Families and friends can reach out to those with homosexual difficulties by
relying on accurate information and on guidance from the Lord’s prophets. There
is no struggle for which the Atonement is not sufficient.
Family members and friends often experience shock and confusion when they
learn that a loved one struggles with homosexual attraction. How do they manage
their conflicting feelings and balance love and compassion with the Lord’s
declaration that homosexual relations are sinful? Much of society has strayed
from gospel truths on this issue. Many claim that homosexuality is biologically
determined and that individuals are “born that way.” What should family and
friends know about homosexuality? How should they respond to those who struggle
with same-sex attraction?
Much confusion can be avoided if we heed the words of the Lord’s prophet.
President Gordon B. Hinckley has provided a solid foundation in addressing this
difficult issue. He has stated:
“Prophets of God have repeatedly taught through the ages that practices of
homosexual relations, fornication, and adultery are grievous sins. Sexual
relations outside the bonds of marriage are forbidden by the Lord. We affirm
those teachings.” [
In a conference address, President Hinckley provided further counsel on what our
attitude should be toward those who experience homosexual attraction:
“We love them as sons and daughters of God. …
“We want to help these people, to strengthen them, to assist them with their
problems and to help them with their difficulties. But we cannot stand idle if
they indulge in immoral activity, if they try to uphold and defend and live in a
so-called same-sex marriage situation. To permit such would be to make light of
the very serious and sacred foundation of God-sanctioned marriage and its very
purpose, the rearing of families.” [
What Research Shows
In addition to having counsel from the Lord’s prophet to provide guidance, it
is helpful to have accurate information about homosexuality and its development.
First, it is important to understand that homosexuality is not innate and
unchangeable. Research has not proved that homosexuality is genetic. Even more
important, many researchers whose studies have been used to support a biological
model for homosexuality have determined that their work has been misinterpreted.
What is clear is that homosexuality results from an interaction of social,
biological, and psychological factors. These factors may include temperament,
personality traits, sexual abuse, familial factors, and treatment by one’s
peers. [
Developmental factors aside, can individuals diminish homosexual attraction and
make changes in their lives? Yes. There is substantial evidence, both historical
and current, to indicate this is the case. Jeffrey Satinover, M.D., a former
Fellow at Yale University and a graduate of MIT and Harvard, concludes:
“The fact that not all methods of treating those who struggle with homosexual
attraction are successful, and that no method is successful for everyone, has
been distorted by activists into the claim that no method is helpful for anyone.
The simple truth is that, like most methods in psychiatry and psychotherapy,
the treatment of homosexuality has evolved out of eighty years of clinical
experience, demonstrating approximately the same degree of success as, for
example, the psychotherapy of depression.” [
Other researchers note treatment success rates that exceed 50 percent, which is
similar to the success rates for treating other difficulties. [
How to Reach Out
With accurate information coupled with the Lord’s perspective, family and
friends can reach out to those with homosexual difficulties and provide a source
of hope and direction. Though homosexual attraction may not result from
conscious choices, the divine gift of agency does provide us with choices in
responding to such attraction. Helping a loved one understand and exercise
agency can be valuable and empowering.
Perhaps the most important message you can convey is that there is no struggle
for which the Atonement of Jesus Christ is not sufficient. Many individuals who
have experienced homosexual difficulties have felt the blessings of the
Atonement in their lives, and their burdens have been lifted through the Lord’s
grace. In Matthew 11:28-30 [Matt. 11:28-30] the Savior extends the invitation:
“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
“Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and
ye shall find rest unto your souls.
“For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
Understanding and applying the Lord’s grace to our troubled lives can open the
door to peace and joy. One man found it easier to understand grace as “perfect
empathy”—that is, the knowledge that the Savior understands our struggles
perfectly, diminishes our loneliness, and engenders hope.
Helpful Ideas
Other helpful guidelines for responding to those experiencing homosexual
attraction include:
1. Moderate your response to the news of your loved one’s homosexual
struggles. Keep in mind that this is the same person you have always known:
a child of God. Be grateful that this individual is willing to share his or her
burden with you. Trials often provide opportunities for growth both for the
individual and for you. Let it be understood that you value him or her and that
this difficult journey will not have to be traveled alone.
