Sharon's Testimony

I came from a childhood of unintentional, but profound, neglect. My parents divorced when I was 6 1/2 years old, and my mother began a journey through 4 more failed marriages in her search for validation of her own self-worth. Because of the struggles in her own life, she did not notice the unmet needs of my younger brother and myself. I don't remember my mother, or anyone else, ever giving me a hug or saying they loved me. I was a quiet, shy and obedient child. We moved so often that I had few friends. I was an emotional, social and intellectual cripple. I had no self-identity.

During my adolescence I became aware of and began to question my sexual identity. My friends began to be interested in boys, but they didn't interest me at all. I was attracted to older women! I wondered what was wrong with me, and I had no idea where to go for help. In this state of confusion I became sexually involved with a woman. For the first time in my life someone paid attention to me and gave me affection. It felt wonderful! But, I also knew it was wrong. I've had a testimony of the gospel all my life, and I didn't want to be a hypocrite, so I stopped going to church. However, it didn't stop the war inside! I was not happy.

I spent several years vacillating between inappropriate relationships with women and trying to be obedient to God. I eventually made the decision that the only way to be at peace was in celibacy and obedience to gospel principles. I went through the repentance process and became very active in the church. I wish I could say that everything was ok after that, but it wasn't. I was still attracted to women and convinced that I always would be. I prayed often that the feelings would go away, but they didn't.

During the next twenty years I was involved in a celibate, but very emotionally dependent, relationship with another woman. About 6 years ago, God decided it was time for me to learn the truth about myself and get on with my life. The years of pain, doubt, confusion, loneliness and guilt finally overwhelmed me. On my knees I wept "Father, I can't do it alone. Please lead me where I need to go. I don't know the way." I immediately felt comforted, renewed and at peace.

Since that time the Lord has guided me on a glorious path of discovery. I believe that SSA was the burden I needed to bring me to the depths of humility required to turn my life over to God's care.

In a very small measure, I am beginning to understand the magnitude, majesty and wonder of the Atonement of Christ. With every particle of my soul I give my eternal gratitude, love, obedience, service, and praise to God. Without Him I can do nothing!

He led me to therapists who have a testimony of the gospel. I was never treated in a condescending or judgmental manner. Rather, I was treated with the respect and compassion of true Disciples of Christ. There I was given resources and tools to discover, understand and resolve incidents and misperceptions that influenced my life and especially my SSA. I began to have hope and then believe that SSA can be conquered. It was in therapy that I learned about Evergreen.

Evergreen has been the means for me to meet others who are having the same struggle in their lives. And, I have seen and heard from many who have left it behind and are progressing on the path of eternal companionship ordained by God. Through the services offered by Evergreen, I have been given the opportunity to attend workshops and conferences. I've learned from books, tapes, pamphlets and articles. All have helped me along the path of understanding and growth.

Through the scriptures, God has answered my prayers and taught me eternal truths. He has blessed me with inspiration and strength far beyond my own abilities. On this journey with God I have come to know who I am, and the blessings that can be mine if I continue along His path. I am His daughter! I feel His love, and there is no earthly pleasure that can compare with the peace and joy this knowledge brings.

I still have much more to learn, but already I am aware of a change in the way I think, feel and act. I look at both men and women in an entirely new and healthier way. When I labeled myself as "gay," it became a self-fulfilling prophecy. I acted according to that vision of myself. I now see myself as a "daughter of God" and act in accordance with my TRUE identity. I believe that my future contains all the blessings that God has promised to the faithful. Someday I will totally love, and be eternally sealed to a "son of God." Until that day I will follow the One who knows the way, and who is "The Way." I testify to these things in His holy name, Jesus Christ. Amen.

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