pursue evil. My message is
for you. Your life is filled with anguish, pain, and, at times, despair. I
will tell you how you can be comforted by the Lord. First, you must
recognize two foundation principles:
1. While there are many things you can do to help a loved one in need, there
are some things that must be done by the Lord.
2. Also, no enduring improvement can occur without righteous exercise of
agency. Do not attempt to override agency. The Lord himself would not do
that. Forced obedience yields no blessings (see D&C 58:26-33).
I will suggest seven ways you can help.
- First, love without limitations.
- Second, do not condone the
transgressions, but extend every hope and support to the transgressor.
- Third, teach truth.
- Fourth, honestly forgive as often as is required.
- Fifth, pray trustingly.
- The "fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth
much" (James 5:16).
- Sixth, keep perspective. When the
things you realistically can do to help are done, leave the
matter in the hands of the Lord and worry no more. Do not
feel guilty because you cannot do more. Do not waste your
energy on useless worry.
- In time, you will feel
impressions and know how to give further help. You will find
more peace and happiness, will not neglect others that need
you, and will be able to give greater help because of that
eternal perspective.
One last suggestion: ”Never give up on a loved one, never!
Richard G. Scott, Ensign, May 1988, 60-61
Words can have a power for good or evil
I just read about a 32-year-old guy who ended his life because of someone's
careless remark. Words can have a power for either good....or evil.
I remember when I was quite young, my dad glancing out of the window of the
car at some gay men walking on the road, and making the comment "if my kids
ever turned out that way I would take a bat and bash them!" You can't
imagine how many years that statement just ate away at my mind. It made me
feel less than a person, not good enough, different, disgusting, and so much
more, to the point of bringing me into deep bouts of depressions and causing
me to think of suicide constantly.
Words have either an influence for good or for bad, even if the message in
itself is intended for good. I believe that dad knew what the Bible says on
the topic of homosexuality, but his method of reaching out to them
definitely wasn't Christ's method. But let us not judge or act as these do,
for we never know what works God will bring about in their hearts somewhere
down the line, that will help them to finally see some light.
I recall the cold early September morning (1-2 am) I was wandering the
streets of Boston, half naked, with no shoes, no shirt, no socks, and no
place to go. I had told Russell (the guy I was engaged to) that I no longer
wanted to live the gay lifestyle, but wanted to serve God, which meant that
we would have to break up our relationship. He took it well at first, but
then got up out of bed in a frenzy that early morning and began to storm and
wail around the apartment. I had a fear in me that told me to get out of
bed, take the keys and leave for my life. So I did and headed toward the
door, until he saw me and snatched the keys from my hand and told me to
leave and that I had the devil. He slammed the door to our apartment, and
there I was, on the other side, with nowhere to go. I walked the streets
aimlessly for some time trying to sort my thoughts, but I just wanted to go
somewhere. And then my dad popped into my head. Reluctantly, I found a pay
phone and called collect, and with tears in my voice I said "Dad, I want to
come home." Dad asked "Where are you, I'll be right there!" and drove the 42
miles to get me. As soon as he saw me he brought out his jacket, put it and
his arms around me, embraced me, and and said "welcome home son".
Isn't God good! He can change lives! Just as much as we live with same-sex
attraction, and don't expect it to just vanish over night, we can't expect
others to who have to deal with prejudice to just vanish over night, or
others who have lived a life speaking unkind things, for their mouths and
hearts to clean up over night either. Let's continue to lift each other up
in prayer, and ask the Lord to help us learn to overcome sin, and to love
each other, just as Christ loves us, and to teach us to open our arms wide
and to embrace, not the sin, but, the sinner.
But as many as received him, to them gave he power to become the sons of
God, even to them that believe on his name. John 1:12
Daniel
Importance of Fathers by Elder L.
Tom Perry
"Satan, in his carefully devised plan to destroy the family, seeks to
diminish the role of fathers. Increased youth violence, youth crime, greater
poverty and economic insecurity, and the failure of increasing numbers of
children in our schools offer clear evidence of lack of a positive influence
of fathers in the homes. (See David Blankenhorn, Fatherless America:
Confronting Our Most Urgent Social Problem [1995], introduction, 25-48;
David Popenoe, Life without Father [1996], 52-78.) A family needs a father
to anchor it.
"Surely we have learned by now, from the experience over centuries, that the
basic family provides the most stable and secure foundation for society and
is fundamental to the preparation of young people for their future
responsibilities. We should have learned by now that alternate styles of
family formations have not worked and never will work."
L. Tom Perry, "Fatherhood, an Eternal
Calling," Ensign, May
2004, p. 70. |