Brother Brown (all names in examples have been changed) could hardly contain his
feelings of devastation when Brian, his youngest son, revealed that he struggled
with same-sex attraction. Not knowing how to respond, Brother Brown heeded the
still, small voice that directed him to embrace his son. As he did so, Brian
uttered, “Dad, I always wanted you to hug me.”
One’s perception of Heavenly Father is often influenced by one’s earthly father.
As Brother Brown hugged his son, Brian felt the love of both his earthly father
and his Heavenly Father. Such contact provided tremendous support for him at a
crucial moment.
2. Express your own feelings and testimony of change. Realize that your
loved one may experience extreme pain because of the extensive changes that are
required. These include changing one’s thoughts and often one’s friendships,
leisure settings, work situation, or even clothing styles. President Ezra Taft
Benson expressed his testimony of the Lord’s method of change:
“The Lord works from the inside out. The world works from the outside in. The
world would take people out of the slums. Christ takes the slums out of people,
and then they take themselves out of the slums. The world would mold men by
changing their environment. Christ changes men, who then change their
environment. The world would shape human behavior, but Christ can change human
nature. …
“Yes, Christ changes men, and changed men can change the world. Men changed for
Christ will be captained by Christ. …
“… Men captained by Christ will be consumed in Christ.” [
3. While maintaining a loving concern for the person, reiterate the Lord’s
position that homosexual relations are sinful, and don’t lose sight of this
gospel truth. The story of one young man highlights this point. At 27 years
of age, Kent had never acted on his homosexual urgings, which had been present
for several years. He decided to inform his parents about his feelings. They
were visibly upset but voiced their support for him. Unfortunately, he viewed
their support as approval to pursue homosexual relations. He contracted the AIDS
virus. In retrospect, he wondered if it would have made a difference if his
parents had taken a stronger stand. He stated, “I interpreted their love for me
as their approval of homosexual relations.”
4. Kindly encourage the individual to seek counsel from the bishop. Real
healing comes from repentance and forgiveness; it comes from the Lord. A loving
bishop can provide a needed bridge between the individual and the Lord.
Roger was a 40-year-old who had struggled with homosexual desires most of his
life. A therapist at LDS Family Services had helped him sort out his feelings,
many of which resulted from a childhood of horrific abuse. Roger achieved a
sense of peace that he had never thought possible, but he still wondered if his
Father in Heaven had really forgiven him. The bishop met with Roger regularly
and gave him comforting blessings. Subsequent to one of the meetings with the
bishop, Roger left the room, only to be recalled by the bishop. The bishop put
his arm around Roger and said, “The Lord has told me to put my arm around you
and to tell you that He loves you.” Roger remembered feeling the Savior’s love
in a profound way. Later, Roger said, “I guess I knew that the Lord loved me,
but today I felt His love.” Roger’s sense of peace was complete. Indeed, the
bishop had helped bridge the gap between Roger and the Lord.
5. Avoid the temptation to try to take control of or fix the situation.
Encourage. Be patient. Suffer long. Demonstrate love unfeigned. These actions
and attitudes are profoundly more helpful than force. And besides, they
represent the Lord’s way.
6. Use professional resources. Not all individuals who have homosexual
attraction need professional help. Those who do are best served when
professional assistance is combined with a bishop’s counseling. Such joint
efforts often can provide immense support in the journey out of homosexuality.
This is exemplified by a man who cited the following factors as important in his
own healing process:
• “The faith and prayers of those who love me.”
• “My obedience to the principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ.”
• “A therapist whose insight, persistence, and genuine care allowed me to begin
to believe again.”
• “The mercy and blessings of God, who loves me, and who saw fit to reach down
and help me back up.”
Be choosy about the professionals you enlist. Many are proponents of the “you
were born that way” philosophy. Ensure that the counseling is consistent with
gospel principles and that the professional has expertise in helping those with
same-sex attraction.
7. Keep the communication lines open. Telephone calls, letters, and
personal contacts remind the individual of your love.
Jon had left his family because they would not accept his lifestyle.
