Interpersonal Skills: A Four Step Process

By Jay J.

On my way to visit another new counselor, I was convinced that there would be nothing he could tell me to help me change. I was shocked and delighted to hear about Moberly's theory. Suddenly I realized that Moberly's theory was in complete congruence with what I already believed about "need" theories, especially those of Maslow.

At this time I was studying interpersonal skills. As I researched, I started applying what I knew about Moberly's work, to my own. I realized that I and many other of my brothers from Evergreen were experiencing interpersonal skill deficits. In this particular theory there a four levels to move through to become interpersonally competent.
 

ACCESSIBILITY

How can we learn interpersonal skills if we are never in the presence of others? So many of us have learned to defensively detach, that we never, or rarely, make ourselves available to others. The fear involved is if we make ourselves accessible, then we are potentially setting ourselves up for a painful situation. For me the first step in being accessible was simply being physically present. I can remember that at my first Evergreen meeting I was so frightened that I hardly spoke a word to anyone. That was OK. I had finally made a step in the right direction. As time went on, I could make another step and start talking with the other men. As I progressed I was able to communicate on a more open, honest and intimate level.
 

RECIPROCITY

An example of being reciprocal is, if two individuals are engaging in a conversation, both people should have the opportunity to have their needs, of being heard and listening, met. Many of us have a tendency to be co-dependent on other people. Some of us feel that we need to be needed, and will do just about anything for the person that we are dependent upon. Some of us have such a great need to be cared for, that we are unable to assist others. If we are in either of these two states it becomes difficult to be reciprocal. Our support groups provide a secure setting so that we can work on these issues. I realized that I was more of the "care-giver' type of person. With the help of my brothers at Evergreen I eventually was able to allow some of them assist me (this was something new!). As a group, when everyone develops the skills of being reciprocal, that group functions much more effectively and the participants will benefit greatly.

COMMITMENT

Commitment confronts the issue of a lack of trust. Since the lack of trust is one of the basic elements that contributes to need deprivations, the development of commitment is a big step.

Being committed means that we are committed to ourselves as well as others. Once we have reached the ability to commit, we are issuing ourselves a permission slip to accomplish the task we are committing to. Again, our groups provide us a wonderful opportunity to gain insight into commitment. Groups that exercise the principle of commitment will be empowered in their change process.

Many of us perceive that we have committed to others in the past and were hurt by doing so. Yes, this is a process of confronting those fears. Hopefully, Evergreen will provide an atmosphere were you will be able to risk learning to be committed.

SPONTANEITY

Spontaneity allows one to act upon their feelings and emotions in a natural way. Those who have had an opportunity to experience spontaneity will also have a healthy level of self-esteem.

Once we have achieved the goal of developing interpersonal skills within our groups we can then duplicate the experience in other settings. One of our goals is to be able to function as, and with, men outside of our group meetings.

Learning interpersonal skills has been a challenging yet rewarding experience, and one that I will continue to work at. I hope that each of us will gain the goals that we have set out to accomplish, and that learning new skills will become the norm.
 

(Originally published in Journey, Volume 1, Number 5, 1991, pages 1-2.)

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