How to Respond
When a Loved One Tells You He/She is Attracted to the Same Sex

By Jason Park

Kevin was seventeen when his parents found out about his homosexual attractions. He didn’t dare tell them, but they suspected it, searched his room, and found a note from a friend. His father was so angry that Kevin thought he would kill him. In fact, his father almost broke Kevin’s arm before he threw him out of the house, and in the year since that happened his parents have refused to have anything to do with him. Kevin is now left to struggle with his problems on his own without the support of his family. Although same-sex attractions are serious, the solution is not to reject your friend, but to encourage him and help him work through these difficult problems. This chapter presents suggestions on how to be supportive and helpful.

In her book Where Does a Mother Go to Resign?, Barbara Johnson talks about the agony she felt when she discovered that her son was attracted to other men: "Flashing in my mind was this wonderful son who was so bubbly and happy—such a joy to have around. Thinking of him entwined with some other male brought heaves of heavy sobbing from deep wounds of agony."¹

When your friend tells you he struggles with homosexual attractions, you may experience any of a number of reactions, including shock, tears, denial, disappointment, guilt, and quite possibly anger and hostility. You may hope that this is just a phase and that he will grow out of it. You may wonder what you did wrong or you may think he is trying to punish you in some way. Your reactions may have nothing to do with reality, but they will be based on feelings that are real.

Although you should be understanding and show Christlike love, sometimes the information is a bombshell that makes it difficult to show compassion. Be willing to state your own limitations. You may need to tell him that the information has come as a shock and that you’ll need some time to sort things out. You may have to take time to process the information and come to grips with your own feelings before you can discuss it rationally with him. You may need time to read up on the issues or talk with him further to gain a better understanding of the situation.

Remember that your friend is the same person you have always loved. Knowing more about him and the struggles he faces should not negate the joy he has been to you in the past. Be grateful you have this chance to know and love him on a more intimate level. Be grateful that he thinks enough of you to have been willing to share with you this secret, personal part of himself. And above all, be thankful he doesn’t have to deal with this dark secret alone.

Same-sex attractions are very personal and your friend will likely be embarrassed to talk about them. For him to open up to you will require that he feels a great deal of love and trust from you. People who grow up with homosexual attractions usually keep such feelings to themselves and seldom admit them to anyone—including their family. In church meetings and LDS homes, homosexuality is not discussed much, and when it is, it is usually with disgust. When we talk about homosexuality, we seldom consider the possibility that someone in the room struggles with such problems themselves. Over the years, your friend has learned that rather than admit that he is one of those repulsive people, it is better to keep it a secret. And that deep, dark secret is a tremendous burden to bear alone. Your friend can begin to solve his problems once he admits them and begins to open up and share his burdens.

When your friend admits to you that he struggles with homosexual desires, he needs to feel you accept him as a valuable person. When a friend of mine admitted his problems to his bishop, the bishop stood up from the chair next to him and moved to another chair across the room. The rejection he felt from the bishop set back his progress and it was several years before he could again approach another priesthood leader. Since part of your friend’s struggle is that he feels people dont accept him, it is important to show acceptance and love by your words and your actions.

It will be important to him to feel that you care about him in the midst of his pain. Your willingness to develop a relationship with him on a deeper level will be an important ingredient in the healing process. Although you don’t have to become an expert on the subject of homosexuality, he will appreciate any effort you make to understand his problems because it will show you care.

Remind him that you are not perfect. Explain to him that you are an imperfect human just as he is and ask him to be tolerant and understanding of your opinions and feelings just as he hopes for compassion and understanding from you about the struggles he is going through.

You don’t need to subordinate your own feelings and needs to his. Don’t be afraid to express to him how you hurt and struggle to come to terms with the situation. Create a climate where trust and disclosure are mutually shared.

Parents and wives tend to take responsibility for more than their share of the blame for the situation. Parents begin to think that they could have provided more for their sons than they did. Wives tend to feel they were at fault for perceived deficits in their own femininity. But parents and wives are not to blame for the man’s feelings. They did not cause them and cannot cure them. On the other hand, your friend is not at fault for the emergence of homosexual feelings. No one wins in the damaging game of "Who is at fault?" Rather than spend your energies trying to determine who is guilty, focus on what can be done now.

