Phil's testimony

Given at the Evergreen conference 2001

I would like to take a few minutes and express my feelings/thoughts re: the past 21 months in my life since, I found Evergreen and the changes that have occurred in m life.

I was raised in a loving LDS home with a good father and mother. My father was in a bishopric for 23 years and is now a stake patriarch. My mother is a first cousin to President Benson. There were never any issues of abuse or poor relationships with my parents. My father had a diary farm and is seems like my life was one of work, school and church. I do know that my father and I never did any of the normal “father-son bonding” experiences such as sports or fishing, etc. In fact, I learned to fish from college roommates.

The first hint of SSA was in my teens. I noticed a real attraction to muscular and athletic males but I didn’t think much of it. This attraction seemed to “blossom” after a temple marriage and mission. I never acted out with another male but began a series of visits to adult bookstores and a pattern of compulsive behavior, which continued for many years (while serving in a bishopric and other positions in the Church). I kept this part of my life hidden. I felt that I was the only male in the church with “this problem” and if ever discovered, would surely be disfellowshiped or excommunicated for such behavior!

The lord sent a “wake-up call” two years ago. I was called as HP Group Leader in my ward. I felt a very strong feeling that “now was the time to deal with this”. I made am appointment with my bishop. He thought that I was there to discuss HP quorum matters. I sat down and said “I’ve got some things to tell you and I hope when I’m done you don’t think less of me.” He assured me that nothing I could do would make him feel that way, in fact he should think even more highly of me. With that I poured out my soul and it was a wonderful experience. He gave me a blessing and one of the biggest hugs I have ever received.

I found Evergreen on the net about the same time and contacted them. I was told that there was not an active group in the Portland/Vancouver area at the time. There had been one, but it had kinda fallen apart. I was put in contact with gentleman to be a mentor for me (I really thought at this time I could never tell my wife!). My mentor and another friend Bob, both urged me to tell her (a wise suggestion). I got up my nerve and sat her down after out church block meetings on Dec 5, 1999. She was stunned but has come to accept the fact that I am dealing with this in a good way.

I found out that a fellow struggler was moving to Portland. He, another friend, and I started a small group in February, 2000. We first met in one of their homes and we struggled to find a sponsor. To make a long story short, we now have two wonderful couples, one of then and the Newgrens attending out meetings. We meet in the LDS Family Services building near the Portland Temple. My stake president, sponsors the group. He knew nothing of Evergreen, but I knocked his door armed with a box of materials that Bob sent and he soaked it up like a sponge. I told him we were looking for a sponsor and he contacted the area supervisor and received his blessing. He has been supportive all the way.

The Lord has blessed me with so many tools. I have had the opportunity to visit others in my stake (by assignment from my stake president) to offer the group’s services. I was stunned when given one name to discover that he was one of my quorum members.

The Lord is well aware of our struggles. He loves us and is there for us if we will only reach out. My battles are not over but I know I will win the war. I am waiting for the day when I can rest from all of this and hear the words, “Well done, my good and faithful servant”.

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