John's (Utah) testimony
Presented at the 2000 Evergreen International Annual Conference
I want to tell you of my great hope for all of us here today. I have deep
compassion for every person who has a stumbling block to cross over. Present
are those of us with the common struggle of SSA. My heart goes out to you. I
know how difficult the battle can be. I know of your suffering, whether you
are experiencing attraction or have found yourself entrenched in the
politics and lifestyle of being gay. I know how confusing, heart wrenching
and difficult it can be, because I was once there myself.
Today I will briefly tell you my experience through the tempests of passion,
fear and selfishness, to the soft breezes of discipline, faith, compassion
and the accompanying comfort, peace and joy they bring with them. I will
recount the misery of a past life and the joys and peace of a new one, a
better one, indeed, a real life. To find relief from the misery, passion,
and pain, and then to find hope and love is true joy. There is a path that
does lead to this joy and it is the Gospel of Jesus Christ. That is where
hope is. I know you are here for one thing more than any other, and that is
to lay hold upon HOPE. That is where my focus is personally and that is
where I hope to take you in these few minutes. No matter where you find
yourself, know this, God is aware of your plight and He is continually
sending aid. It is up to us to grab hold of the proverbial rope and hold
fast to it in order to escape the captivity of the quicksand that is sin.
Get ready to catch the line. That said: I begin the “brief” story of my
captivity and subsequent liberation.
My dear brothers and sisters, this particular struggle began, for me, many
years ago. Many of the persistent problems of self-esteem, confidence and
identity are rooted in difficult experiences of childhood neglect and abuse.
I also had many positive and nurturing influences as well. I am very
typical. I had inappropriate experiences early in life in that pursuit but
it only reinforced my feelings of being different from other guys. I
harbored fantasy as a method of escape and a means to feel masculine. I
began to sexualize the mystery of being whole and complete as a man early in
adolescence. I continued in faithful membership in the church throughout my
adolescence and eventually went on a mission having discarded homosexual
practices. I served an honorable mission and was very active in the church
for about four years after I got home. I am being short on details here on
purpose. My object here is not to tout my long list of victimization and
create a “praise John for his suffering type of pity-party.” Instead I just
want to let you know that I am human and have gone through life acquiring a
long list of experiences and challenges like everyone else. The ultimate
responsibility for all of these consequences resides with me, I am no
victim, neither are you, whatever may happen in life, remember, we chose to
participate in life and the consequences for our choices are our own.
It was through this time period after my mission that my faith really
started to waiver. Had I not done everything for the faith in order to earn
or merit the removal of this thorn? I began to think that God was a
respecter of persons. I knew He said otherwise, but I just couldn’t believe
that God would give these attractions to someone and then tell them that in
order to be happy they would have to go against the very nature He gave
them. Yet, are we not told that we are to overcome the natural man? I would
learn from this experience that God works on a one-on-one basis. I was
working for “the Faith” not necessarily on “my Faith”. However, this became
a steady chain of thought for me and I found that my attractions for men
increased steadily as I focused on the disparity I felt.
I started looking at fashion magazines that displayed what perfect males
should look like and how they should dress and act. I began to emulate these
worldly visions in order to find acceptance and over the subject for about
two years and found some relief. After constant struggle and immense mental
and emotional conflict I finally chose to enter the gay lifestyle. I thought
that “maybe the church just doesn’t understand; perhaps it will change in
time to accept homosexuals who are monogamous”. I believed that If God made
me feel attracted to men, that must be my nature, the way He wanted me to
be, so to be happy I would need to follow my natural course and do what
nature called for. I had bought a lie. I found some relief in letting go of
the church and the struggle. In giving up I found that there really was no
opposition to continue down stream. So I thought, initially at least, that I
had made the right decision. The experience reinforced my belief in natural
course of action. Over my year and a half in the lifestyle I acquired most
of what was valuable to the world. I accrued all of the things that are said
to make one happy: health, wealth, fame, good looks, youth, job, popularity
and an attractive partner. I had everything that that would wanted and said
that would make me happy. It was a terrible realization the morning that I
awakened to look around me and appreciate my situation. I acknowledged that
I did have all of these “things” but my soul was empty. I felt worse than
ever before and now I realized that I had parted from what I had truly loved
and I had broken my covenants and grieved the spirit and offended God in so
doing. I hope that I can convey to you my sense of shame and anguish of
heart.
