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I’m getting married. I can assure you that it is more miraculous that I can
possibly explain. I am 35-years old and for nearly 10 years believed that it
wasn’t going to happen to me. I lived without hope for those years and
depression was a constant companion, so much so that for many years I didn’t
even remember what it was like to not be depressed. I was a temple-worthy
Latter-day Saint until I was 29-years old, and after a 3rd failed
engagement, I abandoned my faith, attempted suicide, detached from my family
and I finally accepted Satan’s counterfeit “happiness” of a gay life. The
most debilitating thing that held me back was my persistent belief that
miracles would not happen in my life—hadn’t I tried hard enough and begged
for these feelings to be taken? Even while I enjoyed some blessings, I
allowed my anger at God to prevent me from believing, and hoping. This short
testimonial can in no wise adequately explain everything, but I want to
point our a few things that are true for me now.
First, I am not gay. True, I had homosexual feelings for many years, and I
chose to live the gay lifestyle for a time, but I was not happy as a gay
man. I truly believe that I am homosexual, which a combination of genetics
and environment conspired to distort my thoughts and feelings toward
homosexuality—my same-sex feelings were not chosen. I have been in and out
of therapy since early adolescence, for issues relating to the divorce of my
parents and general depression. But only since I returned to Utah 21/2 years
age, when I found a therapist who could help me address my homosexual
feelings, did I begin in earnest to make progress toward healing the pain in
me and the depression. No, the pain was not inflicted by my religion’s, or
by society’s, intolerance of homosexuality, but by my own soul’s sense of
dissonance—being gay did not bring harmony to me in my life. Therefore I
chose after much difficulty to get off the fence. No one could choose for
me, I had to believe that with the Lord’s help I could succeed.
Second, I am very happy. I have never been so happy—it’s been strange to me
the last year or so as I prepared and worked for marriage, because I never
before imagined feeling this happy. I believe that this happiness is a gift
from God, but also that it is I who chose to reach out and accept it form
Him. I know that there are many factors involved in my arriving at this
state of happiness—1) the faith and prayers of those who love me, including
my mother, my fiancé and her family, 2) my obedience to the principles of
the Gospel of Jesus Christ, for no blessing comes without obedience to that
principle upon which it is predicted, 3) the help of Dr. Byrd, whose
insight, persistence, and genuine care for me allowed me to begin to believe
again, and finally, 4) the mercy and blessings of God, who loves me and saw
fit to reach down and help me back up. I can never adequately repay anyone
for these blessings, but I will try by the scriptural, “Inasmuch as ye have
done it unto the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.”
For a long time I thought change was possible for others, but not for me. I
now know that change is far more difficult than any discussion can define,
but that it IS a choice—the most difficult choice I have ever made. But that
does not mean I think less of any one of my friends who has chosen the gay
lifestyle—I still have great love and compassion for them. But I also have
tremendous respect for those of us “strugglers” who strive to overcome SSA.
I pray God’s blessing on us all just the same. I have traveled many strange
roads throughout the globe, and my spiritual life has mirrored my actual
travels. The journey has opened my eyes and my heart. My experiences with
overcoming homosexuality have made me a greater human being and I would not
now trade them for anything!
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