A common temptation for parents, wives, and friends is to try to rescue their loved one. But it is up to him to accept responsibility for his actions and make firm decisions if he is to resolve his problems. Although you may think you know what is best for him, what really matters is what he perceives is best for him. Encourage him, but don’t force your intentions on him because it may only alienate him from you. It will do more harm than good to drag him to therapy if he does not want it. He has to want to resolve his problems. You cannot make the decisions for him. He must make choices and experience the consequences of his actions, even though it may be difficult for you when he experiences pain and tragedy in the process. Allowing him the freedom to make choices shows that you respect him. Since God alone can give him the desire to change, believe that God can work out your friend’s situation better than anything you could come up with.

I have heard time and again the tales of men who talked with their parents or bishops about their problems and were simply told to read the scriptures, pray, and have more faith. Although these actions are certainly part of the answer, they may sound as unsympathetic as, "Just shape up and act as you know you should." Sexual identity problems can be complex and simplistic answers show a lack of understanding. The last thing they need from you is a lecture about the evils of homosexuality. They already know they shouldn’t be sexually attracted to other men; they are reaching out to you to help them figure out what they can do about it.

Before we judge others, we should look at ourselves. We are often quick to judge and condemn the actions of others, but slow to see other forms of immorality and sin in our own lives. Remember, Christ was forgiving of the women caught in adultery, but harsh in his criticism of those who thought they were without sin.

Neither you nor your friend will have all the answers or even know all the questions. Agree to learn together and recognize that it will take time. It may take years to understand and deal with all the emotions and issues.

Growing out of same-sex attractions will take an enormous amount of his time and energy and you can help him by being supportive of the many things he needs to do. While he should not neglect his family duties, he will need to spend much time reading about the subject, attending meetings, and building relationships with other men. Rather than being jealous of this time, encourage him to do the things he needs to do to become a better man, father, or husband. Help him schedule time and when he is with you make the time productive.

LDS Family Services may have an office in your area, and if not, Evergreen International (see the Organizations section in this book) can direct you to therapists that have been trained in treating people with same-sex attractions. Since homosexual attractions are a result of deep emotional deficits, they almost always require professional help to resolve. Caution your friend to use care in choosing a therapist because some can do more harm than good. (See the Therapy chapter for advice on choosing a therapist.)

Many men are tortured by their same-sex attractions that can be difficult to understand and at times seem hopeless to overcome. This despair leads many to entertain thoughts of suicide. If your friend has considered suicide, get professional help immediately. The Church’s booklet Identification and Prevention of Suicidal Behavior (item number 32253) gives good insight. You can help your friend by your continued focus on the eternal plan of salvation. When he understands his eternal nature and God’s love for him, he will realize that suicide is no solution at all. The very fact that he is disturbed by his problems marks him as a spiritually sensitive soul for whom there is great hope.

If abuse has been involved, professional help may be needed. The Church booklets Responding to Abuse: Helps for Ecclesiastical Leaders (item number 32248) and Preventing and Responding to Child Abuse (item number 33196) may also help.

In your zeal to help him, don’t ignore your own problems. You have needs yourself and must come to terms with your feelings and learn how to deal with the situation. You may find it helpful to talk with a professional counselor or join a support group. There are groups for mothers, fathers, wives, and siblings that can help you learn to understand your situation and deal with your own problems. See the chapter Support Groups for advice in choosing one that will help and not contribute to your problems. You may also wish to provide community service to an organization that helps individuals overcome their homosexual problems (see the Organizations section in this book). You may find it helpful to read books on how to deal with your own feelings and problems.

Friends and Church leaders may want to consider the man’s spouse and family since they are also affected by his problems and have needs of their own. They may need professional counseling as well.

Your friend needs to know that even if he makes mistakes, he will find safety and reassurance with you and that his burden will be lightened (not added upon) because of his relationship with you. What he needs from you is helpfulness, not condemnation; understanding, not accusation; and sympathy, not threats. The Savior said, "This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you" (John 15:12). How does the Savior love your friend? Does He love him any less because he is attracted to other men? We are to love others as He loves them. Christ is our example of true love. President Boyd K. Packer taught, "There is a difference between what one is and what one does. What one is may deserve unlimited tolerance; what one does, only a measured amount."² It can be difficult to show Christlike love when his behaviors offend you or disappoint you, but you need to stand by him. When he is at his lowest is when he needs you the most.

Loving unconditionally does not mean you accept behaviors and beliefs you disagree with; it means that you show Christlike love to the person, regardless of his behavior. You must maintain your integrity by standing up for your beliefs and standards. You do not have to excuse his lifestyle or defend his choices to others to prove your love or commitment to him. In fact, he needs your righteous example and stability. Because of the many voices he hears, he needs your strength in maintaining your standards and beliefs and being a stable influence in his life.