From that point on life took a dramatic turn for me. I sought wisdom form
good friends and worked with some men and women who were gifted in healing
the heart and soul. I was blessed by God to have the most compassionate and
courageous bishop I have ever known. With their assistance I began the trek
back to God. I am here today because of grace and grace alone. I couldn’t
have made the transition without so many professionals, friends and family.
But most importantly, without faith in Jesus Christ, it would all have been
for naught God showed me then, and each day thereafter, that He loves me. I
know that He loves you too. The healing balm of forgiveness and hope for
change is available to you as well. Remember the words of Isaiah, “though
your sins be as scarlet, yet they shall be white as snow”. Through the
Atonement there is cleansing and hope.
I want you to know the feelings of homosexual attraction persist
from time to time. “Hey, welcome to real life.” However, those feelings have
diminished greatly. I have learned how to manage my passions and check
myself in many trains of thought, which led to fantasy and escapism. I have
learned that prayer works every time. God always does His part. When we
demonstrate a desire to do His will and put even a tiny amount of faith in
Him, He will work miracles in our lives. What I am learning is that there
are a multitude of problems and challenges we all face. They are all
designed to strengthen us, yes strengthen us. Many times in order to gain
the strength a lesson is intended to create, we need to learn to let go and
let God. Many times we will have to fall to our knees and pray for the will
and fortitude to endure and keep walking on the path in spite of the
obstacles in our way. We will learn that the problem gets bigger the more we
focus on it. The more we let go of it, the more it lets go of us. It will
take faith. That is why you’re here though, to promote your faith. You
wouldn’t have come if you didn’t believe some good would come of it. Would a
runner ever train if he never expected to realize the dream of running and
winning? Would we ever do strength training if we never could realize the
results of getting stronger? WE understand it in physical terms, and yet,
sometimes it seems so hard to understand in the mental and spiritual realm.
The path to completion of character is wrought with every manner of faith
promoter. By test and trial faith is shaped and added upon. It is through
faith that all spiritual work is done. The present concerns ever Same Sex
Attraction are really no different from any other problems. It is by and
through faith that this obstacle is turned from weakness into strength.
Don’t allow yourself to be snared by the cunning deceit of the gay
lifestyle, or any other, which bases happiness on externals. The Kingdom of
God that we place our hearts upon. I dare say that all present seek peace,
either to obtain it or to sustain it. Place your trust in God. He knows how
to get you to the end of the course; He has been in this line of work for,
well forever. “For behold, this is my work and my glory-to bring to pass the
immortality and eternal life of man.” (Moses 1:39)
Today I can stand in front of you free to choose. I feel clean. There is
hope through Christ Jesus. We can all overcome the flesh, but not on our
own, we must lean on God. He will see us through our trials, as we are
humble and sincere in our desire for happiness and our commitment to change.
He loves us. Every act Jesus has done proves this with incredible simplicity
and power. As we desire to change, the influence of the Spirit will sanctify
our souls and we will gain light, faith and strength until one day we are
like Our Father in Heaven and Jesus our Savior.
Our Father in Heaven has sent a messenger to us today. He will tell us of
the way, the truth, and the life of He who has done all to save, even Jesus
Christ. I pray that the words of my testimony will add to magnify and
underscore the message he has brought by the Grace of God to us today. I
offer my invitation and exhortation to pay heed and apply the advice he
brings us this day. With all due respect, and brotherly love I refer you to
listen to this humble servant of Jesus Christ, and I conclude this testimony
in the Holy name of He whose feet I am not worthy to touch, but beckons me
come, with trust and faith in mercy, even Jesus Christ, Amen.
John, Utah
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