Masculinity

by Jason Park

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The developmental process
The masculine conflict
Rites of passage
Understanding masculinity
Male role models
Masculine/feminine qualities
Improving your feelings of masculinity
Sports

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Many men who have same-sex attractions feel inadequate in their masculinity. Having diminished feelings of masculinity does not mean you see yourself as feminine or wish you were a woman. There is a considerable difference between feeling inadequate as a man and feeling feminine. How you feel about yourself is crucial because these inner feelings of being incomplete or inadequate as a man can be a breeding ground for a number of personal problems, including homosexual ones. Not all males who have such conflicts have same-sex attractions, but those who have same-sex attractions commonly experience feelings of inadequacy in their masculinity.

This section presents the concepts of gender identity and gender role, then addresses some of the conflicts men experience in the world today. It shows how rites of passage can help a young man move into manhood. The section then suggests that you define what is masculine for you and gives example of male role models. It discusses masculine and feminine characteristics and gives suggestions on how to improve your feelings of masculinity.

In The Family: A Proclamation to the World, the First Presidency declared, "All human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose."¹

Development of gender identity

A child’s identity as masculine or feminine is acquired in the early stages of life, usually by age three, and it is during this time that the foundation of sexual health is laid or sexual distress begins. Loving, consistent family relationships can help children accept themselves and their gender identity.

Development of gender role

After a boy identifies his gender, he needs to learn his gender role. It is usually from ages four to eleven that he comes to understand himself as a male and learns how to relate socially with others. The boy develops a healthy masculine gender role most effectively when he can use his father or another significant male in his life as a role model. Alan Medinger wrote, "Modeling is an essential part of this process. In a culture where the father’s role is clearly defined, it is not difficult for the boy to seek to form himself with a very clear perception of what he is to become. If the father is uncertain and vacillating in his role, the model becomes blurred, the child confused."² Joseph Nicolosi explained, "The mother’s attitude toward father—and men in general—is very significant. If she undermines his role in the family, this diminishes his status as a desirable model. If the mother does not reflect him as a model to strive for, she fails to demonstrate that there is esteem related to being masculine."³

The boy can admire his father and pattern his life after him. The father can reinforce and affirm the boy’s masculine behavior. Through many interactions, the boy learns from his father how to do masculine things. The father also teaches the boy about femininity by demonstrating how men should treat women. It is important that the boy attaches and identifies with his father and that he doesn’t perceive him to be absent or emotionally disinterested. He needs to feel that his father is actively and emotionally interested in his socialization. If the boy feels affirmed in these masculine qualities and roles, he accepts the masculine. If he feels rejected, he may develop a confused identity and detach himself from the masculine.

In earlier times, boys worked daily at the side of their fathers in the fields or in the blacksmith shop. They had close relationships and boys learned from their fathers what it meant to be a man. The industrial revolution took fathers out of the home and put them in factories, and later the information revolution put them in offices doing work that boys don’t understand. Today, fathers spend little meaningful time with their sons and therefore boys don’t have as many opportunities to learn concepts of masculinity from their fathers.

Adolescence can be a very confusing time. Just as the boy is trying to learn who he is and how he fits in with the world, his body begins the profound physical and emotional changes of puberty. Although he is physically becoming an adult, he may lack the experience and maturity to deal effectively with the social, emotional, and physical changes taking place.

It is difficult to be a man in the world today. In his book The Hazards of Being Male, Herb Goldberg explains that even from childhood, males are in constant conflict. He wrote, "the elementary school setting puts the young boy into more than his share of painful binds. While there is great peer pressure to act like a boy, the teacher’s coveted classroom values are traditionally ‘feminine’ ones. The emphasis is on politeness, neatness, docility, and cleanliness, with not much approved room being given for the boy to flex his muscles. Teacher’s greatest efforts often go into keeping the boys quiet and in their seats."⁴ Dr. Goldberg further explained, "[T]he young boy in our culture is placed into countless such dilemmas. He is told he must become a boy but he has to do so with very limited male model availability. He is taught that ‘real boys’ are active and strong but then gets into trouble in school for acting like a ‘real boy.’ He is in constant conflict between his own restlessness and the desire to be active and his teacher’s demand that he be quiet, submissive, and passive."⁵

Young boys are taught to suppress their feelings. "From early boyhood on, his emotions are suppressed by others and therefore repressed by himself. In countless ways he is constantly being conditioned not to express his feelings and needs openly. Though he too has needs for dependency, he learns that it is unmasculine to act in a dependent way. It is also unmasculine to be frightened (‘scared’), to want to be held, stroked, and kissed, to cry, etc. While all of these expressions of self are acceptable in a girl they are incompatible with the boy’s sought after image of being tough and in control."⁶

Boys are taught from a very early age that they must perform. While it is okay for women to focus on relationships and be open emotionally, men learn to be more closed and competitive. As boys, they must run faster and jump higher. As teenagers, they must have the best cars and date the prettiest girls. As adults, they must have the highest-paying jobs and the most expensive houses. As a result, men learn to measure their success not in terms of happiness or fulfillment, but in terms of performance. They define themselves in external rather than internal terms. This performance-oriented view of masculinity is so focused on goals that close friendships become difficult. While such a focus may enable a man to build a career, it inevitably sets up emotional roadblocks to a fulfilling personal life.