Unconditional love simply means that you don’t hang demands or conditions on your love. "I’ll love you as long as you don’t fantasize about men." You extend love and support regardless of his level of progress as he struggles through his challenges.

Even if you reach an impasse in resolving the situation, agree to keep communicating. You may have to say, "I don’t understand why you have made the decisions you have made, but I do love you and want to keep working at this until I understand it. I don’t want you to have to deal with this alone." If you love him, show it by listening to him and spending time with him.

This is a major disclosure for him and he will expect you to keep the information in the strictest confidence. A slip of the tongue may be considered an impropriety in other settings, but he will likely consider any breach of confidence in this area to be a major betrayal. Remember that he has disclosed his "deep, dark secret," something that is embarrassing to him and very personal. Since trust is an important aspect in your relationship, it is critical to keep all information in the strictest confidence. Respect his right to decide what information he shares with whom.

If other people find out about his attractions, they may resist his attempts to develop relationships with them. An important part of his healing will be to relate to other men and develop appropriate, close relationships with them, and this may be difficult or impossible if others know about his problems. Because people are afraid of homosexuality and have many misconceptions about it, men may shun him when what he needs most desperately is their love and acceptance. Therefore, if you enlist the help of quorum leaders or others to befriend him, be sure you do not divulge any information about the nature of his problems.

Since the same-sex attractions belong to your friend and not to you, he has the stewardship of determining who, when, and how much to tell. The decision should be made through prayer and individual inspiration, since what is best for one person may not be for another. He may not find it necessary or prudent to tell anyone beyond his family or closest friends. If many others know about his problems, it may be more difficult for them to relate to him and thus for him to grow through his problems.

He should talk with his bishop so he can have the benefit of the bishop’s counsel and guidance.

If he is married, his wife deserves to know about his struggles. They cannot be of one flesh (see Matthew 19:5) if he hides such important parts of his life from her. Wives are often in tune with their husband’s feelings before the husband ever understands them. I was married and had children before I realized I had same-sex attractions. After I saw a therapist a few times, I knew I had to tell my wife. I spent quite a bit of time preparing just how I would tell her. I picked Labor Day weekend so we would have several days to thoroughly talk things out. I explained to her that I had emotional problems I was trying to work out and that I was seeing a therapist to try to understand them. I explained my feelings of loneliness and we talked about gender identity and the need for male companionship. We talked about my difficulty in developing satisfying relationships with men. It was several hours before I ever used the "h" word and I tried to help her see it as an emotional problem and not just a sexual one. I told her I could not make it on my own. I needed to share these experiences with her. There was a lot of talking and crying, then more talking and more crying. Although it was difficult, she was supportive and committed to help me through it. I am grateful that my wife knows about these challenges in my life and that she is there to support me. After a particularly good therapy session or support group meeting, I needed to be able to share my positive feelings and successes with her. This experience has helped us grow together in ways we never did before.

The following is the experience of one wife: "My husband . . . told me about his struggles with same-sex attraction (SSA) after we had been married for one year. As he talked to me that day, I remember feeling a deep outpouring of love for him, and a profound sense of sadness that he had struggled all alone for so many years. I was impressed that he would share something so intimate and painful with me. [He], in turn, was amazed that I didn’t kick him out of my life. He told me it was his first experience with unconditional love. The thought of leaving my husband never occurred to me. He was still the same man I loved, and I felt even closer to him that day because of the way he opened up his heart to me. That day was a turning point in both our lives."³

I disclosed my struggles to my brother who has same-sex attraction himself. But since I had left home and was married before I realized that I had homosexual feelings, I chose not to tell my parents or other family members because I did not think it would be helpful or necessary to do so. Steve Andersen wrote the following about telling his parents: "On Sunday, I told my parents and what a relief it was! I never could have expected their response. Had I known they were going to be as supportive as they were, I would have told them years ago. I guess I underestimated them. They were totally shocked, which actually surprised me, because I thought they suspected it when I was growing up. I shared with them all the things I thought about myself growing up and was surprised to find out that they were just my perceptions and not necessarily how other people viewed me, particularly my parents. My dad said that he knew he was nonemotional and that he often has considered trying to change. He said if it would help me and boost my self-esteem, then he would like to try. He then came over and gave me a big hug—the first I can remember in thirty-six years—and I’m thirty-six! He even called me at work the next day, which he never does, just to tell me how sad he was and that he felt like crying, not because he was sad that I was dealing with this, but sad that I had been unhappy for so long and he never knew. What a positive experience!"

