Good News/Bad News: Dealing with Both in Love

by Bob and Gaye

Notes from a session of the Annual Evergreen conference, 16 Sep 2000

THEME: When a friend or loved one struggles with SSA (or any other problem) are we “willing to bear one another’s burdens that they may be light” and “willing to mourn with those that mourn” and “comfort those that stand in need of comfort?” (Mosiah 18:9) How do we do this? Will our efforts be perfect?

 MAJOR CAUSES OF MOST SSA: Growing up experiences as children and teens (especially around puberty). They do not usually choose these experiences or the feelings that result, but like others, they choose whether to act on these feelings or not. Proper guidance, support and counseling can be extremely important in thwarting improper desires, thoughts and behaviors, and in helping the individuals deal with feelings of worthless, depression, confusion, etc.

What can we do as parents, spouses, and friends?

1. At time of confession, be quiet and listen so they will feel safe to express their true feelings. Bite your tongue if necessary. We have no idea how difficult it is for the struggler. Don’t back away. Hug them. It took guts for them to tell you. Listen to learn how they feel and what they think. SSA is an indication that wounds never healed and basic needs went unmet. The good news is that wounds can heal and needs can eventually be met.

2. Don’t try to fix your loved one or preach about what they should or should not be doing.

3. Don’t blame yourself.

4. Ask your loved one to forgive you if you have acted or reacted poorly. If they aren’t ready, that’s their responsibility–not yours. Don’t live your life through your child or spouse.

5. Learn what you must do to heal yourself. Work on your own issues. You are the only person you can change. The changes you make may greatly effect your loved one, no matter what their age or yours.

6. Investigate your loved one’s unmet needs. Why are they doing what they are doing? What do they find in the lifestyle—acceptance, affection, affirmation, belonging, a safe place? SSA men and women need strong attachments to the same gender. Fathers, brothers, friends: strive to build relationships with your sons, brothers, friends. Mothers, sisters, friends: do what you can to build relationships with your daughters, sisters, and friends.

7. Help heal wounds and fulfill unmet needs where possible. Most important of all, remember that everyone needs the three T’s---- TIME, TOUCH AND TALK!

8. Love unconditionally. Never compromise your values or morals. At the same time, continue to love, listen, embrace and when necessary, set limits. Be consistent.

9. Pray for them. Never–no never give up hope. Do what you can do, but leave the rest in the Lord’s hands.

So what if your sons, daughters never repent in this life?

Elder Boyd K. Packer promises us parents that if we keep our temple covenants that our children will forever bound to us.

Lorenzo Snow said in Volume 3 of his Collected Discourses: “I believe, strongly too, that when the gospel is preached to the spirits in prison, the success attending that preaching will be far greater than that attending preaching of our Elders in the life. I believe there will be very few indeed of those spirits who will not gladly receive the gospel when it is carried to them. The circumstances then will be a thousand more times favorable. God had fulfilled His promise to us, and our prospects are grand and glorious. Yes, in the next life we will have our wives, and our sons and daughters. If we do not get them all at once, we will have them sometime, for every knee shall bow and every tongue confess that Jesus is the Christ. You that are mourning about your children straying away will have your sons and daughters. If you succeed in passing through these trials and afflictions and receive a resurrection, you will, by the power of the Priesthood, work and labor as the Son of God has, until you get all of your sons and daughters in the path of exaltation and glory. This is just as sure as that the sun rose this morning over yonder mountains. Therefore, mourn not because all your sons and daughters do not follow the path that you have marked out to them, or give heed to your counsels. Inasmuch as we succeed in securing eternal glory, and stand as saviors, and as kings and priests [and] save our posterity.”

Is that motivation enough to live the gospel?

Resources

• “Believe Christ”, “Following Christ” by Stephen Robinson
• “The Worth or a Soul” and other books by Steven Cramer
• “Where Does a Mother Go to Resign” by Barbra Johnson
• “Someone I Love is Gay” by Anita Worthen and Bob Davies
• “I Don’t Have to Make Everything all Better” by Gary and Joy Lundburg
• “Forgiveness, The Healing Gift We Give Ourselves” by Cheryl Carson
• “A Place in the Kingdom” edited by Garrick and Ginger Hyde
• “Will Power is Not Enough” by A. Dean Byrd and Mark D. Chamberlain
• “Healing Homosexuality” by Joseph Nicolosi
• “Homosexuality and the and the Politics of Truth” by Jeffery Satinover
• “Feathers of the Skylark” (Compulsion, Sin and Our Need for a Messiah)” by Jeffery Satinover
• “Homosexuality Symptoms and Free Agency” by Scott & Kay Anderson (spouses)
• “Turn Yourselves and Live” a workbook approach to healing by Rod W. Jeppeson
   

Summary

All people have weakness in this fallen, mortal world and must learn how much they need the Lord and His strength in their lives. Most have specific weaknesses, such as SSA (perhaps one of the most serious). These often require longer periods of time to overcome and much effort on our part. He expects us to struggle with these weaknesses and do all that we can (reading and study, fervent prayer, service, support groups, counseling, seek advice, mentors, etc.) until we realize that without His help and strength, it will always be a huge thorn in our flesh. Only He can heal us and help us to change from many of these specific weaknesses. The sooner we realize this and turn to Him, the sooner we’ll see real progress and healing in our lives. When He says He will make weak things strong, He is referring to His strength, not ours. The Greatest News is that the inappropriate things associated with SSA can be taken from us with change and healing of our wounded souls. With God, all things are indeed possible! May this be so with all who face this challenge!