Men are typically adept at denying their problems. They learn to be self-sufficient and feel inadequate if they ask for help. Therefore, they typically wait until their lives have fallen apart before they seek help. When they do seek help, they want quick solutions to complex problems. The good news is that there is a movement in America today for men to realize they should not judge themselves solely by performance standards, but can be more self-fulfilled, can show emotions, and can reach out to others for help. Men are reading books like Fire in the Belly by Sam Keen and Iron John by Robert Bly and going to self-discovery weekend retreats to try to understand their feelings and bond with other men.

Rites of passage

A rite of passage is an event that helps young people make transitions in their life. These ceremonies of manhood can be powerful, life-changing moments where, in the presence of dad and other men, a boy can mark either his progress toward or passage into manhood. Mormon culture has many rituals of passage, such as the blessing of children, baptism, priesthood ordinations, missions, and temple marriage. Anciently, Greek boys took an oath of allegiance to the city; today, LDS boys take the oath and covenant of the priesthood. In ancient cultures, men were given swords and shields to defend themselves; temple rites today give the garment of the priesthood as a defense.

Today, people are beginning to recognize the importance of these ceremonies of manhood and are giving them increased emphasis. A number of Christian and Jewish organizations in the United States are incorporating new rites of passage to help young people make the transition from youth to adulthood. These rites include wilderness survival programs, reconstructed African rituals in churches, revitalized confirmations in Protestant churches, bar and bat mitzvahs in synagogues, and newly created rituals using mythology, art, music, and games in various settings.⁷

As a boy passes through these stages of life, the father should help his son recognize the attendant responsibilities and roles. A central function of fathering is to help the son identify and assimilate his roles in life, such as the role of a son, a boy, a priesthood holder, a man, and a father. If you missed out on these rites of passage, as an adult you may benefit from a rite of passage experiential program. Chapter six of The Wonder of Boys by Michael Gurian has more information on rites of passage.

What does it mean to be masculine? Society dictates much of what we deem masculine. Our culture says that a man should be tough and not cry. Is your concept of a "manly man" one that builds sheds, fixes cars, drives trucks, drinks beer, watches sports by the hour, and ignores the feelings of others? We gain our concept of manliness from how we interpret the world around us.

It is important to define what is masculine to you. A better question to ask yourself may be "What is a godly man?" A man of God is sensitive, humble, and patient.

Men are often attracted to other men who appear to have the masculine traits they desire; they somehow feel they can make up for the deficiency through sexual contact with the "ideal man." In the book A Place in the Kingdom: Spiritual Insights from Latter-day Saints about Same-Sex Attraction, the author writes about the envy he felt toward high school athletes. "I wanted to consume the jocks’ talents and personalities. I coveted their physical attributes, which I presumed were the source of their self-esteem and outward popularity. Fixating on their physical abilities quickly led to sexual fantasies."⁸

Jesus Christ provided the perfect pattern of masculinity to follow. He led in humility and by example. He boldly stood up for what was right and did not shrink when it was necessary to clear the temple of those who sold animals and changed money. But He also demonstrated emotions of sorrow and pain. He was affectionate and tender with children and patient and loving with transgressors.

The Book of Mormon is full of examples of men who stood up for what is right, who were righteous priesthood holders and loving husbands and fathers. As you read the stories of Nephi, Captain Moroni, the 2,000 stripling warriors, Mormon, and Moroni, think about the masculine qualities they possessed and consider how you can display the same qualities yourself.

As I have studied the life of Joseph Smith, I am impressed by his combination of strength and tenderness. He stood up to some of the greatest challenges any man could face, but was also as loving and tender as any man. The prophets are men to be emulated and reading books about their lives can help you see how to be a man of God.

It is necessary for everyone to have both masculine and feminine characteristics. A man has mostly male qualities and a woman has mostly female qualities. But a woman needs some masculine characteristics to give balance to her feminine side and a man needs some feminine characteristics to smooth out the rough edges of his masculinity. Rambo needs a little culture, emotion, and sensitivity. It is important to develop both because being out of balance with either can contribute to personal problems. The problem with many men who experience homosexual attraction is not that they have too much of the female qualities, but that their male qualities are underdeveloped. If men see masculinity as self-centered and cruel, they may suppress their masculine side and develop only their feminine side (perhaps emulating the good qualities they see in their mother). It was helpful for me to learn more about masculine and feminine characteristics to better develop both within me. I found two books by Robert A. Johnson helpful: He: Understanding Masculine Psychology and She: Understanding Feminine Psychology. The book Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus by John Gray also helped me understand the physical and emotional differences between men and women. It helped me understand that my wife perceives things differently than I do and that she will have different emotional expressions of her needs.