Your friend and his wife should mutually decide when—or whether—to tell their children. Scott wrote the following about his experience telling his son: "The moment we knew would come had arrived. My oldest son (almost fourteen) finally asked the question! I was working on the computer writing about my life experiences when my son came home. He wanted to use the computer and I wouldn’t give it to him, so he kept coming in and out of the room and walking over to see what I was working on, and I kept trying nonchalantly to keep him from seeing what I was typing. I was nearly finished when my hovering son finally came out and asked, ‘Dad, are you gay?’ I dodged the question, and he said, ‘You didn’t answer me.’ So I said something dumb like, ‘Why? Are you?’ He answered that he wasn’t. Then I answered, ‘Yes. I have been.’ Then I looked at him and asked, ‘Does that bother you?’ Having the basic question answered seemed to satisfy him and he just went back to asking when he could use the computer. Later that evening he was very loving. He came by several times and hugged me and told me that he loved me. I read to him for a while at bedtime and when we finished I said to him, ‘Son, it’s important for you to know that I love Mom, and that I always have.’ He just gave me a hug and went to bed. It wasn’t nearly as painful as I’d imagined or feared it would be. In fact, it wasn’t painful at all."

Children who are loved and respected by their parents tend to love and respect their parents. However, beware that many adolescents are not mature enough to be as accepting or understanding as Scott’s son. Your friend and his wife should prayerfully decide when—or whether—to tell their children. When telling children, explain that their father isn’t perfect (if he has made behavioral mistakes), but don’t discredit him or demean men in general. If the children don’t respect the role of men and fathers, they may develop gender identity problems themselves.

Some men have positive experiences in telling a close friend who does not share homosexual struggles. They have generally been very surprised to learn that others will still accept and love them even when they know their "deep, dark secret." This realization helps them feel loved for who they really are—rather than for the facade they try to present—and improves their feelings of self-worth.

If you with to tell a trusted friend or family member so you will have someone to talk with about how these problems affect you, before you first get the permission of the man who has the same-sex attraction.

Although the above stories are positive experiences, don’t expect that everyone’s reaction will be positive. Some men have been ostracized from their families or have lost close friends when they told them of their attractions. The people you tell are human and come from varied backgrounds. They have their own limitations and hangups, and each will react differently. Some are able to display Christlike love; others may react negatively.

To help as you or your friend explains his struggles to a loved one, I have written a booklet, Understanding Male Homosexual Problems: An Introduction for Latter-day Saints, that explains in simple terms and in a condensed form the concepts discussed in this book.

If you suspect that your husband, son, brother, or friend has homosexual attractions, you may want to prepare the way for him to tell you about them. He may be afraid to admit his problems because he is embarrassed or afraid you will reject him. Create an atmosphere where he knows you will be open to sharing such feelings. "I want us to have an honest relationship where you feel you can tell me anything." You may want to talk about a news event or a television show that had a gay topic. "This is really an interesting topic. What do you think a person should do if he has homosexual attractions?" After discussing the topic, you could say, "If I knew someone who struggled with these feelings, I would still love him and would want him to tell me so I could understand him and be a support to him."

If you think your son has these feelings, talk with him about them and point him in directions that can help him start to understand them early and get help before his problems become more complex. Parents sometimes avoid direct discussions about sexual topics by talking about issues in the third person. However, discussions about how wrong or disgusting homosexuality is may just increase the guilt and shame the child already feels and bury even deeper any attempt to admit he has a problem and begin to seek help. Instead, establish feelings of love and trust, then ask directly and discuss openly.

	"To Help a Loved One in Need," Richard G. Scott, Ensign, May 1988, pp. 60–61.
	Parents in Pain by John White.
	Where Does a Mother Go to Resign? by Barbara Johnson.
	Fresh Elastic for Stretched Out Moms by Barbara Johnson.
	How Will I Tell My Mother?: A True Story of One Man's Battle with Homosexuality and AIDS by Jerry Arterburn

• The Dance of Anger by Harriet G. Lerner

Endnotes:

1. Where Does a Mother Go To Resign?, Barbara Johnson, Bethany House Publishers, Minneapolis, MN, 1979, p. 10.

2. “Covenants,” Boyd K. Packer, Ensign, Nov. 1990, p. 85.

3. In A Place in the Kingdom: Spiritual Insights from Latter-day Saints about Same-Sex Attraction, eds. Garrick Hyde and Ginger Hyde, Century Publishing, Salt Lake City, UT, 1997, p. 13.