Understanding Female Same-sex Attraction

 © Marcin Balcerzak - FOTOLIA

The following is a general overview of issues concerning women struggling with same-sex attraction. It is not meant to infer that they apply to every individual with this problem.

While many of the developmental problems associated with SSA and homosexuality are similar in both men and women, the actual sexual dynamics are not. Their issues separate when sexual motivations and desires begin to become a part of interpersonal relationships (usually around puberty.) Expression of sexuality is determined by the basic differences in the sexual drives of men and women. Males who struggle with SSA are generally motivated and attracted by physical attributes and/or immediate excitement and physical gratification. Women, on the other hand, are usually attracted by a need to nurture or be nurtured. Women can become involved in a relationship, in which SSA becomes apparent, when she perceives an unfulfilled need in another woman, or sees another woman as someone who can fulfill her own needs for nurturing.

Since the Church is predominately concerned with inappropriate sexual relations, it is important to note that there are women who struggle with SSA who are not breaking the Lord’s  laws. They enjoy the same privileges as other Latter-day Saints. The feelings and desires are not voluntary, the behavior is. When inappropriate relations are not occurring, from the viewpoint of an outside observer (or possibly even the women themselves), these relationships are often not viewed as harmful. However, this is not true! While the relationships may start out very innocent of any ulterior motives, they can become overly dependant and emotionally enmeshed and may eventually find expression in sexual activity. However, sexual gratification is not usually the primary objective of the relationship. These women can become so enmeshed, needy, and totally interdependent, mentally, emotionally, physically, financially, and socially, that they become isolated from interactions with the world around them. And, more importantly (as far as the gospel is concerned), they may have no interest in marriage or in progressing beyond this lifestyle.

Trying to pull away from this kind of all-encompassing relationship is like going through a divorce or a death. It takes a tremendous amount of courage and determination to carry through with the desire to obey the Lord and council of priesthood authorities. Support and fellowship is essential at this point! The void felt by a woman when leaving this relationship is so strong that something must be there to replace it. She needs to feel part of the sisterhood of the church. Being involved in serving and associating with the sisters in her ward and /or stake will be a tremendous help in her recovery. Feeling the love of Christ, and sharing that love, will over-shadow the temptations to become involved in inappropriate relationships.

If a woman struggling with SSA has also suffered abuse at the hands of a man (which is the experience of approximately 80 percent of female SSA strugglers), she is already in a defensive posture when faced with the need to confess to her bishop. If she is met with indifference, rebuke, or ridicule, she may turn her back on the Church and on God (whom she views as just another powerful, controlling male who doesn’t understand or care about her.) It takes a very caring, compassionate servant of God, and guidance of the Spirit to reach this suffering daughter of God. Patience, kindness, and unconditional love will be needed to help her understand that her Church leaders care about her, and can be depended on to be there when she needs support.

 As a Church leader, it may be disheartening to see a sister go through periods of wavering, or even falling back into problems again. As with any addiction, leaving the world of SSA is a journey filled with mountains and valleys. It is important that lessons are learned along the way, which will help her HOPE alive and moving forward.

 To Heal, She Needs:

1. To know that God loves her as His precious daughter, no matter how she feels or what she has done. His desire is not to condemn her, but to heal her. Her relationship with the Savior and her understanding about the atonement are vital to her recovery.
2. Understanding that this issue concerns her eternal welfare, whether or not moral transgression has occurred.
3. Priesthood leaders who are patient and supportive, and show an interest and concern for her fears, confusion, and pain.
4. Healthy righteous relationships with women:

• Who have a firm testimony of the atonement and the gospel.
• Who are not struggling with SSA themselves.
• Who will accept her literally “with open arms” as a daughter of God and a sister in the gospel.
• With whom she can safely confide her struggles and be accountable to in the event she is tempted to behave (or has behaved) inappropriately.

5. Whenever possible to be working with a counselor (preferably female) who believes in the healing power of the atonement and will give her hope and offer therapy to help her heal from SSA.

There are large amounts of information available which explain the issues involved in SSA. It is important to learn as much as possible about them. Helpful books, audio and video tapes are available form the Evergreen bookstore. Information is also available for parents, family and friends to help them with their own struggles in dealing with this issue in their lives.

 Society is being bombarded by information that supports the “gay rights” position that individuals are born homosexual. (This misinformation may even come from some individuals within the Church.) This is Satan’s propaganda to discourage strugglers from seeking help to overcome these feelings and behaviors. Contrary to information in the popular press or what you may have been told, there have been NO legitimate scientific that prove that there is a “gay” gene.

Note: This information is available from Evergreen as a printed pamphlet.

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