My Journey of Discovery

By Sherry Roberts

When I was 16 years old, I experienced a cataclysmic, life-changing event. I was watching a church basketball game when a very good friend invited me to go walking outside with him. He had recently joined the church and we had become his spiritual buddies as we searched for answers to his many, many questions. When we got outside, at least a foot of freshly fallen snow lay untouched on the school grounds, glistening in the starlight. I wasn’t prepared at all to play in the snow, but the incitation to set aside our self-imposed restrictions of propriety was too much for both of us and we transformed into five-year-olds. We frolicked with absolute abandonment, totally oblivious to the cold. Finally in exhaustion, we fell down and began to make snow angels I was so caught up in the joy of the moment, I was barely aware of Jeff kneeling beside me. He put his face close to mine and almost breathlessly whispered, “You are an angel.” At that moment, time froze for me and though I was exhausted, and wet and chilled to the bone, my heart had never been warmer.

From that point on, I believed I was an angel, because Jeff thought I was. He was my friend, my hero, and in a single moment he became my savior. I felt like I was being rescued from a lifetime of fear, rejection, and overwhelming feelings of worthlessness. It was the most significant event that had ever happened in my young life.

Those feelings fostered as teenagers blossomed into a more mature love, and four years later, shortly after he returned from his mission, we were married for time and all eternity. He was the sweetest, kindest, gentlest man I had ever known. And though I did not feel deserving of his love, and harbored a secret fear that someday he would realize he had married far beneath himself, I loved to be the very best wife I could be.

At first, our marriage was just a continuation of our friendship and courtship and we followed the prophet’s council to not put off family or education. I loved being a wife and a mother, but somewhere along the way, I became so wrapped up in the demands of everyday living, I forgot the importance of everyday learning and growing. Life was full with babies, school, and trying to make ends meet, but I was too busy surviving to question our sanity or to realize there was anything wrong in my “picture perfect” universe until the pressure became too much for me and I came close to having a nervous breakdown. At the time, I had a very demanding church calling that I loved, but I could not continue on as I had and I asked to be released. I spent the next several weeks recuperating and beating myself up for everything I hadn’t done right. I thought I was doing everything that was expected of me, but it seemed like all I ever did was let people down. I never realized that I had not been using wisdom and had been running much faster than I was able. I wondered what was wrong with me and couldn’t understand why I couldn’t do it all like I assumed everyone else around me was.

I was so caught up in my own struggles, it didn’t occur to me that Jeff might not have been handling things as well as he appeared to be until he went in to a deep depression. For weeks I begged him to tell me what was wrong, but when he finally did, it frightened me because he said that nothing was worth it any more and he felt like giving up. He didn’t go into any details or tell why he felt that way, so I just assumed it must have something to do with my weaknesses. I didn’t dare share with him my secret fears though and internalized it along with the rest of my insecurities.

I tried valiantly to be a better, more supportive wife, assuming that if I just tried hard enough, he would eventually snap out of it. He still continued to perform his duties in his church calling and functioned as a husband and father but he was on the losing side of a battle with temptation that I could not comprehend. I depended on him to be my rock and would not let him get off the pedestal of perfection my perceptions of him had created. He knew the stress I was under, so to protect me as well as his own secrets, he retreated further into his self-imposed silence.

As Jeff’s struggles intensified, demons from my own past reared their ugly head as I began to remember instances of childhood sexual abuse. The memories were vague, but the feelings were very real and manifest themselves in ugly ways. Sometimes minor annoyances would trigger deep pain and I would lash out at my children in uncontrolled rage. I hated myself for what I did to them, but didn’t understand what was happening and was too ashamed to seek help. It was a side of me I kept very hidden from my husband.

Then came the night when my already shaky foundation was completely shattered by Jeff’s revelation of his involvement with men. Nothing had prepared me for this information and it left me in a state of shock that lasted for weeks. We separated for a time in order to give us space so that we could decide what we really wanted. The conclusion we both came to, was that our marriage covenants were eternal and that our family was worth fighting for. As difficult as this decision was to live with sometimes, there was a part of me who always believed that somehow Jeff could find freedom from his bondage and that if I could just hang in there long enough it would all be worth it. So we vowed to try again and do whatever it took to make things work.

