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Thirteen months ago, I got baptized. If anyone had told
me two years ago that I would no longer identify myself as gay and become a
Latter-day Saint, I would have looked at them with great compassion, because
they must have been insane.
All my life I did not have any religious beliefs. God was a cruel father who
let his son suffer in a horrible way. Besides, he was never there and didn't
answer any of my prayers. He sure didn't send any angel to save me from the
abuse I suffered from my parents. If there was a God he had forgotten about
me or didn't care. I was too young at the time to understand that God
doesn't personally intervene ... but uses other people to answers our
prayers.
In school we had bible classes. The only part of the scriptures that gave me
any solace and comfort was Psalm 23. The image of Christ was somehow fixed
in my mind ... he was one of my heroes. He loved all those, whom the
self-righteous detested. Maybe, he even loved me ... because no one else
seemed to.
In my early teens I noticed my attraction to other boys. I was horrified and
ashamed that I had these feelings. But I came to accept them and felt good
about being gay because there was nothing I could do about it. It was who I
was. My life was very much defined by my attractions and my
self-identification with these attractions. That made my life anything but
the straight and narrow path, but more like a long winding road. After
medical school I had an addiction problem and I had to humble myself and
surrender in order to recover. I prayed to the Lord and surrendered my will
and my life into his hands. I knew that I had to make some profound changes
in my life. And I did. I realized my behavior caused misery not only to
myself but also affected other people's lives. I had to change my behavior.
I decided to live in celibacy until a true love came around and focus on
recovering and other areas of my life that was more fulfilling than getting
drunk and having my sexual needs met. And I was so starved spiritually. I
began to search for some sense, meaning, and purpose to life. It took 5
years and several messengers to find the Church. One day on the street I met
some Mormon missionaries and I remember that we talked about faith without
works was worthless.
In getting to know the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and
studying the gospel I received a powerful personal revelation that made me
see things clearly. It took away any doubt that there is a Heavenly Father
and that His son is the Christ, Our Savior and redeemer. I wanted to know
what the Church's perspective of gays was. Well, I should have known,
shouldn't I? I joined an online pro-gay group for LDS men called Queer
Saints and I decided not to join the church ... I was gay, right?
One day on the message board they discussed a book called Prayers for
Jonathan. They hated the book ... but I read the review, which included
a foreword by Richard Cohen the author of Coming Out Straight. I
asked them if they had read the book at all. A guy in the group saw my
comments and wrote the woman who had written the book. She wrote me an
e-mail. I was polite when I told her off. She didn't give up. She told me
that she wanted to be my friend no matter what. That she had written her
book with a young man from my country (Denmark). She sent me a copy and I
read it. It was very hard to read. I laughed and I cried my way through the
book. I cried so much, when I read the excerpts from Richard Cohen's book
Coming Out Straight. I realized why I had a same-sex attraction. I also
realized that I could change if I wanted to.
The question was if I wanted to change? I only saw my same-sex attraction
as unwanted if it was caused by my horrible childhood. Well here it was, in
black and white. I read a lot more during the next weeks and I talked to
Bridget Night on the phone. She was and is a real pillar of support for
ex-gays and gays.
Many that have a same-sex-attraction are not attracted to members of the
opposite sex. I had never had much attraction to women. I had to find out if
I really was attracted to women. I began looking at women I passed on the
street. It was as if I had been wearing blinders. Women were more
interesting than I had thought. I had been intimate with women ... by
accident of course... when I had been drunk sometimes in the past. This told
me that my inhibitions of women were psychological and could be overcome.
Maybe I wasn't gay after all?
Because of the emotional scars, my life has been all about surviving and
recovering. And I have. I was never able to let anybody love me. Today, I
fully understand my need to have my emotional needs met by men. It was a
dysfunctional and perverted love ... but a love after all. In Proverbs it
says "to the hungry, even what is bitter, tastes sweet". Well I'm not
starved anymore. I will not settle for bitter fruits. I had changed my
behavior, my same-sex-attractions had diminished, but I still identified
myself as a gay man. Could I give up my gay identity?
Before I got baptized and became a Latter Day Saint, I knew I was willing to
change and make sacrifices. I still have a same-sex-attraction but I do not
feel less worthy because of it. I don't have a need to be loved by men in a
romantic or sexual way anymore. I do need the fellowship and love from other
brothers and healthy male relationships. In so many ways I feel deceived
today. Why had no one ever told me that change was possible? Well, even if
they did, I probably wouldn't have listened.
My wish for all of us that have a same-sex-attraction is that we may stay
faithful even though we may have this challenge all of our lives. I know now
that Heavenly father had not forgotten about me and that he does answer
prayers. He sent me missionaries, loving members of the Church and last but
not least Bridget Night and her family.
I say this in the name Jesus Christ. Amen.
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