Testimony of Sue Ann

Given at the 1998 Annual Conference of Evergreen International

As a school teacher, one of the fun activities I share with my second graders is about magnets. I bring out all sorts of different magnets from cow belly magnets to refrigerator magnets. The kids are fascinated as they line them up and watch the different effects of the magnetic field. They like to play a game of seeing how close they can arrange the magnets without touching each other. The kids begin edging the magnets closer; a nudge here and there, until the inevitable happens and they snap together.

 The lessons for us are obvious. Most people here have some knowledge of what it is to nudge our lives ever closer to attractive forces—a gentle, well-meaning shove here, a slip closer there, until the inevitable happens and the attraction becomes too much and we are overcome. The attraction can be anything from fairly easy things like the next “Dr. Pepper” to more serious problems involving substance abuse or physical relations. The point is that each of us exists in a world of magnetic fields whose attractions, for some, are so overwhelming that all direction is lost and an outside force is required to break the attraction.

 Nearly five years ago, I was forced to confront the reality of these forces. My husband Gary finally reached the point where he needed help breaking the force of an attraction so powerful in his life that it threatened his salvation, our marriage and the happiness of myself and our four children; everything we both hold dear. After 20 years of marriage, he could no longer withstand the awful pain and duplicity and loneliness. Though surrounded by five people who dearly loved him, he felt alone, separated by terrible secrets. It was not an easy thing to hear.

Twenty years earlier, I sat in the Salt Lake Temple reflecting on whether or not I should marry Gary. I know him as a returned missionary, an elder’s quorum president in our single’s ward, and a great companion. Through fasting and prayer, I knew it was acceptable to the Lord to marry Gary. My prayers were answered. Like Joseph Smith, who could not deny that he had seen God, I cannot deny my prayers were answered while there in the temple.

So now after 20 years of relative bliss mixed in with relative strife, he tells me it’s all a lie…but that wasn’t true. I knew through the Spirit that Gary had great worth, that he was valuable in the sight of God. He was a loving and devoted father and husband and patient beyond belief. There were so many good things that told me his life was not a lie. What was a lie was what he believed about himself. Gary was tormented by the thought that if he told me about his attractions I would leave him, and if he didn’t tell me we could never enjoy eternity together as a family. Because of the lies on which he based his self-image, he couldn’t turn to me or to his faith to find solace.

The next few months were very difficult. We went to a therapist that was not helpful. Because of a desire to protect our children from the conflict, we failed to approach the Church and seek help from the Priesthood. Thinking that we could handle this ourselves was yet another lie.

Finally, nearly a year and a half after Gary first told me, with great anguish I talked to our Bishop and told him everything. Gary had been on a business trip and when I met him at the airport I requested that he make a choice. He could continue as he was without his family, or he could seek help from the Priesthood. I had set an appointment for him the following evening and I breathed a sigh of relief as he chose to see the Bishop. Through prayer I knew the spirit was prompting, warning and comforting me. I knew it was time to do whatever was necessary to help the man I loved live up to his promised goodness.

Repentance is a hard yet beautiful process. Gary and I sat in the Bishop’s office for three hours as he told the story of his torment and behavior he tearfully expressed his desire to fully repent and remain with the children and me. He said he would do anything to find relief form the emptiness inside. The Bishop ended the meeting by asking my husband to pray, and it was during this prayer that Gary found the courage to finally let go of his past and ask for the help that comes through true repentance.

Gary was disfellowshipped for a year and a half and during this time we felt the efforts of Satan trying to destroy our family. In our experience, the loving care of our Bishop and members of the Stake Presidency was a positive motivator for change. But, as I said, repentance is a hard process, one without a quick resolution. Satan is real and wants our family to fail. He pressed hard on both of us during the time Gary was disfellowshipped. There were many times I wanted to say “Hit the road Jack,” but the pain in doing so was very real and very wrenching. I knew I could make it on my own but I also had faith the process would eventually work. By asking Gary to be accountable for his actions during this period, I could express my feelings of disappointment as well as my feelings of encouragement. The most important thing we did was try, no matter how hard, to keep open our communication. Satan would have us hide our feelings and actions. He would have us bury our sins. The Father of Lies would rather we didn’t express our feelings or express them only in anger.

A crisis point came when I expressed the need to be the ONLY one in Gary’s life. I couldn’t live with Gary unless he was willing to give up the other life. Husband and wife are one together. There is no room for three. I believe the gates of hell were opened to him and Gary felt the anguish of losing everything precious to him. When finally forced to face that awful crisis, Gary’s faith allowed him to choose to turn his back on darkness and walk, even stumble, to the light. It was that decisive moment when I felt hope that he would, once again, be the husband I loved and wanted to be with throughout eternity.

This is the time to prepare to meet God. This is God’s purpose, that man might have joy. Much of our joy is within our families, but joy is not achieved without pain. There are all kinds of sickness and handicaps both seen and unseen. No one is promised an easy path. We are confronted by constant images of lovers and wonder where we missed the boat. I know, however, that true love, Christlike love, comes from the daily small acts of service and kindness. To learn humility is to learn to be like Christ.

Gary often spoke of an emptiness inside; a large hole left there from his childhood. He tried to fill it with inexplicable behaviors and a constant searching for a special friendship. I knew that hole could be filled by the love of Jesus Christ and the kind ministrations of His priesthood.

After nearly five years since Gary first expressed this horror, we share a better marriage and a closer relationship with Heavenly Father and His Son. We both have changed for the better. We have learned about faith and patience. We have learned about humility and the value of meekness. Most importantly, we have learned to love each other all over again. Now we truly share problems we both have. We are on the road to becoming one in thought and action and deed. Trust has returned. The night of chaos has passed.

In conclusion, the best advice I can share with couples facing the long road to recovery is to have faith in the process. Don’t give up easily. Marriage is a trial in the best of times. Find common goals and strive to reach them. Be humble and giving. If you cannot forgive now, try at least to allow for forgiveness later. Remember you are both hurting, sometimes terribly. Reach out to each other in your pain. Don’t hide. If you can’t have faith then strive for belief, even just a little belief, and let that work in you. Things can and will get better for you. But it takes time and commitment to prepare, to plant and to nourish.

 We must work within the bounds the Lord has set. There is no other way to achieve personal happiness. The Lord has asked only one thing from us, and that is to sacrifice our own lives to gain eternal lives. A broken heart and a contrite spirit are the “delicious” results of your faith.

Remember the magnets? If you turn them around, they repel each other and the attraction is no longer there. That is what the Lord requires of both spouses, that they turn their back on evil and together walk to the light.