Nevertheless, family members, particularly his parents, made phone calls and
wrote letters, which Jon kept but never read.
He reached a critical point one evening when he was feeling particularly
homesick. As he pondered his trial, almost unknowingly he began opening the
letters. He reported experiencing such an outpouring of love that he called his
parents and asked if he could come home. His parents were overjoyed to hear from
him again. This was the beginning of Jon’s journey out of homosexuality and his
return home.
8. Pray trustingly. One mother told of her nightly conversations with
Heavenly Father when she learned of her daughter’s struggle with lesbianism. She
prayed fervently that her daughter would be protected. Sometime later, the
daughter told of the many times she had felt a sense of protection and direction
because of her mother’s prayers. A mother’s love and prayers made a tremendous
difference.
9. If your loved one is not already married, do not encourage him or her to
marry as a “cure” for homosexuality. President Hinckley wisely counseled,
“Marriage should not be viewed as a therapeutic step to solve problems such as
homosexual inclinations or practices, which first should clearly be overcome
with a firm and fixed determination never to slip to such practices again.” 7
When homosexual difficulties have been fully resolved, heterosexual feelings can
emerge, which may lead to happy, eternal marriage relationships. [
10. Never give up on a loved one—never! A precious promise noted by Elder
Orson F. Whitney (1855-1931) of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles in the April
1929 general conference has provided comfort for many parents whose children
contend with homosexuality and other difficulties:
“The Prophet Joseph Smith declared—and he never taught more comforting
doctrine—that the eternal sealings of faithful parents and the divine promises
made to them for valiant service in the Cause of Truth, would save not only
themselves, but likewise their posterity. Though some of the sheep may wander,
the eye of the Shepherd is upon them, and sooner or later they will feel the
tentacles of Divine Providence reaching out after them and drawing them back to
the fold. Either in this life or the life to come, they will return. They will
have to pay their debt to justice; they will suffer for their sins; and may
tread a thorny path; but if it leads them at last, like the penitent Prodigal,
to a loving and forgiving father’s heart and home, the painful experience will
not have been in vain. Pray for your careless and disobedient children; hold on
to them with your faith. Hope on, trust on, till you see the salvation of God.
“Who are these straying sheep—these wayward sons and daughters? They are
children of the Covenant, heirs to the promises, and have received, if baptized,
the gift of the Holy Ghost, which makes manifest the things of God. Could all
that go for naught?” [
The Apostle Paul offers clear doctrine on the matter of homosexuality and
provides hope through the Atonement of Jesus Christ:
“Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not
deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate,
nor abusers of themselves with mankind … shall inherit the kingdom of God.
“And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are
justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God” (1 Cor.
6:9-11; emphasis added).
It is through the Lord’s grace that true healing comes. The final verse of the
beautiful hymn “Come, Listen to a Prophet’s Voice” offers counsel:
Then heed the words of truth and light
That flow from fountains pure.
Yea, keep His law with all thy might
Till thine election’s sure,
Till thou shalt hear the holy voice
Assure eternal reign,
While joy and cheer attend thy choice,
As one who shall obtain. [
For those who heed His words, the Lord makes a wonderful promise:
“And I will ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you
cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I
do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a
surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions” (Mosiah
24:14).
Those who face such tremendous adversity can find much hope and comfort from the
Psalmist, who declared, “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the
morning” (Ps. 30:5). Elder Richard G. Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles
offers an inspired view of the Lord’s love and mercy:
“I cannot comprehend his power, his majesty, his perfections. But I do
understand something of his love, his compassion, his mercy.
“There is no burden he cannot lift.
“There is no heart he cannot purify and fill with joy.
“There is no life he cannot cleanse and restore when one is obedient to his
teachings.” [
Help your loved one seek the Lord’s help in this most difficult struggle. When
people not only know of the Lord’s love but feel it, their lives can be changed
in lasting and powerful ways. The scriptures testify to us of the Lord. We need
to open our hearts and let Him in. Our weaknesses and inadequacies need not
stand in the way. There is no struggle for which the Atonement is not
sufficient.
© 2003 Intellectual Reserve, Inc. All rights reserved.
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