Many men come to realize that what they experience as a homosexual attraction is really an attraction for qualities of masculinity they feel lacking. The following are suggestions to help improve your feelings of masculinity:

Define and incorporate good masculine qualities. After you define what is appropriately masculine for you, develop a plan of action to incorporate the things you feel you are missing. Remember to keep a good balance of masculine and feminine qualities. If you have any mannerisms or dress that would alienate you from other men, you may decide to change them without detracting from your individuality. There are a variety of acceptable masculine styles. If you are not happy with your voice, practice using a voice with a low pitch, medium pace, and volume. If you are personally dissatisfied with any traits, decide if they are really worth worrying about. If they are, work to change them but don’t concentrate on them so much that they distract you from other important pursuits.

Risk by extending yourself. If you are unhappy with your current situation, don't give in to who you are now and give up on what you could become. Take the risk to stretch yourself and do things you have not done before.

Interact with other men. Find ways to join groups of men at work or in the community. Join ward sports teams or find a group that enjoys a certain type of recreation. Join in conversations with other men. Study up on a sports team so you can interject an occasional "How about the Bulls?"

Keep physically fit. Your weight, nutrition, and exercise can all contribute to your self-image. Regular exercise can help reduce anxiety, tension, mental fatigue, and depression. But even more important, I find that when I am out of shape I don’t feel like participating on the ward basketball team or doing other things that would make me feel like I fit in with the guys. When I am strong and physically fit, I feel in control of my life. I enjoy working out at the gym because I am doing something masculine and it gives me the chance to associate with other men in a masculine environment. However, the gym can be a two-edged sword, offering both hope and fear. As Joseph Nicolosi explained, "It is one of the few all-male environments that provides both temptation and the healing sense of contact with masculinity."⁹ Do you go to the gym for a legitimate workout or do you have other motives? A friend of mine used to refer to his "executive workout," a triathlon consisting of the sauna, steam room, and whirlpool. If you go to the gym for the scenery and not the physical rigors of a legitimate workout, you shouldn’t be there at all. If it is a tempting place for you, find other ways to get a good workout without going to a gym. When my old gym became a cruising place, I changed to another gym. If you know cruising happens at certain times, avoid those times. To avoid any possibility of temptations, I go with several friends and that makes it even more enjoyable with their company.

Sports

Society focuses on winners. Winners get the lion’s share of attention and few people even remember who else was in the running. In this competitive environment, a boy who is ill-coordinated or weak tends to be labeled a loser and his self-confidence is severely put to the test. Although there can be healthy competition, an emphasis on winning at all costs may be the single greatest reason why some young people get turned off to sports and physical fitness. Years later, no one may remember who won or lost the game, but he will always remember if he was left out. If a boy has negative experiences with physical activities or sports, it may result in a lifetime aversion to sports, both as a participant and a fan.

Psychologist Gerard van den Aardweg said, "studies reveal that most of the men with [homosexual attractions] had an outspoken childhood aversion for soccer or other group games. Such games are more or less the embodiment of boyish activity in our culture; they require enjoying competition with other boys and some fighting spirit and indicate adjustment to the peer group."¹⁰ Jeff Konrad wrote, "I wanted to overcome certain inhibitions and rid myself of the crippling envy I’d felt. . . . I also wanted to get in shape, so I joined a health club. And hating my lifelong feelings of being awkward and incompetent at sports while other guys seemed to have been born on the playing field, I learned how to play softball and then volleyball by taking morning classes at Orange Coast. Anything that I’d allowed to restrain me in the past I was now determined to overcome. Every root I could find to my negative self-image and homosexual behavior was regarded as a challenge."¹¹

My father was not home much as I grew up, and I was never encouraged to participate in sports. I was never on a little league team nor do I recall ever playing backyard football with neighborhood friends. The closest I ever got to team sports was playing Red Rover. In college, it seemed that all that my roommates cared about was sports. So on Saturdays while they vegetated on the couch watching one game after another, I went to work or the library. The more they cared about sports, the less I cared, and the gulf between us grew wider. When they dragged me to a college football game, I found myself cheering at the wrong times, so I soon replaced "yea" and "boo" to "oh-h-h-h" which they could interpret as either good or bad, depending on how the play turned out.

Sports play an important role in masculinity because men in much of the world spend a great deal of time watching and playing sports. If you are not involved in sports at least to some degree, you will be left out of much of male life in society and feel more separated from other men. If you have never developed a skill at a sport, it is not too late to learn. There are sports groups that teach adults the basic rules of the game and provide opportunity to develop basic skills. (See the section Support Groups for more information on sports programs.)

Endnotes:

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