The results of Jeff’s confessions left me questioning everything about myself. If he had desires to be with men, what did that mean for me? I definitely did not feel like an angel any more, so who was I? I had no idea…but somewhere inside of me was a longing to find a purpose for my own existence, something that would give me the strength to press forward in spite of the pain. Thus began a journey of discovery and self-awareness that has spanned the last 14 years.

It has been an exhausting, exhilarating, frustrating, sometimes very lonely journey filled with obstacles no mortal eye could possibly see past. Often I acted like a spoiled, stubborn child and refused to learn the lesson at hand, so I was given further opportunities to enhance me “education”. It seemed each time I learned one lesson it was only in preparation for tougher challenges yet to come. The most difficult thing for me to learn was to be patient, and trust that the Lord’s timing was perfect and did not happen that way.

Often, when fear would cloud my thinking, I would over-react and become vindictive, controlling, and manipulative. Other times I would become the martyr and play the role of victim, blaming Jeff for all the misery in my life. It took a long time for me to recognize the personal responsibility I had for my own happiness and begin to make the necessary changes in order to progress forward.

There were times when the pain was so intense that the idea that we shouted for joy at the prospect of earth and participating in some “great plan of happiness” turned my stomach. I couldn’t believe that we found a war because we wanted the right to choose. The other way would have been so much easier.

One time in particular something had happened that had once again brought everything to the surface and I was angry at all the pain I had experienced in my life due to other people’s choices. I began to communicate with my Father in Heaven in a way that was anything but reverent. I shook my fist at the heavens and screamed to God that I rescinded my vote. I did not want free agency, especially if it meant that other people could hurt me. I begged for Him to bring me home and end the nightmare. I yelled, and raged, and cried until there were no more tears left. As I began to calm down, I could almost hear a gentle voice saying, “There, now do you feel better?” And I did. Somehow I knew that all the mean things I had said did not hurt my Father. It surprised me to realize that in fact He wanted me to share my feelings with Him. He knew anyway, but it was important for me to have the courage to express those feelings to Him so he could comfort me, and assure me that even if I didn’t always feel His presence, I was not alone. He too was angry at the way that I had been violated. But part of the plan that we agreed to was that He would not interfere in anyone’s agency. Even if that meant some of his precious children would get hurt. I conceded the fact that even though I could not make my husband’s choices for him, I did have a choice whether or not to let his behavior destroy me.

And it had not. In fact, it has made me stronger than I ever imagined possible and has been a catalyst for discovering the greatest joy I have ever known. When I finally surrendered and learned how to trust the Lord with all my heart, the longed for peace that had been so fleeting in my life became a constant source of strength and comfort. I have felt the sweetness of repentance and the power of forgiveness. Finally I was able to get out of the Lord’s way so that the much prayed for miracles could begin to change my husband’s heart.

Today as I stand before you, I am filled with gratitude, not just because our marriage is still in tact and stronger than ever…that is just an added bonus. What we have now has been worth everything it has taken us to get to this point. Jeff is still my best friend and my hero. But he is not my Savior. That honor goes to another who understood my pain because he made the choice to descend below all things. He too experienced betrayal, rejection, and emotional pain to a totally incomprehensible depth. He knew best how to give me what I needed most when I needed it, and by his stripes…I have been healed.

But more than this, I know who I am. I don’t need Jeff to see me as an angel, because I know that I am much so much more. I am a princess of eternal worth, a daughter of Divine Deity. I know that I have a purpose. I know that my Father in Heaven knows me as a unique individual. He loves me and delights to bless me. He does not want me to needlessly suffer but wants to learn all that is necessary for me to become the person I was meant to be. I know that I have been guided throughout my life to the place where I am now…not a perfect person, but a peaceful person. Not without faults and weaknesses, but with the absolute conviction that I am acceptable just as I am and that as I continue to pattern my life after the Savior, my joy will increase.

The time will come when I can go home again, ready and anxious to share with my Father my earth experiences. Then I can thank him face to face for sending me on this grand adventure and bringing me back home to Him. But until that time, I will do all in my power to show my gratitude by serving in any way I am asked and by doing all that I can to assist others who are embarking on the same pathways I have trod. May we all have joy in the journey as we learn to put our trust in the Lord so that we can overcome each obstacle along the way and become who we really are.

This is my testimony in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.